Idiot Hero by Perry Moore
I'm about 15 pages away from the end and can't hold it in anymore. Bookfails, I need to vent to you about Perry Moore: A Novel by Hero. (See what I did there? With the book cover?)
Now, where do I even start? This was a bad Disney movie. Surprise, surprise, the author was a producer for Disney movies. And who published this? "Hyperion Books, an imprint of Disney Book Group." It's a sickness, I tell you.
I don't care if Lloyd Alexander called this book "groundbreaking" just because the main character is gay and ashamed of it. It's filled with all the cliches from terrible movies that make the already poorly written and melodramatic scripts unbearable. The writing is so bad I had less of a clue as to what was going on the farther I got into the plot. I only started gathering evidence of this about halfway through, so I'll tell you the plot up to this point.
Thom is the son of a forgotten hero and likes basketball. He has the power to heal people and the bad side of this is his random seizures. Don't worry, you won't need to remember the seizures past chapter two because they don't come up after that. Thom is such a dumbass that he's embarrassed by one person in a rival team, Goran, just because Thom mistook him for a foreign exchange student instead of a foreign exchange student-turned-employee of the same place where Thom works. Zomg, how embarrassing. Thom likes to victimize himself in stupid ways like this.
The drama he does have to worry about, though, is his father Hal's homophobia. But don't worry, you don't have to remember this past the second chapter because Perry writes little more description of this than "Dad tried to control the expression on his face." Hal used to be a superhero but was disgraced when he failed at saving hundreds of people when large, important building collapsed while he was saving the world from a space creature. Hal and Thom work shitty jobs to fend for themselves because they're dirt poor.
Forgive my switch between present-perfect tense. I lose sight of that when I'm typing angrily.
Thom's mom left the family years ago and mysteriously returns in the novel to guide Tom, whose dumb name I'm tired of spelling correctly, on this magical journey of knowledge about the family history. Her powers have backfired (so I assume) and she must stay invisible (because she's never said why she won't show herself). Also, for reasons we're not told, she's an alcoholic. Sometimes you see the flask, sometimes you don't, but she's always gulping. Later, there's some drama about a magical wedding ring they share that was made of a space rock left in the crater of Hal's sidekick, Justice, because Justice is a Superman ripoff.
Thom wants to be a superhero, but has to do so in secret because Hal wouldn't allow it after the shame he went through. Thom secretly joins a probationary team within the superhero League which is run by Justice. Get it? Justice League? On his team are Typhoid Larry, the stupidest name ever, Scarlett, who has obvious personal problems that Thom, of course, tries to help with, Golden Boy, the ringleader, and Ruth who is psychic. Thom's superpower is healing people, so I really wonder why he doesn't just heal his dad's bashed-up hand or Scarlett's cancer. Thom is so stupid that when Ruth is telling him to help heal her, he thinks he's supposed to listen.
But now, let me how you how this is obviously a first or second draft. Thom is so terrible that his posits and speculations are clearly Perry trying to figure out how to do some actual writing.
Thom's mother: "I know. ... I've been watching you."
Thom's thoughts in the next paragraph: Of course she knew. Mothers know everything. But it did make me wonder exactly how she knew.
SHE JUST FLAT OUT TOLD YOU HOW SHE KNEW, DUMBASS.
Here's an example of Thom's narcissistic victimization. One day he comes home to find a homophobic slur on his lawn. He cleans it up, yadda yadda. The next day, he picks up Ruth so they can go do hero things together. He finds her crying in her car, oddly wearing a fancy Chanel dress.
I wondered what had made her break down like this. Had she seen something in the future? Did she know about the message I'd found waiting for me in the yard?
Yes, Thom. Ruth was so upset about your precious lawn that it was all she could do to get dolled up and cry while writing a bunch of letters to her loved ones. She's obviously going to die, jerk.
Not to mention his attempt at revealing the obvious. He stretches out pointless scenes only to try to make some drama that was obvious. There was a mystery about an unworn uniform of Hal's that was supposed to be washed. I really don't care. Thom receives a mysterious note from his pointless mother to follow Hal into work. No reason is given. (If you've read this book and can tell me why Thom was supposed to see Hal at work, do tell me because I have absolutely no idea anymore.) Thom pretends to be a new guy so he can spy on his dad at work doing nothing but moving boxes. Some person helps Thom out and explains everything.
