Modelland, by Tyra Banks
This is really long, but there was just so much WTF that I couldn't edit it down further without feeling that I was denying people lulz.
Modelland is an exclusive modelling academy on top of a mountain, surrounded by fog. Once a year the fog passes, public auditions are held, & Scouts come down to recruit new girls to attend. 7 (or rather, 7Seven) lucky girls will go on to become models Intoxibellas (a profession that comes complete with superpowers - most girls get 1, but if you're ~super special~ you might have even more). Nobody knows anything about Modelland, because the land it's located in seems to be twinned with Mordor. Anyone trying to reach it without invitation dies. Basically, this book is like someone wrote a crossover fanfic combining Harry Potter, America's Next Top Model, The Hunger Games & Twilight, then decided to publish as a proper book so changed the names to avoid lawsuits.
OK, before we get going, a glossary of useless terms:
Bella = trainee model
Intoxibella = model
Intoxibello = male model
No-Sees = New Bellas
Bestosterone = The male modelling academy. They don't do much modelling though - just do the grunt work for the ladies.
Bestosteros = Male models
Mannecant = Living mannequins who are failed Bellas & opted to act as Modelland servants rather than leave.
ZipZap = portal system used to travel around Modelland
T-DOD = The Day of Discovery (where hopefuls audition to be admitted to Modelland
Sentura = Magic belt made of shimmery gold fabric that gives the models their superpowers
Triple7 = A model who has all the 7 powers that are apparently available
Diabolical Divide = The area around Modelland
Pilgrims Plague = An illness where the sufferer becomes convinced they belong in Modelland, & their obsession drives them to make the journey there, to inevitably perish in the Divide.
Gurus = The highest level of instructors at Modelland
The BellaDonna = The ruler of Modelland - mostly appears to most people on the form of a statue except at the 7Seven Tournament.
Purses = nurses at Modelland's hospital
Lumière = The magical light that shines on a Bella while she is asleep, highlighting her best side.
ManAttack = Modelling contest where models from Modelland & Bestosterone compete against each other.
Our heroine is called Tookie De La Crème. After a mercifully brief prologue containing lines like "You begin your mornings staring at the fog, longing for the fateful evening when it will turn a golden yellow and then, finally, like a push-up brassiere, lift.", we first meet her lying in the hallway of her school, spraying whipped cream into her mouth straight from the can. She's supposed to be in class, but that's OK, as nobody notices her. Really. Because she is "a Forgetta-Girl". When the bell goes & people leave classes, she is so unnoticeable that people don't even step on her. (Craaaaawling iiiiin my skiiiiiiin...) In case we're not clear enough how much of a like, total loser Tookie is, she pulls out her special book she calls her "T-Mail Jail", where she writes letters she never sends. She has "DON’T KEEP OUT!" & "INVADE MY PRIVACY-PLEASE!" on the cover. Yes, she has to beg people to sneak a peek at her innermost thoughts. As she writes a new letter, we learn why she is lying on the floor. It's a form of protest! Silent Protest by Lying Down (or SPLD). Against what? Uh, well a few weeks ago she fell over & nobody stopped to help, except Theophilus Lovelaces, who is only like THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL. He's rich! & handsome! & smart! & is Class President! & he should have gone to a private school but he wanted to be “among the regular people"! He offered to help Tookie up, but she acted like a lunatic & he ended up backing away awkwardly. She now hopes that if she just lies around on the floor, he will try to help her up again. It is, as I think you'll agree, a plan with no drawbacks. She is so in love with him, that when he drops a promotional badge for his re-election campaign & it gets kicked across the corridor & ends up in a bin, Tookie goes diving into the bin to retrieve it (when she finds it, the text is mostly obscured by filth from the bin, so that it seems to spell out 'TOOKIE', so she keeps it for the rest of the book without cleaning it - fucking ew). She actually keeps it like this throughout the book. But her beloved only has eyes for his girlfriend Zarpessa, the most beautiful girl in the school.
Let us pause for a moment, as I skipped over a super important description of Tookie Sue which opened the chapter. I blame the whipped cream for distracting me - it won't happen again, I swear (maybe). So... Her eyes are 3cm too far apart, & her mouth 4cm too wide. Her hair has "multiple personality disorder" can't decide whether to be curly, straight, frizzy, wavy, or an afro. She has a slightly hunched back, feet the size of snowshoes, stickfigure limbs, & a punch-bowl-sized head with a super-huge forehead, & last but not least, mis-matched eyes. BTW, lest you think this is just Tookie's emoness talking & just a case of low self-esteem & she's actually super pretty: Pretty much everyone comments on how weird & fugly she looks. Not just people from Modelland either - people go out of their way to comment. You half expect to turn a page & see dialogue that goes, 'That'll be $3, miss. Also damn your forehead is huge.'
(A note to non-ANTM viewers: Every single week Tyra tells the contestants at length about how her looks are so weird & when she started modelling she was told to GTFO so many times & nobody 'got' her look & it took lots of trying before someone gave her a chance. As if this wasn't the story of almost every other model out there. So if you're sitting there going 'Hmmm... Mary Sue, or just badly written...?' this may help you decide.)
Metopia, the country where Tookie lives, is split into 4 sections, each with its own weather system. Shivera is cold, Pitter-Patter is "tempestuous" (whatever that means), LaDorno is where the elite live & it's awesome & lovely, & Peppertown (Tookie's area) is roasting hot. It's so hot that to illustrate it we see a woman step outside & her skin goes red instantly, & the ink melts off a man's newspaper. Everyone in Peppertown works in factories. You get the impression Tyra threw in the factories because she saw Metropolis once & doesn't know of any other way to represent a dystopia.
While Tookie is walking home she observes signs saying "WHERE IS Ci~L?". We are told that Ci-L is the most perfect Intoxibella ever who had all sorts of powers, & suddenly disappeared a few months before. Ooooh mysterious. Tyra is terrible at plotting, & basically any person or device she goes out of her way to mention, or who Tookie looks at or thinks about for more than 2 seconds will be important later.
Tookie stops off at a tree on her way home. This is where her BFF Lizzie lives. Lizzie is almost certainly schizophrenic & cuts herself with sharp rocks (Peppertown's streets are apparently terribly maintained). Tookie's idea of helping her friend is to try to hug her better & tell her to stop hurting herself. Shockingly this doesn't seem to be making the voices stop (apparently you can't hug psychosis away - who knew?), but Tookie wants to run away with Crazy Tree Girl & leave the city & then everything will be perfect. Because Crazy Tree Girl knows how much Tookie loves Theophilus, she takes her to the back of a restaurant where some homeless people are dumpster diving. One of them is Zarpassa! SHOCK! SCANDAL! Her family must have lost their fortune & she is lying to keep up appearances! She sees them so they run away. Lizzie starts having an episode & runs off. So Tookie, bewildered that hugging it better STILL doesn't seem to be working, goes home.
And so we meet her family! Tookie's mother is batshit. She's obsessed with anything looking old & throws food out if it's anything less than perfect. She also collects dolls, including a baby doll called Bellissima who she treats like a real baby. Typical dolfie fan then. She demands that everyone called her Creamy - including her daughters - & has a face that is full of wrinkles, though her body is slim & in good shape. Her father Christopher De La Crème used to be a professional dancer/acrobat called Chris-Crème-Crobat until an unfortunate accident left him with only one eye. Then we have the youngest family member. Myrracle is 13 (2 years younger than Tookie). She is pretty & perfect, & her parents love her & are grooming her for Modelland. She is also vapid, conceited & airheaded. They all treat Tookie like something the cat dragged in. Compared to them, the Dursleys were loving & caring guardians to Harry. Despite how she is treated, Tookie is still nice & loving to her family & won't hear a word against them. Holy crap girl, even Cinderella let steam off with her animal friends while her step-family's backs were turned.
All of this is terribly thrilling of course. Well, terrible at least. But where is the plot? Suddenly, a McGuffin appears! It's super effective. See, every year, in the days leading up to the Day of Discovery, 7 SMIZEs are released into the world, showing up in the water. It can be any water, even sewage. This one appears out of the kitchen tap into Tookie's hand. For some reason Tyra neglects to inform us if anyone has ever pissed one out, which in my view is just plain lazy writing. What a SMIZE is I'm not sure. Tyra goes on about how sparkly they are & they're kinda shaped like glasses, but they seem to be like magical eyeshadow that decorates the skin around your eyes rather than glasses, & it's all kinda vague & MAGIC! & stuff. "The SMIZE was made up of ornate eye-shadowlike flourishes in strokes of taxicab-, Dijon-, babychick-, banana-, and lemonade-yellow. Thinner than a sheet of paper, it was surprisingly heavy, and seemed to hum ever so slightly as it rested in Tookie’s palms." Your guess is as good as mine. Whatever it is it boosts your chances of getting picked by 91% so the whole world goes nuts trying to find one. Even though Tookie finds it, she meekly hands it over because obviously Myrracle deserves it.
Obviously, this means a shopping trip for the perfect dress for Princess Myrracle to wear on T-DOD. Suddenly the mists around the mountain part & there's a huge pyrotechnic display with rainbow clouds & stuff & a voice from on high announces the 7 newest Intoxibellas & what superpowers they have.
After this, Tookie runs into a hobo she's seen around. He carries a wingtip shoe slung over his shoulder, so she calls him Wingtip. She talks to him because he acknowledged her presence (Tookie being so pathetic & loserish that only crazy people pay her any attention). Crazy old hobos have one purpose only in fiction, so you don't need me to tell you that he gives a 'follow your dreams' speech. Also since anyone Tookie interacts with for more than 5 seconds has a role to play later on & you'll know this is not his only appearance. Same goes for any items mentioned, such as the 3 Mysterious Obelisks that magically appeared in Metopia one day.
When they get home Tookie's parents have a fight & her Mr De La Crème randomly announces his belief that she is not really his child & he's going to take her toothbrush to a DNA testing lab as soon as Myrracle has gone to Modelland. Where he gets the idea she's not his, IDK. He never mentions any reasoning that doesn't come across as paranoia ('You wouldn't let me be with you at the birth!'), but with Tyra's Everything Happens For A Reason approach to plotting there definitely is some question over Tookie's parentage.
The next day is T-DOD itself! Crazy Tree Girl has appeared to collect Tookie so they can run away together, but her family drive away, as anyone would if there's a random girl standing in your front garden screaming. For the auditions on T-DOD, the prospective models have a 15 minute window in which to walk around, during which Scouts flitter around & pick out prospective models. Many show up & whisk girls away, but the De La Crème family are ignored... until one shows up at the very last second. But of course! And she picks Tookie, of all people! Who could possibly have seen this coming? (Apart from everyone.)
Before Tookie arrives in Modelland, however, she must pick up a few more candidates. Our next stop is Bou-Big-Tique Nation, a country inside a giant department stores. Her target is Dylan, who isn't intentionally walking in the contest - she's just trying to give some of the walkers a pep talk. Next, to a land called Canne Del Abra, where they produce candles. They are here for Shiraz Shiraz. Oh, & I should mention here that Tookie is able to speak with Shiraz in her own language, Labrian, as she "has a knack for quickly picking up foreign languages" & can speak multiple languages fluently. Next to SansColor, a land where everyone has albinism (which I'm pretty sure is a recessive trait, so this suggests some epic amounts of inbreeding going on), where the Scout collects Piper, the daughter of SansColor's Prime Minister, of all people.
Let's pause for a description of these new girls. Dylan is "shaped like a bottle of Bou-Big-Tique cola", with broad thighs, a heart shaped face, full, raspberry coloured lips, lavender-blue eyes & long, thick, golden hair. Shiraz is petite (4'7") & muscular, with freckles & full lips. Piper is tall, with white skin & hair, & rose-coloured eyes. These are clearly supposed to be Tyra's idea of freakish people who have no chance being modes, judging by the reactions they get throughout the books, but... the only one who actually sounds ugly from the descriptions is Tookie herself, & the only one I can't see getting any work out of the others is Shiraz (who is too short). Dylan sounds perfect for being a plus size model & there are designers who would kill for Piper. (Speaking of Piper, she is easily my favourite character in this mess. She is intelligent, literate, ogical, practical & calm, & campaigned for her mother's opponent in the election. I'm amazed she wasn't killed off in 5 minutes.)
The 4 girls become friends. You'll notice they are carefully picked to have looks that are out of place in the Modelland world of high fashion - Dylan is plus size, Shiraz is short, & Piper is... really really pale (Because fashion doesn't like edgy-looking pale girls apparently...). Though of course, none of them are as freakish-looking as Tookie, because we can't have anyone stealing our heroine's emotastic glory.