"[Hal] just worked his way up to foreman after years on the floor. ... But he lost it."
"Why?"
"His kid likes dick. ... The owner's a big Christian, has a lot of power in that world, his pop was a famous televangelist, you know."
"They demoted him for that?"
"No."
Huh? Then why are you encouraging a stereotype that only describes a very small percentage of Christians? "Brad" continues.
"That's the punch line."
I don't even.
"After twenty years on the job, he'd just been promoted to foreman. Everything was sure he'd lose his job, all things considered. But rumor has it the factory owner pulled him aside when the news broke about his son and said he understood because he has a daughter who's been a heroin addict for years, stealing shit from him and his wife for years, in and out of jail. After that thing on TV, he called the guy into his office, lit up two cigars, handed him one. Said he knew what he was going through, these kids choosing to go to hell after all the sacrifices they'd made for him. The owner have thim the break of a lifetime and offered him an even bigger promotion--asked him to run the whole goddamn plant for him. Said it ws the right thing t od ofor someone who was going through the same thing as him."
"So what hpapened/ WHat did he say to the owner?" I asked.
"Nothing. The way I heard it," Brad said. "He punched the shit out of the conveyor belt. Then he went in the locker room and put on his old workman's uniform. Picked up crates and started working."
It sounds like Hal found a guy who thinks like he does. So he's too proud to offer a job out of pity now. I get at least that. And how does Brad know they lit two cigars? How does Brad, this very minor character who's only in this one scene, know all this? What the actual fuck? And what's their job? Pick up boxes and move them from one conveyor belt to the other. Because that's what everyone does in a factory. Then, Brad gets tense as Hal walks by and Thom calls him out on it.
"Don't you know who that is?" [Brad] whispered at me, his eyes wide. "It's Hal Creed, man. Major Might!"
Yes. We know. *is not amused* Perry ends the scene there, as though Dun-dun-DUUUUUN is supposed to be going through our heads. Shut up. Please, just shut up.
As Perry Moore is terrible at subtle foreshadowing, I made a check list as I read of all the things I felt would happen. Here are the results.
Goran is either Dark Hero or Golden Boy [CHECK]
the smell of gardenias at the funeral means his mom was there [CHECK]
at the end of the book, Hal and Thom and the other heros take a picture holding up three fingers [nope]
the pizza girl from the audition joins, works directly with Thom [CHECK]
the sick kid from the audition joins, works directly with Thom [CHECK]
Uberman is either gay or involved with Scarlett [nope]
Thom's first kiss is Snaggletooth [CLOSE. it's actually Ssnake, who is on the same villain team with Snaggletooth]
Scarlett is actually nice zomg [CHECK]
mother is involved with the killer of super heroes [somewhat.]
Justice is either gay or was involved with the mother [CHECK: the second]
Ruth knows she'll die [CHECK]
space monster is in the final battle [somewhat]
One thing I didn't see coming was Justice's villainy. He uses mind control (a power we didn't know he had till now) to control everyone in the League--except for our probationary squad because they took of their rings. Durr, see what he did there? Thom fights along side his dad, who has suddenly decided to join the fight, and Dark Hero, who is TOTALLY NOT BATMAN. No, he can't be Batman because his cowl covers his mouth/nose instead of his eyes/nose. *eye roll* During the fight, Thom has a revelation.
I clutched the ring around my neck and thought maybe this was when I would need the ring. Mom said I'd know what to do with it when the time came, and since the world was about to end, this seemed as a good a time as any.
No shit, Thom! Hm, the world might end. Maybe now was as good a time as any to use that Timeshare. And you know what the ring does? It's Kryptonite for Justice. Fucking Kryptonite. Like Justice wouldn't be able to feel the effect of it when it was at the same distance inside Hal's pocket while they were in hand-to-hand combat?
Oh, and guess what Justice's motive is. He wants to blow up the earth so the force will propel him back to his home planet. Except his home planet was destroyed. Even Thom knows that. But no, Justice has a jetpack and everything.
I extremely dislike how Perry tried to describe the accident with the falling important building. It was one hero's mistake, killing hundreds/thousands/a few old ladies, when (to the best of my knowledge) he was the only hero fighting a giant space creature. Judging by vague mentions, the city this takes place in is NYC. During the big battle at the climax of this book, people are freaking out that the building, now a memorial in construction, is "going to fall just like last time." I hate how Perry is trying to bum off of 9/11 for teh dramaz. Turns out what's happened is Justice "activated" the creature that was buried, frozen in time, under the memorial, as an "alien reactor" to blow up the world. I didn't want to use this emoticon, but here it goes: ಠ_ಠ
Listen, Perry-erry. An extremist group that hates a country so much they'll capture innocent passenger planes and fly them into office buildings holding thousands of people is NOT the same as a people-eating space monster who, I don't know, got lost while on holiday. I know you're trying to tie everything together with the wedding ring from Hal's hand having been buried in the monster's core all this time and the retrieval of said ring was an excuse for the readers to learn Thom's mother's story and that the ring may or may not be the only hope at stopping Justice's crazies, but that's not right. *phew*
In the heat of the big battle, Thom fights some stereotype called Warrior Woman.
I was shocked to see how effective I was. Somehow my body coursed with strength I'd never felt before. My powers had developed. I'd learned to transmute the energy I'd absorbed from healing, and the results were incredible.
OK. Perry. Don't have your character say, "I don't know how this is happening" and then have him explain how it's happening. I'm SO tired of your inconsistency. And:
I'd never seen her felled by pure strength before.
Thom, you were there when you and your father got into the building simply by punching that woman who's portrayed as a sword-weilding PMS factory.
Perry's power of description capivates us again when Thom's mother shows up at the last minute to save all their asses.
My mother willed herself to become invisible.
About fucking time. Next sentence, please:
Her jaw was clenched with determination, her body shaking. Clearly the act of making herself visible brought her great pain.
CLEARLY. No way, I totally couldn't tell by her physical reaction at all. Perry, where would I be without you to sum up everything you've already said?
This is where I power-skimmed the rest of the already too long battle. I don't care who has a hole in what body part or whether the giant building will fall again. Don't care. After the sexual buildup of Thom's attraction to Uberman, we get no resolution out of it. For all that effort into that lame excuse for a groundbreaking novel, the resolutions aren't satisfying. They're choppy and underdeveloped. I hate it when people put all of the resolution into just the last chapter, like they're ticking off a list of characters they missed. Just...
*tableflip*
(Edited for typos and LJ cut.)
Now, where do I even start? This was a bad Disney movie. Surprise, surprise, the author was a producer for Disney movies. And who published this? "Hyperion Books, an imprint of Disney Book Group." It's a sickness, I tell you.
I don't care if Lloyd Alexander called this book "groundbreaking" just because the main character is gay and ashamed of it. It's filled with all the cliches from terrible movies that make the already poorly written and melodramatic scripts unbearable. The writing is so bad I had less of a clue as to what was going on the farther I got into the plot. I only started gathering evidence of this about halfway through, so I'll tell you the plot up to this point.
Thom is the son of a forgotten hero and likes basketball. He has the power to heal people and the bad side of this is his random seizures. Don't worry, you won't need to remember the seizures past chapter two because they don't come up after that. Thom is such a dumbass that he's embarrassed by one person in a rival team, Goran, just because Thom mistook him for a foreign exchange student instead of a foreign exchange student-turned-employee of the same place where Thom works. Zomg, how embarrassing. Thom likes to victimize himself in stupid ways like this.
The drama he does have to worry about, though, is his father Hal's homophobia. But don't worry, you don't have to remember this past the second chapter because Perry writes little more description of this than "Dad tried to control the expression on his face." Hal used to be a superhero but was disgraced when he failed at saving hundreds of people when large, important building collapsed while he was saving the world from a space creature. Hal and Thom work shitty jobs to fend for themselves because they're dirt poor.
Forgive my switch between present-perfect tense. I lose sight of that when I'm typing angrily.
Thom's mom left the family years ago and mysteriously returns in the novel to guide Tom, whose dumb name I'm tired of spelling correctly, on this magical journey of knowledge about the family history. Her powers have backfired (so I assume) and she must stay invisible (because she's never said why she won't show herself). Also, for reasons we're not told, she's an alcoholic. Sometimes you see the flask, sometimes you don't, but she's always gulping. Later, there's some drama about a magical wedding ring they share that was made of a space rock left in the crater of Hal's sidekick, Justice, because Justice is a Superman ripoff.