And now, finally, we arrive at Modelland. It turns out that our scout is actually - dun dun DUHN! - Ci~L! Whatever can she be doing in such a lowly role? And why does she address Dylan, Piper, & Shiraz as Hendal, Katherine & Woodlyn & say “You all made it.” before acting much more aloof to Tookie? Why does the stone guardian of Modelland seem unsure when he grants Tookie entry, & have to be manipulated by Ci~L to validate the other 3? Could there be something going on? Duh. There's a big opening ceremony, which has Tookie wishing her sister had been chosen as she would have enjoyed the dancing. Really. Myrracle did nothing but put Tookie down, & she's still thinking the best of her. During the ceremony, for no real reason other than Tyra needing to establish this, a big deal is made about how Ci~L has been stripped of her rank due to being rebellious & there's a bit of 'Shun the non-believer! Shuuuuun!'
Anyway, it's time to get on with things. ZhenZhen, who is tasked with showing the n00bs around, keeps dropping unhelpful hints about what is to come next. Unhelpful because she keeps saying things about how they should be careful & then going 'OMG ooops shouldn't have said that sorry can't say anymore!' then looking scared/sorrowful &, before giving hints that just freak people out more. This is 99% of ZhenZhen's role in the book.
The next event turns out to be Thigh-High Boot Camp (by this point in proceedings, you surely can't have been expecting better, can you?). This is a series of trials. The first involves the Mannecants applying makeup to the girls using supplies from *a* cart. If you've spotted the obvious then you're smarter than any of the newbie models. After the makeup has been applied, the girls get to admire themselves... THEN SUDDENLY! They behold hideous visages! I'm gonna have to quote here. "An older, unrecognizable person was staring at Tookie [from the mirror]. It had a boil growing on its nose, letting out a smoke that smelled of rotten eggs and animal droppings. Much of its hair had fallen out in clumps, and many of the hanging strands had fused together into what looked like chunks of petrified wood. Its eyes were bruised, swollen nearly shut, and its ears were swollen into what looked like bulbs of cauliflower." [...]
Piper’s skin was so raw it was transparent. Her blood was visible, pumping wildly through her face. She resembled a skeleton with muscles and veins, with a thin layer of clear plastic keeping it all together. Dylan’s ponytails had completely fallen out and she was cradling them in her arms. Her nose had become detached from her face and was sitting on top of the bed of hair. Shiraz’s grapefruit-sized eyes bulged and bulged like they were about to pop out of her head. The spot where the ruby had been on Kamalini’s SMIZE was now a gaping hole four inches wide, exposing her brain. Angelîka’s ZipZap head injury had split open wide from the top of her head to the base of her neck. When she screamed, her exposed vocal cords, which lay in a spaghetti-like tangle at her throat, vibrated. “My heads hurt so much!” both sides of Angelîka cried. Even Zarpessa and Chaste looked like mutants, their noses falling off and their lips turning into slugs.
Some girls are so shocked they immediately run through the door marked 'HOME'. Tookie is initially tempted to go with them... But! Then she suddenly realises it MUST be a trick! She talks the other 3 into trusting in her gut instinct towards the bloody obvious. And guess what? It turns out it was just an illusion! Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh? Yep, it was a warning not to share makeup. The other girls tell Tookie how super smart she is for figuring this out. She's starting to quite enjoy Thigh-High Boot Camp. "She thought the name was especially fitting because she felt like she was flying on a natural Thigh High." WTF does that even mean?
Next up, the Mannecants hand the girls designer bags & jewellery, which the girls find pleasing indeed. But suddenly the items attack! Earrings become heavy weights, necklaces heat up, bags strangle people with the straps! More girls run through the exit. It turns out the goods are fake! And this is exactly what designers feel like when you buy fake goods! The next trial involves the girls standing, one by one, under the needle of a large sewing machine, which stabs them right down to their feet & after that they vanish. But it's OK - they reappear in another room, where they are dragged by an unseen force though a door marked 'THIS WAY HOME'... & then find themselves outside in the plaza. What that was in aid of, I have no idea. But the trials are now over. Thank fuck Tookie & her friends got into Modelland. The tension was KILLING me.
They go to their dorms & are given their Senturas. The beds in the dorms are invisible, & only appear when you actually trip over & faceplant lie on them. Useful for tidiness, but very impractical. Oh & Zarpessa is one of the girls in Tookie's room. But I hardly needed to tell you that, did I? She steals the bed that Tookie has already claimed, to which Tookie of course puts up no fight & instead mopes off to feel around for another bed, finding one in a dark corner of the room, which turns out, upon materialising, to be smaller with scratchy sheets. Yes, Tookie is such a loser that she gets a special bed for rejects. While unpacking someone asks about the badge Tookie has, & she realises with horror that Zarpessa might recognise the badge she rescued from the bin in the first chapter. So instead of answering she desperately looks around the room for something to cover it up with, before running out into the hallway, grabbing a HUGE flower from a display, sticking it onto the badge, & running back into the room & showing off her awesome brooch. NO-ONE WILL SUSPECT A THING. Somehow this actually works.
The girls go to sleep. But when Tookie wakes up, she finds she has been sleepwalking again, & has awoken outside the cell where Ci~L is held, without knowing how she got there, & presumably having to get through locked doors & past guards, etc. The door is open & Ci~L is inside, totally absorbed in beating herself with a plank of wood while looking at a photo of the ~Mysterious Obelisks~. This is at least the 2nd time they've been mentioned. Hmm... I wonder if they'll be important later... She then wakes up back in her bed with no idea how she got back. How convenient & such a totally subtle way of giving the reader clues that are actually to be easily found throughout the book in a less heavy-handed means (by Tyra's standards anyway).
Oh & it turns out that all the girls get their period the next day, regardless of their own cycles, & with the exact same nausea + period pains + bloating because ALL GIRLS GET THIS. And it'll be the last one they ever get because nobody in Modelland has periods. While heading to her first class, Tookie encounters a superhot male model from the male academy, Bestosterone. He's called Bravo. He's helping to build a new stadium for Modelland, because that's all the guys do. He chats to her like she was some kind of normal person or something. Then his friends show up & Tookie runs away.
I'm not even halfway through, so I'll skip ahead & say Tookie did so badly at all of her classes that day, even though her friends do OK, & her Sentura just hangs limply, even though it swirled & formed itself around her the night before. How very odd! Oh wait it turns out that Zarpessa cut up a yellow dress she had to make various things, & as it was the same colour as the Senturas she made a fake one for Tookie & switched them. Which she somehow managed to do in one night, without any apparent sewing tools, & without anyone in the room noticing. And one of the items is a bra.
There's also a class about food & eating habits that involves the girls being dunked in vats of their favourite food (Tookie gets one filled with cans of whipped cream), & seems to be there entirely so Tyra can try to convince people that the modelling industry totally cares about models having healthy eating habits. Tookie also discovers that her brooch functions as a Bag of Holding when she holds a can of whipped cream near it & sees it disappear into the brooch, & that she is able to reach in & pull it out. Why? Buggered if I know.
The girls also attend a pampering session in the OoAh - the Modelland spa. The pampering zone has a special feature where you can pick your environment holodeck-style. Tookie picks "inside a whipped cream factory! With beach waves crashing outside the window!” as her fantasy environment. Here you can bathe, have a makeover, get a massage or a manicure... or be taken back in time to view events from your past by a trio of psychic women connected by their hair. Y'know, standard spa stuff, & not in any way, shape or form a clumsy way of inserting flashback scenes as a lazy way of moving the plot along. None of the scenes we see from the 3 girls who go in are interesting, so I'll just note that Tookie's Flashback is of a scene when she was 2, & she is shocked to see her parents showing her affection, which I'd probably care more about if Tookie wasn't such a doormat & actually showed some frustration or anger at how she is treated by her family, or if we weren't so constantly remind of how much of an hideous-looking loser Tookie is that sympathy died for her sometime within the first chapter.
Suddenly, a wild sub-plot appears! We see a group of people gathering for an expedition to gatecrash Modelland. The team includes Creamy & Myrracle, of course. There is also a girl from Tookie's school called Abigail Goode, who is super hairy. We know this because Tyra never passes up a chance to point out how HAIRY Abigail is. And how her mother is hairy too. They even carry "duffels that sported hairy sewn-on patches promoting their pro-hair causes." PRO-HAIR CAUSES. -_- So the message of this book is: Follow your modelling dreams because everyone is beautiful, even those who look like a genetic experiment gone wrong, like Tookie. Unless you have body hair. There are a couple of other people, but none of them really matter & the whole team is just there to be killed off one by one so you realise how dangerous this expedition is.
We rejoin Tookie 3 months down the line, because Tyra has gotten as sick of this as I have & decided to move shit along. Tookie is waking along chilling when she encounters Bravo again, who she's SUPER MAD at because the last time she saw him he pointed out she had a bit of food on her face, which is clearly rude & not just a friendly person helpfully pointing out that you have something on your face & you may wanna fix that. He's clearing some trees & accidentally covers Tookie in bits of bark & dust, so apologetically starts brushing the stuff off her face as best he can. Tookie's reaction is to SUCK ON HIS THUMB as it passes over her lips. Like closes her lips on it & sucking on it dreamily for several seconds before she comes back to reality. WHAT. C'mon, Tooks. I know he was flirting with you but that is a pretty odd reaction.
Tookie's next class is W.O.W. - War of Words. This is a debate class, ostensibly so that the Bellas can learn to sell products they are representing in their modelling careers, but really yet another clumsy narrative device so Tyra can drop more information into the story. Because guess what? Ci~L is dumped on the class again! But! Like a ray of sunshine, Tookie actually temporarily grows a spine & snaps at Zarpessa. Ms.Z sneered at Ci~L having to slum it with the No-Sees, & Tookie snaps “Yeah, well, you’re no stranger to slumming it yourself!” FINALLY! GIVE THAT GIRL A STANDING OVATION! Nice to see some actual spirit, though too little & too late.
Dylan gets upset at something & runs off. The other 3 go after her & find themselves in the Catwalk Corridor. Catwalk Corridor is full of cats (witty!) who attack the girls, though somehow they still look recognisably human to the point where Tookie is able to recognise several famous Intoxibellas amongst them. It turns out that this is where wayward models go after being turned in to cats. Why? IDK. It seems like a pretty sweet gig, not a punishment, & not only do the cats attack the girls but also offer them ~happy pills~ & fight with each other, so it's not like they seem to be deterred at all. One of the cats pisses on Zarpessa's feet when she turns up following Tookie, so I suppose that justifies it. This battles in the hilarity stakes by Tyra forgetting which way is up - one cat bites Tookie's ankle & comments that it is tasty & another wants a bite so jumps on the first cat to fight for it, & the fighting kitties land on Tookie's head.
Then the girls leave through an exit at the end of the corridor in the mouth of a talking wall carving which gives the cats a telling off that conveniently lays out the purpose of Catwalk Corridor but still not really explaining how it's a deterrent. They find themselves transported to the hallway of their dorm, with no sign of any cats.
The girls have an emo bonding session where they all reveal their insecurities to each other. Dylan is bullimic (of course her sassiness & spirit is just a front *rolls eyes*). Shiraz is insecure about her height & the fact that her parents died which means they didn't love her (what). Tookie just generally hates herself because... well just because. Having got this far into the book I can't really fault her for that. Piper's is even more bizarre - she's angry at her mother for marrying another albino instead of someone "normal" & so passing on the condition to her, even though HER WHOLE COUNTRY HAS ALBINISM, so that IS normal. Who exactly was her mother supposed to marry, considering that travelling outside their country is dangerous because of the LeGizzârds that see Sanscolorians as a delicacy. Then when Tookie tells her that she should be proud of her heritage because her people are geniuses, Piper explains that she wants to be seen as unique (wait, so you hate looking so out of place in Modelland but want to be seen as unique?). Maybe it's because I like Piper (she's kinda dorky in an endearing non-Tookieish way, is really smart, involved in politics in her country, & has a quiet determination). But Tyra's efforts to make her an outsider in Modelland bug the hell out of me. Yes, she's unusual-looking, but in an edgy, designers-would-kill-for-this way, & this is even noted by a couple of characters at various points. Dylan & Shiraz make sense as examples of girls who are beautiful but would struggle to find work in any kind of mainstream modelling. But Piper doesn't. If Tyra had wanted another non-standard beauty archetype, why not make Abigail (the hairy girl) a main character rather than a figure of mockery? Or just accept that Tookie can have one friend in her clique that isn't an outsider-but-not-as-much-an-outsider-as-Tookie?
Anyway, rant over, the girls agree that Tookie out-emos them all & vow to be less insecure in future because Tookie is such a special person & the fact that she hates herself just puts their measly issues into perspective & they feel so guilty for thinking of themselves like that. They decide they need a name & opt to call themselves the Unicas. Piper then takes Tookie to the Fashion Emergency Department Store (aka the hospital) to get her wounds from Catwalk Corridor stitched up. I'm positive the other girls got scratched as well, but screw them. On the way, they run into ZhenZhen (the senior girl who showed them around & gave them some advice when they first arrived, in case you forgot) who just happens to mention that there is an emergency ZipZap that goes straight to LaDorno! Oh but it's kind of twisted & there's a 50% chance you could end up in the wasteland so it's super dangerous & BTW it's somewhere near the stadium & byeeee gotta run or I'll be late!