Thom wants to be a superhero, but has to do so in secret because Hal wouldn't allow it after the shame he went through. Thom secretly joins a probationary team within the superhero League which is run by Justice. Get it? Justice League? On his team are Typhoid Larry, the stupidest name ever, Scarlett, who has obvious personal problems that Thom, of course, tries to help with, Golden Boy, the ringleader, and Ruth who is psychic. Thom's superpower is healing people, so I really wonder why he doesn't just heal his dad's bashed-up hand or Scarlett's cancer. Thom is so stupid that when Ruth is telling him to help heal her, he thinks he's supposed to listen.
But now, let me how you how this is obviously a first or second draft. Thom is so terrible that his posits and speculations are clearly Perry trying to figure out how to do some actual writing.
Thom's mother: "I know. ... I've been watching you."
Thom's thoughts in the next paragraph: Of course she knew. Mothers know everything. But it did make me wonder exactly how she knew.
SHE JUST FLAT OUT TOLD YOU HOW SHE KNEW, DUMBASS.
Here's an example of Thom's narcissistic victimization. One day he comes home to find a homophobic slur on his lawn. He cleans it up, yadda yadda. The next day, he picks up Ruth so they can go do hero things together. He finds her crying in her car, oddly wearing a fancy Chanel dress.
I wondered what had made her break down like this. Had she seen something in the future? Did she know about the message I'd found waiting for me in the yard?
Yes, Thom. Ruth was so upset about your precious lawn that it was all she could do to get dolled up and cry while writing a bunch of letters to her loved ones. She's obviously going to die, jerk.
Not to mention his attempt at revealing the obvious. He stretches out pointless scenes only to try to make some drama that was obvious. There was a mystery about an unworn uniform of Hal's that was supposed to be washed. I really don't care. Thom receives a mysterious note from his pointless mother to follow Hal into work. No reason is given. (If you've read this book and can tell me why Thom was supposed to see Hal at work, do tell me because I have absolutely no idea anymore.) Thom pretends to be a new guy so he can spy on his dad at work doing nothing but moving boxes. Some person helps Thom out and explains everything.
"[Hal] just worked his way up to foreman after years on the floor. ... But he lost it."
"Why?"
"His kid likes dick. ... The owner's a big Christian, has a lot of power in that world, his pop was a famous televangelist, you know."
"They demoted him for that?"
"No."
Huh? Then why are you encouraging a stereotype that only describes a very small percentage of Christians? "Brad" continues.
"That's the punch line."
I don't even.
"After twenty years on the job, he'd just been promoted to foreman. Everything was sure he'd lose his job, all things considered. But rumor has it the factory owner pulled him aside when the news broke about his son and said he understood because he has a daughter who's been a heroin addict for years, stealing shit from him and his wife for years, in and out of jail. After that thing on TV, he called the guy into his office, lit up two cigars, handed him one. Said he knew what he was going through, these kids choosing to go to hell after all the sacrifices they'd made for him. The owner have thim the break of a lifetime and offered him an even bigger promotion--asked him to run the whole goddamn plant for him. Said it ws the right thing t od ofor someone who was going through the same thing as him."
"So what hpapened/ WHat did he say to the owner?" I asked.
"Nothing. The way I heard it," Brad said. "He punched the shit out of the conveyor belt. Then he went in the locker room and put on his old workman's uniform. Picked up crates and started working."
It sounds like Hal found a guy who thinks like he does. So he's too proud to offer a job out of pity now. I get at least that. And how does Brad know they lit two cigars? How does Brad, this very minor character who's only in this one scene, know all this? What the actual fuck? And what's their job? Pick up boxes and move them from one conveyor belt to the other. Because that's what everyone does in a factory. Then, Brad gets tense as Hal walks by and Thom calls him out on it.
"Don't you know who that is?" [Brad] whispered at me, his eyes wide. "It's Hal Creed, man. Major Might!"
Yes. We know. *is not amused* Perry ends the scene there, as though Dun-dun-DUUUUUN is supposed to be going through our heads. Shut up. Please, just shut up.
As Perry Moore is terrible at subtle foreshadowing, I made a check list as I read of all the things I felt would happen. Here are the results.
Goran is either Dark Hero or Golden Boy [CHECK]
the smell of gardenias at the funeral means his mom was there [CHECK]
at the end of the book, Hal and Thom and the other heros take a picture holding up three fingers [nope]
the pizza girl from the audition joins, works directly with Thom [CHECK]
the sick kid from the audition joins, works directly with Thom [CHECK]
Uberman is either gay or involved with Scarlett [nope]
Thom's first kiss is Snaggletooth [CLOSE. it's actually Ssnake, who is on the same villain team with Snaggletooth]
Scarlett is actually nice zomg [CHECK]
mother is involved with the killer of super heroes [somewhat.]
Justice is either gay or was involved with the mother [CHECK: the second]
Ruth knows she'll die [CHECK]
space monster is in the final battle [somewhat]
One thing I didn't see coming was Justice's villainy. He uses mind control (a power we didn't know he had till now) to control everyone in the League--except for our probationary squad because they took of their rings. Durr, see what he did there? Thom fights along side his dad, who has suddenly decided to join the fight, and Dark Hero, who is TOTALLY NOT BATMAN. No, he can't be Batman because his cowl covers his mouth/nose instead of his eyes/nose. *eye roll* During the fight, Thom has a revelation.
I clutched the ring around my neck and thought maybe this was when I would need the ring. Mom said I'd know what to do with it when the time came, and since the world was about to end, this seemed as a good a time as any.
No shit, Thom! Hm, the world might end. Maybe now was as good a time as any to use that Timeshare. And you know what the ring does? It's Kryptonite for Justice. Fucking Kryptonite. Like Justice wouldn't be able to feel the effect of it when it was at the same distance inside Hal's pocket while they were in hand-to-hand combat?
Oh, and guess what Justice's motive is. He wants to blow up the earth so the force will propel him back to his home planet. Except his home planet was destroyed. Even Thom knows that. But no, Justice has a jetpack and everything.
I extremely dislike how Perry tried to describe the accident with the falling important building. It was one hero's mistake, killing hundreds/thousands/a few old ladies, when (to the best of my knowledge) he was the only hero fighting a giant space creature. Judging by vague mentions, the city this takes place in is NYC. During the big battle at the climax of this book, people are freaking out that the building, now a memorial in construction, is "going to fall just like last time." I hate how Perry is trying to bum off of 9/11 for teh dramaz. Turns out what's happened is Justice "activated" the creature that was buried, frozen in time, under the memorial, as an "alien reactor" to blow up the world. I didn't want to use this emoticon, but here it goes: ಠ_ಠ
Listen, Perry-erry. An extremist group that hates a country so much they'll capture innocent passenger planes and fly them into office buildings holding thousands of people is NOT the same as a people-eating space monster who, I don't know, got lost while on holiday. I know you're trying to tie everything together with the wedding ring from Hal's hand having been buried in the monster's core all this time and the retrieval of said ring was an excuse for the readers to learn Thom's mother's story and that the ring may or may not be the only hope at stopping Justice's crazies, but that's not right. *phew*
In the heat of the big battle, Thom fights some stereotype called Warrior Woman.
I was shocked to see how effective I was. Somehow my body coursed with strength I'd never felt before. My powers had developed. I'd learned to transmute the energy I'd absorbed from healing, and the results were incredible.
OK. Perry. Don't have your character say, "I don't know how this is happening" and then have him explain how it's happening. I'm SO tired of your inconsistency. And:
I'd never seen her felled by pure strength before.
Thom, you were there when you and your father got into the building simply by punching that woman who's portrayed as a sword-weilding PMS factory.
Perry's power of description capivates us again when Thom's mother shows up at the last minute to save all their asses.
My mother willed herself to become invisible.
About fucking time. Next sentence, please:
Her jaw was clenched with determination, her body shaking. Clearly the act of making herself visible brought her great pain.
CLEARLY. No way, I totally couldn't tell by her physical reaction at all. Perry, where would I be without you to sum up everything you've already said?
This is where I power-skimmed the rest of the already too long battle. I don't care who has a hole in what body part or whether the giant building will fall again. Don't care. After the sexual buildup of Thom's attraction to Uberman, we get no resolution out of it. For all that effort into that lame excuse for a groundbreaking novel, the resolutions aren't satisfying. They're choppy and underdeveloped. I hate it when people put all of the resolution into just the last chapter, like they're ticking off a list of characters they missed. Just...
*tableflip*
(Edited for typos and LJ cut.)