The doctors wear scrubs, & when I say scrubs I mean their uniform includes a cloak covered in bristles, like a scrubbing brush. Ho ho ho! That's not even the weirdest thing about them - their feet are rollerskates. You see, long ago, Modelland took them in. "It was a blessing for my kind, because the powers that be at Modelland recognized that skates for feet would be put to good use in emergency medical situations,” the doctor continued. Yes, that would be my first thought too, & I cannot think of any reason why this would be a bad idea.
Oh, & Bravo is also here. He has some stitches he needs to get taken out. And the doctor just happens to put him in the same treatment room as Tookie, who is doped up on drugs that make her even weirder than usual & cause her to replace the first letter of every word with a Z. Bravo finds she is hungry & feeds her like a baby, but Tookie feels the food lacks a certain something, & pulls some whipped cream out of her Brooch of Holding -50. Bravo takes this pretty well, but their fun is soon interrupted by the return of the doctor to whisk Tookie off to get her lips fixed up. This involves her being put under general anaesthetic, even though I'm sure local would be sufficient.
Oh wait. Next page, we see Tyra abandon all pretence at even trying to move the story along in a subtle way. Tookie wakes up from the anaesthetic to find herself lying on a glass table in the M building, which is staff only & strictly off limits! Even by this book's standards this is stretching disbelief. To get here she must have walked out under the noses of doctors & nurses (sorry, Purses), as well as Piper, who had accompanied Tookie & was waiting for her in the waiting room. Then she had to walk over to the M building, get inside without being seen by anyone, walked into a random room & decided to crash out on the table. Oh, & many of the interior walls in the M building are made of a magical glass that randomly changes from clear to opaque, so it's a bit more than just getting lucky & being hidden by corners or the hallway just happening to be empty.
Tookie wonders along peeking in rooms through walls that oh-so-conveniently go opaque when the people in them turn around to look in her direction. Then she hears shouting coming from one room. Could this be a super lazy way of revealing important details that pertain to the plot (y'know, the one that's barely been mentioned, about how Ci~L brought them to Modelland even though their eligibility seems to be in doubt, & why she keeps giving them funny looks) while also being vague enough to leave room for misunderstanding, so Tyra can pad it out a bit more? Why yes, yes it is!
Persimmon, the head Mannecant & the Balladonna's chief lackey, is standing guard outside the room where the yelling is going on. However she doesn't spot Tookie as she is facing the room peeking at what's going on outside. And apparently has no peripheral vision. The person yelling is the BellaDonna herself. Who else would it be? And the person she's yelling at? Ci~L. I'm sure you didn't see that coming. Tookie didn't, but then we've already established she's not the brightest bulb. BD is yelling at Ci~L about how Ci~L has apparently talked about how Modelland is evil, etc, & asks how could Ci~L think it acceptable to do what she did with "those girls’ bodies". *gasp* What this could mean? Could she be referring to the rumour that each year Modelland picks girls to sacrifice? No of course not. That's an obvious urban legend. But Tookie is gullible so falls for this shit. Then! BD makes reference to "new trash" that Ci~L has "dug up", asking about "that round one, that wee one, and that wan one?", & saying that she is over their novelty & that Ci~L should "abolish them now". Ci~L refuses, & tells BD that it's because she knows a secret of hers. I'd love to quote this whole argument just to show you how ridiculously 'We Must Say All This Stuff We Already Know At Each Other So The Protagonist Can Overhear It', but suffice to say that before Ci~L tells BD her "grave mistake", she spends most of a page telling her that it wasn't any of the loooooong list of punishments BD inflicted on her, then has to pause for breath before revealing that the mistake was... forcing her to work in the Admissions Department, which meant she could see the new Bella's admissions records. But, what does this have to do with anything? Well Ci~l is about to tell you. But first she really must explain the 3 rules a BellaDonna must abide by. What are these rules though? Don't worry! Ci~L is about to list them to the BellaDonna 'in case she's forgotten'. The first 2 are both irrelevant & pointless, so I'll skip to: "Do not tamper with the predetermined admissions list!”
OMG IT'S A FIX! All that faffing around for T-DOD, & the whole thing is a big con! And Ci~L knows it. Really, considering Ci~L has been getting punished for 6 months at this point, & the BellaDonna has been in charge for 10 years (both of these facts conveniently also mentioned in this conversation), you'd think this whole thing would have come up much earlier, rather than after all this time & just as Tookie happens to be passing. BD agrees to allow Piper, Dylan & Shiraz to remain in Modelland so long as Ci~L doesn't reveal this to anyone. Why though, asks the BD. Ci~L's answer: “You know why. They’re my experiments. If you don’t let me, what I did to those girls’ bodies just might have to happen again. This time, I’ll be successful-let the death march begin! C’mon, BellyDonna. You’re up for a little sacrifice, aren’t you?” See what I mean when I said earlier about how this conversation was for the purpose of revealing important details while also being conveniently vague? The whole thing is so deliberately worded to create a ~hilarious~ misunderstanding about the aforementioned sacrifice rumour. Wait though, we seem to have forgotten something! Just who is the person who was added to the list in place of a preselected candidate? I think we all know the answer to this, & it comes as no surprise when Tyra closes the chapter with Ci~L revealing the girl's identity. Clue: Her name begins with a T & she's obsessed with whipped cream.
Back to Creamy, Myrracle & the trusty band of Pilgrims, who have been hiking along all this time. We encounter them just in time to see a storm blowing in, which brings with it creatures known as Tumble Terrors. No description of them is given other than them being pug-sized so my imagination has filled in the rest based on the name & I'm picturing Tumbeasts. I want one as a pet. A few pages later it's revealed they have human torsos, but my imagination has already decided at this point. Creamy & Myarracle aren't worried though, as they have brought along some special concoction made by Creamy herself which just happens to protect them from all harm. Funnily, Creamy seems to know a lot about what sort of things lurk in the Waste & how to deal with the hazards...
Anyway never mind that - back to Tookie again. She has made it out of the building without being detected, even though she admits to herself as she is coming out the door that she was on the 77th floor, is certain she never used the lift, & only recalls a few flights of stairs. Look, we can't have Tyra explaining how stuff happens when she has no idea what's going on either.
Tookie runs into Bravo in the way back to the Dorm, & there's a bit more awkward flirting, including him comparing her head to a building (seriously) before Tookie tears herself away to get on with warning her friends of their impending doom. Back at base, Tookie reveals all she has seen & heard. By which I mean the general theme of the things she overheard, filled in with her own gruesome theories relayed as if she actually heard confirmation of them. They decide to escape (“I’ll do anythang not to get tortured,” Dylan said. “Even if it means goin’ back to work in customer service.” Whoa there! It can't be *that* bad!), & declare Tookie their leader. They are so fucked.
But weeks pass with no plans, until... Tookie has an idea! What about that emergency ZipZap to Metopia! You know, that one that was conveniently mentioned for no reason a few chapters ago that happens to be super dangerous? The Unicas don't like this plan though, & would rather go over the wall, because somehow a 50% chance of being dumped in the middle of the divide is worse than a 100% chance of having to go through it. But wouldn't you know it, that VERY night, Desperada, one of the other Bellas, decides she has had enough & - after having a screaming fit that wakes everyone & gives them enough time to rush out & witness it - runs off & climbs the wall. When she jumps down on the other side the wall becomes magically transparent, because we can't miss the show! Guess what? She has aged 50 years in an instant, just as everyone in Modelland warned would happen to anyone trying to leave unauthorised.
There's another night-time episode when Zarpessa goes bonkers & runs out of the room to hide in the fridge. This causes much mockery, but Tookie passes up the opportunity to reveal Zarpessa's shameful secret when a doctor asks her, because she really is too nice for her own good.
The next day, Bravo shows up to see Tookie, & (unintentional) hilarity ensues. He admits his feelings for her, & says it's because she sees his inner self. You see, other girls only want him for his looks, & he's so totally good looking & it sucks cos girls go totally crazy over him & stuff. HIS LIFE IS SO HARD U GAIZE. So then he tells Tookie a story about 'somebody he knows'. It's about a boy named Deco who wanted to be an architect & he was a total artistic prodigy at the age of 6 who was designing all these complex buildings, but he was so good looking that everyone was amazed, & this one time when he was 8 a conductor composed a whole symphony to his face, & when he was in his teens girls fainted when they saw him. But this was terrible! TERRIBLE! Because it meant no-one took him seriously as an architect. (I'm guessing that symphony was for a whole orchestra of tiny violins...) He was so angry at how hard his life was that he refused any suggestions he should attend Bestosterone, until one day he heard how super OMG amazing the buildings in Modelland were, & how some architects had attempted to travel through the Wastes to see it for themselves, but of course had failed ("All that was found of them in the Diabolical Divide were their bloody, torn clothes and an architectural drafting kit." Why do I find this so hilarious?). Of course, Deco is actually Bravo. HA HA! You'd never have guessed, right?
There's more mushy hilarious dialogue that is supposed to be romantic (perhaps it is - I have no patience for this bollocks so am no expert - but I somehow doubt it) & he asks her to be his girlfriend. And then comes The Line. The best, most cringingly awful piece of dialogue in the whole book. It makes Twilight's "my own personal brand of heroin" look like Shakespeare, so I suggest you put down any liquids & swallow any foods before reading on.
They fell silent for a moment. Tookie ducked her head. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I can’t wait to lose my… lip virginity to you.”
Yes, LIP VIRGINITY
Bravo wants to make the losing of Tookie's lip virginity an amazing experience, & has a perfect idea. He knows the location of a ZipZap that'll whisk the two lovebirds to LaDorno! Oh yeah & they can go right after the ManAttack modelling contest tomorrow- Oh whoops he wasn't supposed to tell her that as the challenge is supposed to be a surprise! Oh well as she already knows, he might as well tell her she is one of the competitors (of course she is). Tookie realises the ManAttack could be the perfect distraction as people will be so busy watching it that the Unicas can look for the secret exit! Before Tookie can tell Bravo about their plan to escape, they are interrupted, & Bravo has to leave.
Brief update on our intrepid Pilgrims: They're all dead except for Creamy, Myrracle, Bellissima, & Hutchy the LeGizzârd. Bellissima is slightly injured after Myrracle shanks her in a fit of jealousy, after Creamy points out how calmly Bellissima is handling everything compared to her (Bellissima, if you don't recall, is a doll). 2 get eaten by a pond monster, 2 get eaten by some other monster that dances, & 2 get taken out by a random fireball. One of the people killed by the fireball was Abigail, who shortly before her death went mad, stripped naked, picked up a dagger off the ground & shaved off all her body hair right there & then. Yes, all of it. Yes, dry. Yes, including *there*. (oh & guess what? She was totally beautiful under the hair. *gag*) Then suddenly, more fireballs shoot down! When the dust has cleared, Hutchy finds himself alone. Could Creamy & Myrracle be no more?!??!
Back to Tookie & friends. Tookie reveals to the Unicas that Bravo has showed her where the ZipZap is. Which means they met up again 'off camera' after being interrupted, but Tookie still failed to tell him why she really wanted to know where the exit was & that she was totally going to betray him by running off instead of kissing him. Tookie is then dragged off to the ManAttack, where she finds out who her competitor is... Bravo! Oh Tyra, you really must stop with these shocking & unexpected plot twists! Oh & it's worth noting that the other 2 Bestosteros competing are 2 of Bravo's friends, who are the only male models mentioned in the book. Can't have the author wasting time having to think up new characters can we?
Bravo comes to see Tookie & expains the rules to her. He's so busy doing this that it takes her ages to get a word in edgeways & explain about her plan to escape. He's a tad miffed she didn't tell him earlier, & that she is going without him, & tells her that his attempts to kiss her were just for a bet. Since Tookie is gullible she believes this despite it being a blatant attempt to wind her up as revenge. When it comes to her turn to battle, Tookie does terribly as always, but somehow manages to get top score because a SMIZE showed up in one of the makeup balls right at the last minute.
Suddenly Dylan keels over in a dead faint, & the whole arena goes dark. This is the signal that the other girls have found the ZipZap & are ready to go. Shiraz (who can see in the dark) drags Tookie off. The ZipZap has jagged, rusty teeth & a crimson pull that is hot to the touch. The girls still think this is a good plan, & through it they go. Then they reach a fork in the path. Tookie decides to go right, so the others do too. They end up in the Diabolical Divide. Should have listened to Piper, guys - she's smarter than the rest of you put together & she said left. Luckily, for all the fuss & 'OMG what if we end up in the divide?!' & dire warnings about what happened to a previous group of girls who used the ZipZap to escape a fire in the area & died in the Divide, it all proves to be no big deal. The quagmire they landed in tries to suck them down, & there are some fireballs shooting towards them, but they pull themselves out of the mud & dive back through the portal. It takes less than a page. Talk about an anti-climax.
So they go back in & take the left fork & land in a fountain in LaDorno. Sitting in the fountain, the girls wonder what they should do next & how they should get to their various homes. Then suddenly Ci~L swoops down on them, & they have to run for it. They escape down a manhole & run through the sewer. Piper has a good sense of direction so advises them which way to run (by amazing coincidence they exit the sewers at the exact spot Tookie was standing when she got picked for Modelland).
Bizarrely the streets seem to be totally deserted. Which is just as well, as Tookie is in her underwear. ManAttack competitors wear just their undies, see, & Tookie was too busy having a tantrum at Bravo to put anything on to model in ther than a bracelet, a crown & the SMIZE, & the SMIZE has fallen off, & presumably so has the crown, leaving her in a nude-coloured bra & knickers & a bracelet. And then of course the girls landed in mud in the Diabolical Divide before ending up in a fountain, so all of them are muddy & soaked.
Hang on though, there is one person! Yep, Crazy Tree Girl is here. She's been waiting here all these months for Tookie to come back, hiding in a bin. There's a brief & touching reunion before Lizzie sees Ci~L, freaks out & runs away. Tookie runs after her, but loses her. Then the other girls catch up in a bus, having persuaded the driver that they're in trouble & need a getaway vehicle. Unfortunately buses aren't designed to go at high speeds through city streets, & there's a crash. The girls wake up next to the totalled bus by the Obscure Obelisks, where they see Ci~L kneeling at the base, whipping herself with a reed & wailing how sorry she is. She starts yelling to the Obelisks how she'd told them that they were beautiful & worthy, & then yelling in the direction of Modelland that it killed them, & how she'd dug to find someone.
Tookie sits her down, & finally the truth comes out. Once upon a time, Ci~L had three friends - Hendal, Woodlyn, & Katherine. They didn't get to go to Modelland, but once Ci~L became an Intoxibella she got a flat in LaDorno & hung out with her BFFs & told them how Modelland's concept of beauty was dumb & they were totally worthy of being there whatever anyone said. One was voluptuous, one was pale, & one was short. I think you can see where this is going. They tried to make it to Modelland & perished in the Divide. Ci~L went in search of them & retrieved their bodies (2 of which were buried & needed to be dug up), then brought them back to LaDorno & buried them there, erecting the 3 Obelisks in their memory. Ci~L was angry at her friends' deaths, & rebelled, & that's why she's been getting punished. When she picked up Tookie to cart her off to Modelland, she saw how unusual-looking she was, & was inspired to get rid of the list she had been given, & picked contenders that reminded her of her dead friends instead to see if they really could make it in Modelland. See, Tookie? This is what Ci~L meant when she called Piper, Dylan & Shiraz her "experiments". That'll teach you for eavesdropping & developing theories based on a barely-understood conversation. But why was Tookie on the list (since we already know she was not meant to be)? Nope, Ci~L doesn't know that. So everything seems to be settled now, & Ci~L persuades them to come back to Modelland, & off they go.
They're back just in time for the grand 7Seven tournament, where the next 7 Intoxibellas will be selected. If the losers are lucky they may get to stay on at Modelland as Scouts/errand-runners, but everyone else has to go home in disgrace. All living Intoxibellas are required to attend, & dignitaries & contest winners are also among the audience. Luckily everyone is so busy with all the drama of the tournament they don't notice the state of the 4 girls. Since this probably won't work for too long, they stop by the dorm to change into their uniforms. They rush to the ceremony, but the doors are closed. What do?
And theeeeeen! A filthy, bedraggled creature that is not recognisable as human crawls over the wall & lands in front of them! It's Creamy with Myrracle right behind. She demands an immediate audience with the BellaDonna & to everyone's surprise, gets one. The BellaDonna is in the spa having some last minute primping done. She & Creamy have an argument, where it's clear they know each other & Tookie's selection for Modelland in Myrraclle's place is some sort of revenge deal by the BellaDonna. Tookie is frustrated at not knowing what is going on, & neither women seems inclined to fill her in. So she lures the two women down the corridor to the Flashback room, & the three of them wind up in there along with Ci~L & Persimmon.
I'm going to summarize this for the sake of coherence (& also LJ said the post was too damn long). It turns out Belladonna (real name: Ladonna - imaginative!), Creamy (Cremalatta Defacake) & Persimmon (nicknamed Percy) were all Bellas together. Ladonna is in love with Ray, a non-Modelland guy, which is against the rules. Creamy tries to seduce him behind Ladonna's back, but fails. Ladonna later becomes pregnant, but only realises when she goes into labour. Her mother bursts in (she's the BellaDonna herself as apparently the title is hereditory, which goes against everything mentioned about the job but w/e), having apparently known all along that her daughter was pregnant - but didn't think this would be vauable information to her daughter - & snatches the baby away. She dismisses Persimmon because she happens to be there & so it's somehow her fault, so Percy opts to be a Mennecant rather than leave. Ladonna gets to stay on as a Bella, but is distressed at not being able to see her baby (being raised by its dad) & persuades Creamy to accompany her on a sneaky visit, having assured her friend she can get the ageing effects reversed because Royalty. Cremalatta agrees & they clamber over the wall. Instantly they become old & wrinkly & hideous, & hasten though the Divide, apparently on foot. It took Creamy & Myrracle 6 months of trekking through wilderness to make their way to Modelland, but these two can get though quickly enough that they don't have to worry about making it back within 3 days.
It turns out the the guy is... Wingtip the hobo! Tookie realises this because in the flashback she see him placing the baby into a shoe for a cradle (Yes, a shoe. Has Tyra never seen a baby, that she thinks one will fit comfortably in a shoe?). Unphased that his girlfriend is now an old woman, he lets her in while Creamy is left outside. But when Ladonna leaves to get formula from the local shop, Creamy (who is hugely jealous of her friends & wants a bit of life-ruining) seizes her opportunity for another seduction attempt, even though she's now in her 60s & not exactly irresistible. He isn't interested, but when Ladonna walks in she gets the wrong idea, & Creamy lies & says he tried to seduce her. They're dragged off by Modelland security. Queen BellaDonna offers Ladonna a choice between leaving Modelland forever to live with Ray & her child, remaining aged, or stay at Modelland, have her youth restored, but never see Ray again or acknowledge the child. Convinced that he's cheated on her, she opts for the former, & instantly becomes young & beautiful again (though stuck with poor eyesight). She then demands Ray not have custody because fuck him that's why, & the child is taken away, & Ray dragged off by security. Creamy requests her youth be restored but is told to piss off (Queenie sees right through her), so snarls the truth of what happened. Ladonna pleads with her mother for a do-over but is denied.
Oh, but we have one last little revelation in this whole sorry saga! Ladonna, distraught, reaches out towards her baby, begging to at least be allowed to hold it one last time, & say goodbye to her darling little...
...
...
CI~L!
Now out of the flashback, an argument breaks out between... well everyone really. Creamy & BellaDonna start fighting & in the tussle, Creamy gets impaled on the spikes that BD's dress is studded with. Tookie desperately holds Creamy, overwhelmed by love for her & still not getting it. Of course what Creamy wants is for Tookie to hand Bellissima to her.
Security rushes in. Persimmon tells the chief it was deliberate attempted murder, & Tookie refuses to speak up in her defence because she doesn't trust the woman, & she'd hurt Creamy (who is totally trustworthy & has never done anything bad to Tookie or anyone). The BellaDonna is dragged off, the 7Seven tournament & T-DOD is postponed, & Modelland is closed down until further notice. The world goes mad. People commit suicide, factories creating fashion items shut down (no need to produce new wares - who would buy new stuff without new models?), riots break out, shops are looted. Modelling is srs business.
While the world goes to hell in a handcart, Tookie & Ci~L go to visit their mothers. now undergoing punishment in the dreaded Ugly Room. "The BellaDonna sat upright in a chair, dressed in a gray Ugly Room jumpsuit, similar to the one Ci~L had worn. Her body faced a wall of mirrors, which reflected not the lovely woman they had just seen in the flesh for the first time, but a pockmarked, scaly-skinned beast. She had entrails for hair, a twisted tree root for a nose, and millipedes for eyelashes. The BellaDonna writhed in pain at her hideous reflection, but she couldn’t turn away: a restraint around her head forced her to face forward. Her wrists and ankles were bound to the chair, which was bolted to the floor. Metal clamps held her eyes open, making blinking impossible. A saline stream dripped into her eyes from a clear bag above."
Creamy is lying on a cot hooked up to various medical equipment, with Bellissima next to her. The room has apparently decided that she's already ugly enough. Tookie is still showing her affection, even after all this. Does the girl never learn? Ci~L at least shows some anger to how she was treated by her mother, & BellaDonna manages to tear herself out of her punishment enough to explain that she regretted having to give Ci~L up, but how proud of her she was, & how she'd only been so hard with punishing her because she knew that Narzz would have Ci~L executed for what she had done & hoped to avoid that by trying to get her to reform. She also explains the reason behind Ci~L's name - see love. *gag* They embrace & make peace with each other.
Then security chief Narzz comes & drags Ci~L away. Tookie follows. She ends up before the Bored of Modelland (its board of directors, geddit?) for what seems to be a tribunal. O noes, what now?! Ta da! They're making her the new BellaDonna (it's a hereditary post, remember? And she's the former BellaDonna's only daughter!). As her first order, she gets Narzz to bow down & kiss Tookie's shoes for being such a big meanie to her.
And then after they've left the M building, Zarpessa comes up to Tookie to tell her she's found out that Tookie didn't tell people her secret when she went mad, & is sorry for being so horrible. Then Bravo shows up. He's planted a special garden with magic seeds that grow up instantly so they have a special place to kiss, which they then do after more slushy dialogue. Then he gets her to close her eyes, & squirts whipped cream into both their mouths before kissing her again. LOL WTF.
Then Tookie tops it all of by saying it was different to how she'd been kissed before, which confuses dear Bravo as Tookie had told him she'd never kissed before. She explains that, well yeah she hasn't really, but it's just that her mirror didn't have a tongue & so kissing like this feels weird. SHE ADMITTED THAT SHE'D PRACTISED KISSING ON A MIRROR & THAT KISSING AN ACTUAL PERSON FET WEIRD IN COMPARISON. Girl, I get being awkward, but some on. Bravo doesn't ditch her & run in the opposite direction. Instead he continues to kiss her, but with no tongue involved.
The book ends with Tookie just chilling, looking at the view from the M building (Ci~L the new Princess BellaDonna, has totally given her a special pass). She overhears a familiar voice screeching for the cats of Catwalk Corridor to leave her alone, & thus we find out where Myrracle has got to, Tyra having realised there are a few loose ends to tie up & that she really should shoehorn in a quick. She randomly considers how she totally learned from reading a medical dictionary that Metopic means “of or pertaining to the forehead” (Tyra has come up with s super clever name for Tyra's homeland & she's damned if she's going to pass up an opportunity to show how clever she is somewhere in the book, goddammit!). Piper, Dylan & Shiraz didn't show up at all after they got left outside the Flashback room. Tookie doesn't even mention offhandedly how they're doing.
Then Ci~L shows up to chat. She says something that reminds Tookie of Wingtip the hobo & Tookie considers how interesting it is that Ci~L should echo her father, yet doesn't think it might be nice to mention that HEY I'VE TOTALLY MET YOUR LONG LOST DAD & KNOW WHERE HE CAN BE FOUND & ALSO HE COULD PROBABLY DO WITH A BIT OF FINANCIAL HELP FROM HIS DAUGHTER. Ci~L asks Tookie if she wants to come with her on a little flying jaunt & Tookie accepts. (Worth pointing out at this stage that the world is still in chaos, as Ci~L new position hasn't been made public & nobody has said anything about how long Modelland will be on lockdown for & nobody knows what's going on except for a handful of people, so the uncertainty still persists. But hey, no biggie, right?) They fly off over the Diabolical Divide, then Ci~L gets the sensation that she's going to teleportal - sometimes she just gets these urges, you see. The universe tells her to teleportal & she just does, even though she doesn't know where it would take her. They find themselves zooming towards a cemetery in the Divide. As they head towards the ground, a hole opens them up & swallows them, & they disappear.
And then? Nope, that's it. You have to wait for the Next Book. *dramatic music*
As a bit of fun, here are some countries Tyra mentions in the book. See if you can guess what real world countries she based them on. (Hard mode: Without facepalming.)
Très Jolie
Gowdee
NorDenSwee
Cappuccina
TooLip
Fuji
Chakra
Icylann
Didgeridoo
Oktooberfest
If you still haven't had enough, I posted some quotes to my Tumblr as I was reading.
Modelland is an exclusive modelling academy on top of a mountain, surrounded by fog. Once a year the fog passes, public auditions are held, & Scouts come down to recruit new girls to attend. 7 (or rather, 7Seven) lucky girls will go on to become models Intoxibellas (a profession that comes complete with superpowers - most girls get 1, but if you're ~super special~ you might have even more). Nobody knows anything about Modelland, because the land it's located in seems to be twinned with Mordor. Anyone trying to reach it without invitation dies. Basically, this book is like someone wrote a crossover fanfic combining Harry Potter, America's Next Top Model, The Hunger Games & Twilight, then decided to publish as a proper book so changed the names to avoid lawsuits.
OK, before we get going, a glossary of useless terms:
Bella = trainee model
Intoxibella = model
Intoxibello = male model
No-Sees = New Bellas
Bestosterone = The male modelling academy. They don't do much modelling though - just do the grunt work for the ladies.
Bestosteros = Male models
Mannecant = Living mannequins who are failed Bellas & opted to act as Modelland servants rather than leave.
ZipZap = portal system used to travel around Modelland
T-DOD = The Day of Discovery (where hopefuls audition to be admitted to Modelland
Sentura = Magic belt made of shimmery gold fabric that gives the models their superpowers
Triple7 = A model who has all the 7 powers that are apparently available
Diabolical Divide = The area around Modelland
Pilgrims Plague = An illness where the sufferer becomes convinced they belong in Modelland, & their obsession drives them to make the journey there, to inevitably perish in the Divide.
Gurus = The highest level of instructors at Modelland
The BellaDonna = The ruler of Modelland - mostly appears to most people on the form of a statue except at the 7Seven Tournament.
Purses = nurses at Modelland's hospital
Lumière = The magical light that shines on a Bella while she is asleep, highlighting her best side.
ManAttack = Modelling contest where models from Modelland & Bestosterone compete against each other.
Our heroine is called Tookie De La Crème. After a mercifully brief prologue containing lines like "You begin your mornings staring at the fog, longing for the fateful evening when it will turn a golden yellow and then, finally, like a push-up brassiere, lift.", we first meet her lying in the hallway of her school, spraying whipped cream into her mouth straight from the can. She's supposed to be in class, but that's OK, as nobody notices her. Really. Because she is "a Forgetta-Girl". When the bell goes & people leave classes, she is so unnoticeable that people don't even step on her. (Craaaaawling iiiiin my skiiiiiiin...) In case we're not clear enough how much of a like, total loser Tookie is, she pulls out her special book she calls her "T-Mail Jail", where she writes letters she never sends. She has "DON’T KEEP OUT!" & "INVADE MY PRIVACY-PLEASE!" on the cover. Yes, she has to beg people to sneak a peek at her innermost thoughts. As she writes a new letter, we learn why she is lying on the floor. It's a form of protest! Silent Protest by Lying Down (or SPLD). Against what? Uh, well a few weeks ago she fell over & nobody stopped to help, except Theophilus Lovelaces, who is only like THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL. He's rich! & handsome! & smart! & is Class President! & he should have gone to a private school but he wanted to be “among the regular people"! He offered to help Tookie up, but she acted like a lunatic & he ended up backing away awkwardly. She now hopes that if she just lies around on the floor, he will try to help her up again. It is, as I think you'll agree, a plan with no drawbacks. She is so in love with him, that when he drops a promotional badge for his re-election campaign & it gets kicked across the corridor & ends up in a bin, Tookie goes diving into the bin to retrieve it (when she finds it, the text is mostly obscured by filth from the bin, so that it seems to spell out 'TOOKIE', so she keeps it for the rest of the book without cleaning it - fucking ew). She actually keeps it like this throughout the book. But her beloved only has eyes for his girlfriend Zarpessa, the most beautiful girl in the school.
Let us pause for a moment, as I skipped over a super important description of Tookie Sue which opened the chapter. I blame the whipped cream for distracting me - it won't happen again, I swear (maybe). So... Her eyes are 3cm too far apart, & her mouth 4cm too wide. Her hair has "multiple personality disorder" can't decide whether to be curly, straight, frizzy, wavy, or an afro. She has a slightly hunched back, feet the size of snowshoes, stickfigure limbs, & a punch-bowl-sized head with a super-huge forehead, & last but not least, mis-matched eyes. BTW, lest you think this is just Tookie's emoness talking & just a case of low self-esteem & she's actually super pretty: Pretty much everyone comments on how weird & fugly she looks. Not just people from Modelland either - people go out of their way to comment. You half expect to turn a page & see dialogue that goes, 'That'll be $3, miss. Also damn your forehead is huge.'
(A note to non-ANTM viewers: Every single week Tyra tells the contestants at length about how her looks are so weird & when she started modelling she was told to GTFO so many times & nobody 'got' her look & it took lots of trying before someone gave her a chance. As if this wasn't the story of almost every other model out there. So if you're sitting there going 'Hmmm... Mary Sue, or just badly written...?' this may help you decide.)
Metopia, the country where Tookie lives, is split into 4 sections, each with its own weather system. Shivera is cold, Pitter-Patter is "tempestuous" (whatever that means), LaDorno is where the elite live & it's awesome & lovely, & Peppertown (Tookie's area) is roasting hot. It's so hot that to illustrate it we see a woman step outside & her skin goes red instantly, & the ink melts off a man's newspaper. Everyone in Peppertown works in factories. You get the impression Tyra threw in the factories because she saw Metropolis once & doesn't know of any other way to represent a dystopia.
While Tookie is walking home she observes signs saying "WHERE IS Ci~L?". We are told that Ci-L is the most perfect Intoxibella ever who had all sorts of powers, & suddenly disappeared a few months before. Ooooh mysterious. Tyra is terrible at plotting, & basically any person or device she goes out of her way to mention, or who Tookie looks at or thinks about for more than 2 seconds will be important later.
Tookie stops off at a tree on her way home. This is where her BFF Lizzie lives. Lizzie is almost certainly schizophrenic & cuts herself with sharp rocks (Peppertown's streets are apparently terribly maintained). Tookie's idea of helping her friend is to try to hug her better & tell her to stop hurting herself. Shockingly this doesn't seem to be making the voices stop (apparently you can't hug psychosis away - who knew?), but Tookie wants to run away with Crazy Tree Girl & leave the city & then everything will be perfect. Because Crazy Tree Girl knows how much Tookie loves Theophilus, she takes her to the back of a restaurant where some homeless people are dumpster diving. One of them is Zarpassa! SHOCK! SCANDAL! Her family must have lost their fortune & she is lying to keep up appearances! She sees them so they run away. Lizzie starts having an episode & runs off. So Tookie, bewildered that hugging it better STILL doesn't seem to be working, goes home.
And so we meet her family! Tookie's mother is batshit. She's obsessed with anything looking old & throws food out if it's anything less than perfect. She also collects dolls, including a baby doll called Bellissima who she treats like a real baby. Typical dolfie fan then. She demands that everyone called her Creamy - including her daughters - & has a face that is full of wrinkles, though her body is slim & in good shape. Her father Christopher De La Crème used to be a professional dancer/acrobat called Chris-Crème-Crobat until an unfortunate accident left him with only one eye. Then we have the youngest family member. Myrracle is 13 (2 years younger than Tookie). She is pretty & perfect, & her parents love her & are grooming her for Modelland. She is also vapid, conceited & airheaded. They all treat Tookie like something the cat dragged in. Compared to them, the Dursleys were loving & caring guardians to Harry. Despite how she is treated, Tookie is still nice & loving to her family & won't hear a word against them. Holy crap girl, even Cinderella let steam off with her animal friends while her step-family's backs were turned.
All of this is terribly thrilling of course. Well, terrible at least. But where is the plot? Suddenly, a McGuffin appears! It's super effective. See, every year, in the days leading up to the Day of Discovery, 7 SMIZEs are released into the world, showing up in the water. It can be any water, even sewage. This one appears out of the kitchen tap into Tookie's hand. For some reason Tyra neglects to inform us if anyone has ever pissed one out, which in my view is just plain lazy writing. What a SMIZE is I'm not sure. Tyra goes on about how sparkly they are & they're kinda shaped like glasses, but they seem to be like magical eyeshadow that decorates the skin around your eyes rather than glasses, & it's all kinda vague & MAGIC! & stuff. "The SMIZE was made up of ornate eye-shadowlike flourishes in strokes of taxicab-, Dijon-, babychick-, banana-, and lemonade-yellow. Thinner than a sheet of paper, it was surprisingly heavy, and seemed to hum ever so slightly as it rested in Tookie’s palms." Your guess is as good as mine. Whatever it is it boosts your chances of getting picked by 91% so the whole world goes nuts trying to find one. Even though Tookie finds it, she meekly hands it over because obviously Myrracle deserves it.
Obviously, this means a shopping trip for the perfect dress for Princess Myrracle to wear on T-DOD. Suddenly the mists around the mountain part & there's a huge pyrotechnic display with rainbow clouds & stuff & a voice from on high announces the 7 newest Intoxibellas & what superpowers they have.
After this, Tookie runs into a hobo she's seen around. He carries a wingtip shoe slung over his shoulder, so she calls him Wingtip. She talks to him because he acknowledged her presence (Tookie being so pathetic & loserish that only crazy people pay her any attention). Crazy old hobos have one purpose only in fiction, so you don't need me to tell you that he gives a 'follow your dreams' speech. Also since anyone Tookie interacts with for more than 5 seconds has a role to play later on & you'll know this is not his only appearance. Same goes for any items mentioned, such as the 3 Mysterious Obelisks that magically appeared in Metopia one day.
When they get home Tookie's parents have a fight & her Mr De La Crème randomly announces his belief that she is not really his child & he's going to take her toothbrush to a DNA testing lab as soon as Myrracle has gone to Modelland. Where he gets the idea she's not his, IDK. He never mentions any reasoning that doesn't come across as paranoia ('You wouldn't let me be with you at the birth!'), but with Tyra's Everything Happens For A Reason approach to plotting there definitely is some question over Tookie's parentage.
The next day is T-DOD itself! Crazy Tree Girl has appeared to collect Tookie so they can run away together, but her family drive away, as anyone would if there's a random girl standing in your front garden screaming. For the auditions on T-DOD, the prospective models have a 15 minute window in which to walk around, during which Scouts flitter around & pick out prospective models. Many show up & whisk girls away, but the De La Crème family are ignored... until one shows up at the very last second. But of course! And she picks Tookie, of all people! Who could possibly have seen this coming? (Apart from everyone.)
Before Tookie arrives in Modelland, however, she must pick up a few more candidates. Our next stop is Bou-Big-Tique Nation, a country inside a giant department stores. Her target is Dylan, who isn't intentionally walking in the contest - she's just trying to give some of the walkers a pep talk. Next, to a land called Canne Del Abra, where they produce candles. They are here for Shiraz Shiraz. Oh, & I should mention here that Tookie is able to speak with Shiraz in her own language, Labrian, as she "has a knack for quickly picking up foreign languages" & can speak multiple languages fluently. Next to SansColor, a land where everyone has albinism (which I'm pretty sure is a recessive trait, so this suggests some epic amounts of inbreeding going on), where the Scout collects Piper, the daughter of SansColor's Prime Minister, of all people.
Let's pause for a description of these new girls. Dylan is "shaped like a bottle of Bou-Big-Tique cola", with broad thighs, a heart shaped face, full, raspberry coloured lips, lavender-blue eyes & long, thick, golden hair. Shiraz is petite (4'7") & muscular, with freckles & full lips. Piper is tall, with white skin & hair, & rose-coloured eyes. These are clearly supposed to be Tyra's idea of freakish people who have no chance being modes, judging by the reactions they get throughout the books, but... the only one who actually sounds ugly from the descriptions is Tookie herself, & the only one I can't see getting any work out of the others is Shiraz (who is too short). Dylan sounds perfect for being a plus size model & there are designers who would kill for Piper. (Speaking of Piper, she is easily my favourite character in this mess. She is intelligent, literate, ogical, practical & calm, & campaigned for her mother's opponent in the election. I'm amazed she wasn't killed off in 5 minutes.)
The 4 girls become friends. You'll notice they are carefully picked to have looks that are out of place in the Modelland world of high fashion - Dylan is plus size, Shiraz is short, & Piper is... really really pale (Because fashion doesn't like edgy-looking pale girls apparently...). Though of course, none of them are as freakish-looking as Tookie, because we can't have anyone stealing our heroine's emotastic glory.
And now, finally, we arrive at Modelland. It turns out that our scout is actually - dun dun DUHN! - Ci~L! Whatever can she be doing in such a lowly role? And why does she address Dylan, Piper, & Shiraz as Hendal, Katherine & Woodlyn & say “You all made it.” before acting much more aloof to Tookie? Why does the stone guardian of Modelland seem unsure when he grants Tookie entry, & have to be manipulated by Ci~L to validate the other 3? Could there be something going on? Duh. There's a big opening ceremony, which has Tookie wishing her sister had been chosen as she would have enjoyed the dancing. Really. Myrracle did nothing but put Tookie down, & she's still thinking the best of her. During the ceremony, for no real reason other than Tyra needing to establish this, a big deal is made about how Ci~L has been stripped of her rank due to being rebellious & there's a bit of 'Shun the non-believer! Shuuuuun!'
Anyway, it's time to get on with things. ZhenZhen, who is tasked with showing the n00bs around, keeps dropping unhelpful hints about what is to come next. Unhelpful because she keeps saying things about how they should be careful & then going 'OMG ooops shouldn't have said that sorry can't say anymore!' then looking scared/sorrowful &, before giving hints that just freak people out more. This is 99% of ZhenZhen's role in the book.
The next event turns out to be Thigh-High Boot Camp (by this point in proceedings, you surely can't have been expecting better, can you?). This is a series of trials. The first involves the Mannecants applying makeup to the girls using supplies from *a* cart. If you've spotted the obvious then you're smarter than any of the newbie models. After the makeup has been applied, the girls get to admire themselves... THEN SUDDENLY! They behold hideous visages! I'm gonna have to quote here. "An older, unrecognizable person was staring at Tookie [from the mirror]. It had a boil growing on its nose, letting out a smoke that smelled of rotten eggs and animal droppings. Much of its hair had fallen out in clumps, and many of the hanging strands had fused together into what looked like chunks of petrified wood. Its eyes were bruised, swollen nearly shut, and its ears were swollen into what looked like bulbs of cauliflower." [...]
Piper’s skin was so raw it was transparent. Her blood was visible, pumping wildly through her face. She resembled a skeleton with muscles and veins, with a thin layer of clear plastic keeping it all together. Dylan’s ponytails had completely fallen out and she was cradling them in her arms. Her nose had become detached from her face and was sitting on top of the bed of hair. Shiraz’s grapefruit-sized eyes bulged and bulged like they were about to pop out of her head. The spot where the ruby had been on Kamalini’s SMIZE was now a gaping hole four inches wide, exposing her brain. Angelîka’s ZipZap head injury had split open wide from the top of her head to the base of her neck. When she screamed, her exposed vocal cords, which lay in a spaghetti-like tangle at her throat, vibrated. “My heads hurt so much!” both sides of Angelîka cried. Even Zarpessa and Chaste looked like mutants, their noses falling off and their lips turning into slugs.
Some girls are so shocked they immediately run through the door marked 'HOME'. Tookie is initially tempted to go with them... But! Then she suddenly realises it MUST be a trick! She talks the other 3 into trusting in her gut instinct towards the bloody obvious. And guess what? It turns out it was just an illusion! Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh? Yep, it was a warning not to share makeup. The other girls tell Tookie how super smart she is for figuring this out. She's starting to quite enjoy Thigh-High Boot Camp. "She thought the name was especially fitting because she felt like she was flying on a natural Thigh High." WTF does that even mean?
Next up, the Mannecants hand the girls designer bags & jewellery, which the girls find pleasing indeed. But suddenly the items attack! Earrings become heavy weights, necklaces heat up, bags strangle people with the straps! More girls run through the exit. It turns out the goods are fake! And this is exactly what designers feel like when you buy fake goods! The next trial involves the girls standing, one by one, under the needle of a large sewing machine, which stabs them right down to their feet & after that they vanish. But it's OK - they reappear in another room, where they are dragged by an unseen force though a door marked 'THIS WAY HOME'... & then find themselves outside in the plaza. What that was in aid of, I have no idea. But the trials are now over. Thank fuck Tookie & her friends got into Modelland. The tension was KILLING me.
They go to their dorms & are given their Senturas. The beds in the dorms are invisible, & only appear when you actually trip over & faceplant lie on them. Useful for tidiness, but very impractical. Oh & Zarpessa is one of the girls in Tookie's room. But I hardly needed to tell you that, did I? She steals the bed that Tookie has already claimed, to which Tookie of course puts up no fight & instead mopes off to feel around for another bed, finding one in a dark corner of the room, which turns out, upon materialising, to be smaller with scratchy sheets. Yes, Tookie is such a loser that she gets a special bed for rejects. While unpacking someone asks about the badge Tookie has, & she realises with horror that Zarpessa might recognise the badge she rescued from the bin in the first chapter. So instead of answering she desperately looks around the room for something to cover it up with, before running out into the hallway, grabbing a HUGE flower from a display, sticking it onto the badge, & running back into the room & showing off her awesome brooch. NO-ONE WILL SUSPECT A THING. Somehow this actually works.
The girls go to sleep. But when Tookie wakes up, she finds she has been sleepwalking again, & has awoken outside the cell where Ci~L is held, without knowing how she got there, & presumably having to get through locked doors & past guards, etc. The door is open & Ci~L is inside, totally absorbed in beating herself with a plank of wood while looking at a photo of the ~Mysterious Obelisks~. This is at least the 2nd time they've been mentioned. Hmm... I wonder if they'll be important later... She then wakes up back in her bed with no idea how she got back. How convenient & such a totally subtle way of giving the reader clues that are actually to be easily found throughout the book in a less heavy-handed means (by Tyra's standards anyway).
Oh & it turns out that all the girls get their period the next day, regardless of their own cycles, & with the exact same nausea + period pains + bloating because ALL GIRLS GET THIS. And it'll be the last one they ever get because nobody in Modelland has periods. While heading to her first class, Tookie encounters a superhot male model from the male academy, Bestosterone. He's called Bravo. He's helping to build a new stadium for Modelland, because that's all the guys do. He chats to her like she was some kind of normal person or something. Then his friends show up & Tookie runs away.
I'm not even halfway through, so I'll skip ahead & say Tookie did so badly at all of her classes that day, even though her friends do OK, & her Sentura just hangs limply, even though it swirled & formed itself around her the night before. How very odd! Oh wait it turns out that Zarpessa cut up a yellow dress she had to make various things, & as it was the same colour as the Senturas she made a fake one for Tookie & switched them. Which she somehow managed to do in one night, without any apparent sewing tools, & without anyone in the room noticing. And one of the items is a bra.
There's also a class about food & eating habits that involves the girls being dunked in vats of their favourite food (Tookie gets one filled with cans of whipped cream), & seems to be there entirely so Tyra can try to convince people that the modelling industry totally cares about models having healthy eating habits. Tookie also discovers that her brooch functions as a Bag of Holding when she holds a can of whipped cream near it & sees it disappear into the brooch, & that she is able to reach in & pull it out. Why? Buggered if I know.
The girls also attend a pampering session in the OoAh - the Modelland spa. The pampering zone has a special feature where you can pick your environment holodeck-style. Tookie picks "inside a whipped cream factory! With beach waves crashing outside the window!” as her fantasy environment. Here you can bathe, have a makeover, get a massage or a manicure... or be taken back in time to view events from your past by a trio of psychic women connected by their hair. Y'know, standard spa stuff, & not in any way, shape or form a clumsy way of inserting flashback scenes as a lazy way of moving the plot along. None of the scenes we see from the 3 girls who go in are interesting, so I'll just note that Tookie's Flashback is of a scene when she was 2, & she is shocked to see her parents showing her affection, which I'd probably care more about if Tookie wasn't such a doormat & actually showed some frustration or anger at how she is treated by her family, or if we weren't so constantly remind of how much of an hideous-looking loser Tookie is that sympathy died for her sometime within the first chapter.
Suddenly, a wild sub-plot appears! We see a group of people gathering for an expedition to gatecrash Modelland. The team includes Creamy & Myrracle, of course. There is also a girl from Tookie's school called Abigail Goode, who is super hairy. We know this because Tyra never passes up a chance to point out how HAIRY Abigail is. And how her mother is hairy too. They even carry "duffels that sported hairy sewn-on patches promoting their pro-hair causes." PRO-HAIR CAUSES. -_- So the message of this book is: Follow your modelling dreams because everyone is beautiful, even those who look like a genetic experiment gone wrong, like Tookie. Unless you have body hair. There are a couple of other people, but none of them really matter & the whole team is just there to be killed off one by one so you realise how dangerous this expedition is.
We rejoin Tookie 3 months down the line, because Tyra has gotten as sick of this as I have & decided to move shit along. Tookie is waking along chilling when she encounters Bravo again, who she's SUPER MAD at because the last time she saw him he pointed out she had a bit of food on her face, which is clearly rude & not just a friendly person helpfully pointing out that you have something on your face & you may wanna fix that. He's clearing some trees & accidentally covers Tookie in bits of bark & dust, so apologetically starts brushing the stuff off her face as best he can. Tookie's reaction is to SUCK ON HIS THUMB as it passes over her lips. Like closes her lips on it & sucking on it dreamily for several seconds before she comes back to reality. WHAT. C'mon, Tooks. I know he was flirting with you but that is a pretty odd reaction.
Tookie's next class is W.O.W. - War of Words. This is a debate class, ostensibly so that the Bellas can learn to sell products they are representing in their modelling careers, but really yet another clumsy narrative device so Tyra can drop more information into the story. Because guess what? Ci~L is dumped on the class again! But! Like a ray of sunshine, Tookie actually temporarily grows a spine & snaps at Zarpessa. Ms.Z sneered at Ci~L having to slum it with the No-Sees, & Tookie snaps “Yeah, well, you’re no stranger to slumming it yourself!” FINALLY! GIVE THAT GIRL A STANDING OVATION! Nice to see some actual spirit, though too little & too late.
Dylan gets upset at something & runs off. The other 3 go after her & find themselves in the Catwalk Corridor. Catwalk Corridor is full of cats (witty!) who attack the girls, though somehow they still look recognisably human to the point where Tookie is able to recognise several famous Intoxibellas amongst them. It turns out that this is where wayward models go after being turned in to cats. Why? IDK. It seems like a pretty sweet gig, not a punishment, & not only do the cats attack the girls but also offer them ~happy pills~ & fight with each other, so it's not like they seem to be deterred at all. One of the cats pisses on Zarpessa's feet when she turns up following Tookie, so I suppose that justifies it. This battles in the hilarity stakes by Tyra forgetting which way is up - one cat bites Tookie's ankle & comments that it is tasty & another wants a bite so jumps on the first cat to fight for it, & the fighting kitties land on Tookie's head.
Then the girls leave through an exit at the end of the corridor in the mouth of a talking wall carving which gives the cats a telling off that conveniently lays out the purpose of Catwalk Corridor but still not really explaining how it's a deterrent. They find themselves transported to the hallway of their dorm, with no sign of any cats.
The girls have an emo bonding session where they all reveal their insecurities to each other. Dylan is bullimic (of course her sassiness & spirit is just a front *rolls eyes*). Shiraz is insecure about her height & the fact that her parents died which means they didn't love her (what). Tookie just generally hates herself because... well just because. Having got this far into the book I can't really fault her for that. Piper's is even more bizarre - she's angry at her mother for marrying another albino instead of someone "normal" & so passing on the condition to her, even though HER WHOLE COUNTRY HAS ALBINISM, so that IS normal. Who exactly was her mother supposed to marry, considering that travelling outside their country is dangerous because of the LeGizzârds that see Sanscolorians as a delicacy. Then when Tookie tells her that she should be proud of her heritage because her people are geniuses, Piper explains that she wants to be seen as unique (wait, so you hate looking so out of place in Modelland but want to be seen as unique?). Maybe it's because I like Piper (she's kinda dorky in an endearing non-Tookieish way, is really smart, involved in politics in her country, & has a quiet determination). But Tyra's efforts to make her an outsider in Modelland bug the hell out of me. Yes, she's unusual-looking, but in an edgy, designers-would-kill-for-this way, & this is even noted by a couple of characters at various points. Dylan & Shiraz make sense as examples of girls who are beautiful but would struggle to find work in any kind of mainstream modelling. But Piper doesn't. If Tyra had wanted another non-standard beauty archetype, why not make Abigail (the hairy girl) a main character rather than a figure of mockery? Or just accept that Tookie can have one friend in her clique that isn't an outsider-but-not-as-much-an-outsider-as-Tookie?
Anyway, rant over, the girls agree that Tookie out-emos them all & vow to be less insecure in future because Tookie is such a special person & the fact that she hates herself just puts their measly issues into perspective & they feel so guilty for thinking of themselves like that. They decide they need a name & opt to call themselves the Unicas. Piper then takes Tookie to the Fashion Emergency Department Store (aka the hospital) to get her wounds from Catwalk Corridor stitched up. I'm positive the other girls got scratched as well, but screw them. On the way, they run into ZhenZhen (the senior girl who showed them around & gave them some advice when they first arrived, in case you forgot) who just happens to mention that there is an emergency ZipZap that goes straight to LaDorno! Oh but it's kind of twisted & there's a 50% chance you could end up in the wasteland so it's super dangerous & BTW it's somewhere near the stadium & byeeee gotta run or I'll be late!
The doctors wear scrubs, & when I say scrubs I mean their uniform includes a cloak covered in bristles, like a scrubbing brush. Ho ho ho! That's not even the weirdest thing about them - their feet are rollerskates. You see, long ago, Modelland took them in. "It was a blessing for my kind, because the powers that be at Modelland recognized that skates for feet would be put to good use in emergency medical situations,” the doctor continued. Yes, that would be my first thought too, & I cannot think of any reason why this would be a bad idea.
Oh, & Bravo is also here. He has some stitches he needs to get taken out. And the doctor just happens to put him in the same treatment room as Tookie, who is doped up on drugs that make her even weirder than usual & cause her to replace the first letter of every word with a Z. Bravo finds she is hungry & feeds her like a baby, but Tookie feels the food lacks a certain something, & pulls some whipped cream out of her Brooch of Holding -50. Bravo takes this pretty well, but their fun is soon interrupted by the return of the doctor to whisk Tookie off to get her lips fixed up. This involves her being put under general anaesthetic, even though I'm sure local would be sufficient.
Oh wait. Next page, we see Tyra abandon all pretence at even trying to move the story along in a subtle way. Tookie wakes up from the anaesthetic to find herself lying on a glass table in the M building, which is staff only & strictly off limits! Even by this book's standards this is stretching disbelief. To get here she must have walked out under the noses of doctors & nurses (sorry, Purses), as well as Piper, who had accompanied Tookie & was waiting for her in the waiting room. Then she had to walk over to the M building, get inside without being seen by anyone, walked into a random room & decided to crash out on the table. Oh, & many of the interior walls in the M building are made of a magical glass that randomly changes from clear to opaque, so it's a bit more than just getting lucky & being hidden by corners or the hallway just happening to be empty.
Tookie wonders along peeking in rooms through walls that oh-so-conveniently go opaque when the people in them turn around to look in her direction. Then she hears shouting coming from one room. Could this be a super lazy way of revealing important details that pertain to the plot (y'know, the one that's barely been mentioned, about how Ci~L brought them to Modelland even though their eligibility seems to be in doubt, & why she keeps giving them funny looks) while also being vague enough to leave room for misunderstanding, so Tyra can pad it out a bit more? Why yes, yes it is!
Persimmon, the head Mannecant & the Balladonna's chief lackey, is standing guard outside the room where the yelling is going on. However she doesn't spot Tookie as she is facing the room peeking at what's going on outside. And apparently has no peripheral vision. The person yelling is the BellaDonna herself. Who else would it be? And the person she's yelling at? Ci~L. I'm sure you didn't see that coming. Tookie didn't, but then we've already established she's not the brightest bulb. BD is yelling at Ci~L about how Ci~L has apparently talked about how Modelland is evil, etc, & asks how could Ci~L think it acceptable to do what she did with "those girls’ bodies". *gasp* What this could mean? Could she be referring to the rumour that each year Modelland picks girls to sacrifice? No of course not. That's an obvious urban legend. But Tookie is gullible so falls for this shit. Then! BD makes reference to "new trash" that Ci~L has "dug up", asking about "that round one, that wee one, and that wan one?", & saying that she is over their novelty & that Ci~L should "abolish them now". Ci~L refuses, & tells BD that it's because she knows a secret of hers. I'd love to quote this whole argument just to show you how ridiculously 'We Must Say All This Stuff We Already Know At Each Other So The Protagonist Can Overhear It', but suffice to say that before Ci~L tells BD her "grave mistake", she spends most of a page telling her that it wasn't any of the loooooong list of punishments BD inflicted on her, then has to pause for breath before revealing that the mistake was... forcing her to work in the Admissions Department, which meant she could see the new Bella's admissions records. But, what does this have to do with anything? Well Ci~l is about to tell you. But first she really must explain the 3 rules a BellaDonna must abide by. What are these rules though? Don't worry! Ci~L is about to list them to the BellaDonna 'in case she's forgotten'. The first 2 are both irrelevant & pointless, so I'll skip to: "Do not tamper with the predetermined admissions list!”
OMG IT'S A FIX! All that faffing around for T-DOD, & the whole thing is a big con! And Ci~L knows it. Really, considering Ci~L has been getting punished for 6 months at this point, & the BellaDonna has been in charge for 10 years (both of these facts conveniently also mentioned in this conversation), you'd think this whole thing would have come up much earlier, rather than after all this time & just as Tookie happens to be passing. BD agrees to allow Piper, Dylan & Shiraz to remain in Modelland so long as Ci~L doesn't reveal this to anyone. Why though, asks the BD. Ci~L's answer: “You know why. They’re my experiments. If you don’t let me, what I did to those girls’ bodies just might have to happen again. This time, I’ll be successful-let the death march begin! C’mon, BellyDonna. You’re up for a little sacrifice, aren’t you?” See what I mean when I said earlier about how this conversation was for the purpose of revealing important details while also being conveniently vague? The whole thing is so deliberately worded to create a ~hilarious~ misunderstanding about the aforementioned sacrifice rumour. Wait though, we seem to have forgotten something! Just who is the person who was added to the list in place of a preselected candidate? I think we all know the answer to this, & it comes as no surprise when Tyra closes the chapter with Ci~L revealing the girl's identity. Clue: Her name begins with a T & she's obsessed with whipped cream.
Back to Creamy, Myrracle & the trusty band of Pilgrims, who have been hiking along all this time. We encounter them just in time to see a storm blowing in, which brings with it creatures known as Tumble Terrors. No description of them is given other than them being pug-sized so my imagination has filled in the rest based on the name & I'm picturing Tumbeasts. I want one as a pet. A few pages later it's revealed they have human torsos, but my imagination has already decided at this point. Creamy & Myarracle aren't worried though, as they have brought along some special concoction made by Creamy herself which just happens to protect them from all harm. Funnily, Creamy seems to know a lot about what sort of things lurk in the Waste & how to deal with the hazards...
Anyway never mind that - back to Tookie again. She has made it out of the building without being detected, even though she admits to herself as she is coming out the door that she was on the 77th floor, is certain she never used the lift, & only recalls a few flights of stairs. Look, we can't have Tyra explaining how stuff happens when she has no idea what's going on either.
Tookie runs into Bravo in the way back to the Dorm, & there's a bit more awkward flirting, including him comparing her head to a building (seriously) before Tookie tears herself away to get on with warning her friends of their impending doom. Back at base, Tookie reveals all she has seen & heard. By which I mean the general theme of the things she overheard, filled in with her own gruesome theories relayed as if she actually heard confirmation of them. They decide to escape (“I’ll do anythang not to get tortured,” Dylan said. “Even if it means goin’ back to work in customer service.” Whoa there! It can't be *that* bad!), & declare Tookie their leader. They are so fucked.
But weeks pass with no plans, until... Tookie has an idea! What about that emergency ZipZap to Metopia! You know, that one that was conveniently mentioned for no reason a few chapters ago that happens to be super dangerous? The Unicas don't like this plan though, & would rather go over the wall, because somehow a 50% chance of being dumped in the middle of the divide is worse than a 100% chance of having to go through it. But wouldn't you know it, that VERY night, Desperada, one of the other Bellas, decides she has had enough & - after having a screaming fit that wakes everyone & gives them enough time to rush out & witness it - runs off & climbs the wall. When she jumps down on the other side the wall becomes magically transparent, because we can't miss the show! Guess what? She has aged 50 years in an instant, just as everyone in Modelland warned would happen to anyone trying to leave unauthorised.
There's another night-time episode when Zarpessa goes bonkers & runs out of the room to hide in the fridge. This causes much mockery, but Tookie passes up the opportunity to reveal Zarpessa's shameful secret when a doctor asks her, because she really is too nice for her own good.
The next day, Bravo shows up to see Tookie, & (unintentional) hilarity ensues. He admits his feelings for her, & says it's because she sees his inner self. You see, other girls only want him for his looks, & he's so totally good looking & it sucks cos girls go totally crazy over him & stuff. HIS LIFE IS SO HARD U GAIZE. So then he tells Tookie a story about 'somebody he knows'. It's about a boy named Deco who wanted to be an architect & he was a total artistic prodigy at the age of 6 who was designing all these complex buildings, but he was so good looking that everyone was amazed, & this one time when he was 8 a conductor composed a whole symphony to his face, & when he was in his teens girls fainted when they saw him. But this was terrible! TERRIBLE! Because it meant no-one took him seriously as an architect. (I'm guessing that symphony was for a whole orchestra of tiny violins...) He was so angry at how hard his life was that he refused any suggestions he should attend Bestosterone, until one day he heard how super OMG amazing the buildings in Modelland were, & how some architects had attempted to travel through the Wastes to see it for themselves, but of course had failed ("All that was found of them in the Diabolical Divide were their bloody, torn clothes and an architectural drafting kit." Why do I find this so hilarious?). Of course, Deco is actually Bravo. HA HA! You'd never have guessed, right?
There's more mushy hilarious dialogue that is supposed to be romantic (perhaps it is - I have no patience for this bollocks so am no expert - but I somehow doubt it) & he asks her to be his girlfriend. And then comes The Line. The best, most cringingly awful piece of dialogue in the whole book. It makes Twilight's "my own personal brand of heroin" look like Shakespeare, so I suggest you put down any liquids & swallow any foods before reading on.
They fell silent for a moment. Tookie ducked her head. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I can’t wait to lose my… lip virginity to you.”
Yes, LIP VIRGINITY
Bravo wants to make the losing of Tookie's lip virginity an amazing experience, & has a perfect idea. He knows the location of a ZipZap that'll whisk the two lovebirds to LaDorno! Oh yeah & they can go right after the ManAttack modelling contest tomorrow- Oh whoops he wasn't supposed to tell her that as the challenge is supposed to be a surprise! Oh well as she already knows, he might as well tell her she is one of the competitors (of course she is). Tookie realises the ManAttack could be the perfect distraction as people will be so busy watching it that the Unicas can look for the secret exit! Before Tookie can tell Bravo about their plan to escape, they are interrupted, & Bravo has to leave.
Brief update on our intrepid Pilgrims: They're all dead except for Creamy, Myrracle, Bellissima, & Hutchy the LeGizzârd. Bellissima is slightly injured after Myrracle shanks her in a fit of jealousy, after Creamy points out how calmly Bellissima is handling everything compared to her (Bellissima, if you don't recall, is a doll). 2 get eaten by a pond monster, 2 get eaten by some other monster that dances, & 2 get taken out by a random fireball. One of the people killed by the fireball was Abigail, who shortly before her death went mad, stripped naked, picked up a dagger off the ground & shaved off all her body hair right there & then. Yes, all of it. Yes, dry. Yes, including *there*. (oh & guess what? She was totally beautiful under the hair. *gag*) Then suddenly, more fireballs shoot down! When the dust has cleared, Hutchy finds himself alone. Could Creamy & Myrracle be no more?!??!
Back to Tookie & friends. Tookie reveals to the Unicas that Bravo has showed her where the ZipZap is. Which means they met up again 'off camera' after being interrupted, but Tookie still failed to tell him why she really wanted to know where the exit was & that she was totally going to betray him by running off instead of kissing him. Tookie is then dragged off to the ManAttack, where she finds out who her competitor is... Bravo! Oh Tyra, you really must stop with these shocking & unexpected plot twists! Oh & it's worth noting that the other 2 Bestosteros competing are 2 of Bravo's friends, who are the only male models mentioned in the book. Can't have the author wasting time having to think up new characters can we?
Bravo comes to see Tookie & expains the rules to her. He's so busy doing this that it takes her ages to get a word in edgeways & explain about her plan to escape. He's a tad miffed she didn't tell him earlier, & that she is going without him, & tells her that his attempts to kiss her were just for a bet. Since Tookie is gullible she believes this despite it being a blatant attempt to wind her up as revenge. When it comes to her turn to battle, Tookie does terribly as always, but somehow manages to get top score because a SMIZE showed up in one of the makeup balls right at the last minute.
Suddenly Dylan keels over in a dead faint, & the whole arena goes dark. This is the signal that the other girls have found the ZipZap & are ready to go. Shiraz (who can see in the dark) drags Tookie off. The ZipZap has jagged, rusty teeth & a crimson pull that is hot to the touch. The girls still think this is a good plan, & through it they go. Then they reach a fork in the path. Tookie decides to go right, so the others do too. They end up in the Diabolical Divide. Should have listened to Piper, guys - she's smarter than the rest of you put together & she said left. Luckily, for all the fuss & 'OMG what if we end up in the divide?!' & dire warnings about what happened to a previous group of girls who used the ZipZap to escape a fire in the area & died in the Divide, it all proves to be no big deal. The quagmire they landed in tries to suck them down, & there are some fireballs shooting towards them, but they pull themselves out of the mud & dive back through the portal. It takes less than a page. Talk about an anti-climax.
So they go back in & take the left fork & land in a fountain in LaDorno. Sitting in the fountain, the girls wonder what they should do next & how they should get to their various homes. Then suddenly Ci~L swoops down on them, & they have to run for it. They escape down a manhole & run through the sewer. Piper has a good sense of direction so advises them which way to run (by amazing coincidence they exit the sewers at the exact spot Tookie was standing when she got picked for Modelland).
Bizarrely the streets seem to be totally deserted. Which is just as well, as Tookie is in her underwear. ManAttack competitors wear just their undies, see, & Tookie was too busy having a tantrum at Bravo to put anything on to model in ther than a bracelet, a crown & the SMIZE, & the SMIZE has fallen off, & presumably so has the crown, leaving her in a nude-coloured bra & knickers & a bracelet. And then of course the girls landed in mud in the Diabolical Divide before ending up in a fountain, so all of them are muddy & soaked.
Hang on though, there is one person! Yep, Crazy Tree Girl is here. She's been waiting here all these months for Tookie to come back, hiding in a bin. There's a brief & touching reunion before Lizzie sees Ci~L, freaks out & runs away. Tookie runs after her, but loses her. Then the other girls catch up in a bus, having persuaded the driver that they're in trouble & need a getaway vehicle. Unfortunately buses aren't designed to go at high speeds through city streets, & there's a crash. The girls wake up next to the totalled bus by the Obscure Obelisks, where they see Ci~L kneeling at the base, whipping herself with a reed & wailing how sorry she is. She starts yelling to the Obelisks how she'd told them that they were beautiful & worthy, & then yelling in the direction of Modelland that it killed them, & how she'd dug to find someone.
Tookie sits her down, & finally the truth comes out. Once upon a time, Ci~L had three friends - Hendal, Woodlyn, & Katherine. They didn't get to go to Modelland, but once Ci~L became an Intoxibella she got a flat in LaDorno & hung out with her BFFs & told them how Modelland's concept of beauty was dumb & they were totally worthy of being there whatever anyone said. One was voluptuous, one was pale, & one was short. I think you can see where this is going. They tried to make it to Modelland & perished in the Divide. Ci~L went in search of them & retrieved their bodies (2 of which were buried & needed to be dug up), then brought them back to LaDorno & buried them there, erecting the 3 Obelisks in their memory. Ci~L was angry at her friends' deaths, & rebelled, & that's why she's been getting punished. When she picked up Tookie to cart her off to Modelland, she saw how unusual-looking she was, & was inspired to get rid of the list she had been given, & picked contenders that reminded her of her dead friends instead to see if they really could make it in Modelland. See, Tookie? This is what Ci~L meant when she called Piper, Dylan & Shiraz her "experiments". That'll teach you for eavesdropping & developing theories based on a barely-understood conversation. But why was Tookie on the list (since we already know she was not meant to be)? Nope, Ci~L doesn't know that. So everything seems to be settled now, & Ci~L persuades them to come back to Modelland, & off they go.
They're back just in time for the grand 7Seven tournament, where the next 7 Intoxibellas will be selected. If the losers are lucky they may get to stay on at Modelland as Scouts/errand-runners, but everyone else has to go home in disgrace. All living Intoxibellas are required to attend, & dignitaries & contest winners are also among the audience. Luckily everyone is so busy with all the drama of the tournament they don't notice the state of the 4 girls. Since this probably won't work for too long, they stop by the dorm to change into their uniforms. They rush to the ceremony, but the doors are closed. What do?
And theeeeeen! A filthy, bedraggled creature that is not recognisable as human crawls over the wall & lands in front of them! It's Creamy with Myrracle right behind. She demands an immediate audience with the BellaDonna & to everyone's surprise, gets one. The BellaDonna is in the spa having some last minute primping done. She & Creamy have an argument, where it's clear they know each other & Tookie's selection for Modelland in Myrraclle's place is some sort of revenge deal by the BellaDonna. Tookie is frustrated at not knowing what is going on, & neither women seems inclined to fill her in. So she lures the two women down the corridor to the Flashback room, & the three of them wind up in there along with Ci~L & Persimmon.
I'm going to summarize this for the sake of coherence (& also LJ said the post was too damn long). It turns out Belladonna (real name: Ladonna - imaginative!), Creamy (Cremalatta Defacake) & Persimmon (nicknamed Percy) were all Bellas together. Ladonna is in love with Ray, a non-Modelland guy, which is against the rules. Creamy tries to seduce him behind Ladonna's back, but fails. Ladonna later becomes pregnant, but only realises when she goes into labour. Her mother bursts in (she's the BellaDonna herself as apparently the title is hereditory, which goes against everything mentioned about the job but w/e), having apparently known all along that her daughter was pregnant - but didn't think this would be vauable information to her daughter - & snatches the baby away. She dismisses Persimmon because she happens to be there & so it's somehow her fault, so Percy opts to be a Mennecant rather than leave. Ladonna gets to stay on as a Bella, but is distressed at not being able to see her baby (being raised by its dad) & persuades Creamy to accompany her on a sneaky visit, having assured her friend she can get the ageing effects reversed because Royalty. Cremalatta agrees & they clamber over the wall. Instantly they become old & wrinkly & hideous, & hasten though the Divide, apparently on foot. It took Creamy & Myrracle 6 months of trekking through wilderness to make their way to Modelland, but these two can get though quickly enough that they don't have to worry about making it back within 3 days.
It turns out the the guy is... Wingtip the hobo! Tookie realises this because in the flashback she see him placing the baby into a shoe for a cradle (Yes, a shoe. Has Tyra never seen a baby, that she thinks one will fit comfortably in a shoe?). Unphased that his girlfriend is now an old woman, he lets her in while Creamy is left outside. But when Ladonna leaves to get formula from the local shop, Creamy (who is hugely jealous of her friends & wants a bit of life-ruining) seizes her opportunity for another seduction attempt, even though she's now in her 60s & not exactly irresistible. He isn't interested, but when Ladonna walks in she gets the wrong idea, & Creamy lies & says he tried to seduce her. They're dragged off by Modelland security. Queen BellaDonna offers Ladonna a choice between leaving Modelland forever to live with Ray & her child, remaining aged, or stay at Modelland, have her youth restored, but never see Ray again or acknowledge the child. Convinced that he's cheated on her, she opts for the former, & instantly becomes young & beautiful again (though stuck with poor eyesight). She then demands Ray not have custody because fuck him that's why, & the child is taken away, & Ray dragged off by security. Creamy requests her youth be restored but is told to piss off (Queenie sees right through her), so snarls the truth of what happened. Ladonna pleads with her mother for a do-over but is denied.
Oh, but we have one last little revelation in this whole sorry saga! Ladonna, distraught, reaches out towards her baby, begging to at least be allowed to hold it one last time, & say goodbye to her darling little...
...
...
CI~L!
Now out of the flashback, an argument breaks out between... well everyone really. Creamy & BellaDonna start fighting & in the tussle, Creamy gets impaled on the spikes that BD's dress is studded with. Tookie desperately holds Creamy, overwhelmed by love for her & still not getting it. Of course what Creamy wants is for Tookie to hand Bellissima to her.
Security rushes in. Persimmon tells the chief it was deliberate attempted murder, & Tookie refuses to speak up in her defence because she doesn't trust the woman, & she'd hurt Creamy (who is totally trustworthy & has never done anything bad to Tookie or anyone). The BellaDonna is dragged off, the 7Seven tournament & T-DOD is postponed, & Modelland is closed down until further notice. The world goes mad. People commit suicide, factories creating fashion items shut down (no need to produce new wares - who would buy new stuff without new models?), riots break out, shops are looted. Modelling is srs business.
While the world goes to hell in a handcart, Tookie & Ci~L go to visit their mothers. now undergoing punishment in the dreaded Ugly Room. "The BellaDonna sat upright in a chair, dressed in a gray Ugly Room jumpsuit, similar to the one Ci~L had worn. Her body faced a wall of mirrors, which reflected not the lovely woman they had just seen in the flesh for the first time, but a pockmarked, scaly-skinned beast. She had entrails for hair, a twisted tree root for a nose, and millipedes for eyelashes. The BellaDonna writhed in pain at her hideous reflection, but she couldn’t turn away: a restraint around her head forced her to face forward. Her wrists and ankles were bound to the chair, which was bolted to the floor. Metal clamps held her eyes open, making blinking impossible. A saline stream dripped into her eyes from a clear bag above."
Creamy is lying on a cot hooked up to various medical equipment, with Bellissima next to her. The room has apparently decided that she's already ugly enough. Tookie is still showing her affection, even after all this. Does the girl never learn? Ci~L at least shows some anger to how she was treated by her mother, & BellaDonna manages to tear herself out of her punishment enough to explain that she regretted having to give Ci~L up, but how proud of her she was, & how she'd only been so hard with punishing her because she knew that Narzz would have Ci~L executed for what she had done & hoped to avoid that by trying to get her to reform. She also explains the reason behind Ci~L's name - see love. *gag* They embrace & make peace with each other.
Then security chief Narzz comes & drags Ci~L away. Tookie follows. She ends up before the Bored of Modelland (its board of directors, geddit?) for what seems to be a tribunal. O noes, what now?! Ta da! They're making her the new BellaDonna (it's a hereditary post, remember? And she's the former BellaDonna's only daughter!). As her first order, she gets Narzz to bow down & kiss Tookie's shoes for being such a big meanie to her.
And then after they've left the M building, Zarpessa comes up to Tookie to tell her she's found out that Tookie didn't tell people her secret when she went mad, & is sorry for being so horrible. Then Bravo shows up. He's planted a special garden with magic seeds that grow up instantly so they have a special place to kiss, which they then do after more slushy dialogue. Then he gets her to close her eyes, & squirts whipped cream into both their mouths before kissing her again. LOL WTF.
Then Tookie tops it all of by saying it was different to how she'd been kissed before, which confuses dear Bravo as Tookie had told him she'd never kissed before. She explains that, well yeah she hasn't really, but it's just that her mirror didn't have a tongue & so kissing like this feels weird. SHE ADMITTED THAT SHE'D PRACTISED KISSING ON A MIRROR & THAT KISSING AN ACTUAL PERSON FET WEIRD IN COMPARISON. Girl, I get being awkward, but some on. Bravo doesn't ditch her & run in the opposite direction. Instead he continues to kiss her, but with no tongue involved.
The book ends with Tookie just chilling, looking at the view from the M building (Ci~L the new Princess BellaDonna, has totally given her a special pass). She overhears a familiar voice screeching for the cats of Catwalk Corridor to leave her alone, & thus we find out where Myrracle has got to, Tyra having realised there are a few loose ends to tie up & that she really should shoehorn in a quick. She randomly considers how she totally learned from reading a medical dictionary that Metopic means “of or pertaining to the forehead” (Tyra has come up with s super clever name for Tyra's homeland & she's damned if she's going to pass up an opportunity to show how clever she is somewhere in the book, goddammit!). Piper, Dylan & Shiraz didn't show up at all after they got left outside the Flashback room. Tookie doesn't even mention offhandedly how they're doing.
Then Ci~L shows up to chat. She says something that reminds Tookie of Wingtip the hobo & Tookie considers how interesting it is that Ci~L should echo her father, yet doesn't think it might be nice to mention that HEY I'VE TOTALLY MET YOUR LONG LOST DAD & KNOW WHERE HE CAN BE FOUND & ALSO HE COULD PROBABLY DO WITH A BIT OF FINANCIAL HELP FROM HIS DAUGHTER. Ci~L asks Tookie if she wants to come with her on a little flying jaunt & Tookie accepts. (Worth pointing out at this stage that the world is still in chaos, as Ci~L new position hasn't been made public & nobody has said anything about how long Modelland will be on lockdown for & nobody knows what's going on except for a handful of people, so the uncertainty still persists. But hey, no biggie, right?) They fly off over the Diabolical Divide, then Ci~L gets the sensation that she's going to teleportal - sometimes she just gets these urges, you see. The universe tells her to teleportal & she just does, even though she doesn't know where it would take her. They find themselves zooming towards a cemetery in the Divide. As they head towards the ground, a hole opens them up & swallows them, & they disappear.
And then? Nope, that's it. You have to wait for the Next Book. *dramatic music*
As a bit of fun, here are some countries Tyra mentions in the book. See if you can guess what real world countries she based them on. (Hard mode: Without facepalming.)
Très Jolie
Gowdee
NorDenSwee
Cappuccina
TooLip
Fuji
Chakra
Icylann
Didgeridoo
Oktooberfest
If you still haven't had enough, I posted some quotes to my Tumblr as I was reading.