Stan Nicholls - Orcs
One of my recent resolutions was that I'd do something about the number of half read or unread books on my shelves, rather than buying more. It seemed a good idea at the time; literary hit while saving money, right?
Not so much. Cut for adult references.
I picked up Orcs by Stan Nicholls again, having bought it a couple of years ago, gotten about a third of tthe way through it and then abandoned to leave it languishing on my shelves. And for the life of me, I couldn't remember why.
Then I started reading, and by the time I hit the third chapter, I remembered.
The good guys in this book are reasonable - interesting characters, for all they aren't particularly orc like - even if I find the narrative a bit monotonous. But I can cope with that.
The setting is a cross between standard Dungeons and Dragons fantasy and the orcs as featured in the Dominic Deegan webcomic; not terribly original, but it's hard to get any fantasy these days that doesn't draw on something, so again, I can cope with that.
What I can't cope with? Is the main bad guy.
Of course, 'guy' is a misnomer here; the evil tyrant driving the plot along and sending people after our band of soliders* is in fact a female.
And a more cliched, ridiculous and frankly, insulting character, I've not seen.
It was so bad, I actually went back and reread the preceeding chapter, in case this entire thing was an exercise in satire that had managed to pass completely over my head, and therefore this was meant more as a commentary on female villans in fantasy (and how crap they invariably are) rather than an example of one.
No no, it would appear I had it right the first time.
Allow me to introduce Jennestra.
Just to lead in and set the tone here, the outfit she picks out to visit the dragonpens in - a dirty, farmyard environment - is thigh high leather boots with stiletto-esque heels, leather corset, and a bullwhip; one selected from her collection of many, might I add.
Say it with me now: WHAT?
[As a sidenote: please tell me why there aren't male equivalents to this? I mean not that I could take them seriously, but it would certainly be amusing to see a male villan visit his dairy shed clad in nothing more than ass-less chaps, baby oil, and brandishing an ambitiously sized dildo, which he could then shake it at his main cowherder in a suggestive manner to establish his dominance. I'd buy a book that featured that for the hell of it in fact. If nothing else, imagine the conversation in the barn when he's gone:
"Phew, that was close."
"Nah, you were fine."
"Are you kidding? Did you see that thing? He had it ready lubed!!"
"Listen, kid, unless he turns up with the double ender, you'll be ok."]
Oh, but it gets better; Jennestra's magical abilities are powered by sex.
But wait! There's more!
It's not just the sex that gives her power, it's that she has to kill them during it, rip out their heart, and eat it while it's still beating.
What she's apparently quite fond of is picking someone from one of the tribes who sees sex as bad (hello thar Christianity parallels) and then seducing them, and cleaving their chest open mid-coitus.
That's for the men, of course. The women that she uses get no such seduction techniques, and are merely screwed to death, courtesy of the unicorn horn she uses as a strap on.
Say with me again:WHAT?
Oh, and she keeps having to replace her servants, because she goes through them at such a rate. Which makes no sense on a practical level, really, because a good servant takes time to train - but that is really the least of what annoys me about them.
I'm sure it gets worse, but I couldn't read any further - sorry folks, I'm just not that self sacrificing.
Don't bother with this book. Seriously, honestly. I heard tell it was actually supposed to be part of a series; if this is the case, run, far far away.
*I find their alignment too questionable to be able to dub them 'heroes'.
Not so much. Cut for adult references.
I picked up Orcs by Stan Nicholls again, having bought it a couple of years ago, gotten about a third of tthe way through it and then abandoned to leave it languishing on my shelves. And for the life of me, I couldn't remember why.
Then I started reading, and by the time I hit the third chapter, I remembered.
The good guys in this book are reasonable - interesting characters, for all they aren't particularly orc like - even if I find the narrative a bit monotonous. But I can cope with that.
The setting is a cross between standard Dungeons and Dragons fantasy and the orcs as featured in the Dominic Deegan webcomic; not terribly original, but it's hard to get any fantasy these days that doesn't draw on something, so again, I can cope with that.
What I can't cope with? Is the main bad guy.
Of course, 'guy' is a misnomer here; the evil tyrant driving the plot along and sending people after our band of soliders* is in fact a female.
And a more cliched, ridiculous and frankly, insulting character, I've not seen.
It was so bad, I actually went back and reread the preceeding chapter, in case this entire thing was an exercise in satire that had managed to pass completely over my head, and therefore this was meant more as a commentary on female villans in fantasy (and how crap they invariably are) rather than an example of one.
No no, it would appear I had it right the first time.
Allow me to introduce Jennestra.
Just to lead in and set the tone here, the outfit she picks out to visit the dragonpens in - a dirty, farmyard environment - is thigh high leather boots with stiletto-esque heels, leather corset, and a bullwhip; one selected from her collection of many, might I add.
Say it with me now: WHAT?
[As a sidenote: please tell me why there aren't male equivalents to this? I mean not that I could take them seriously, but it would certainly be amusing to see a male villan visit his dairy shed clad in nothing more than ass-less chaps, baby oil, and brandishing an ambitiously sized dildo, which he could then shake it at his main cowherder in a suggestive manner to establish his dominance. I'd buy a book that featured that for the hell of it in fact. If nothing else, imagine the conversation in the barn when he's gone:
"Phew, that was close."
"Nah, you were fine."
"Are you kidding? Did you see that thing? He had it ready lubed!!"
"Listen, kid, unless he turns up with the double ender, you'll be ok."]
Oh, but it gets better; Jennestra's magical abilities are powered by sex.
But wait! There's more!
It's not just the sex that gives her power, it's that she has to kill them during it, rip out their heart, and eat it while it's still beating.
What she's apparently quite fond of is picking someone from one of the tribes who sees sex as bad (hello thar Christianity parallels) and then seducing them, and cleaving their chest open mid-coitus.
That's for the men, of course. The women that she uses get no such seduction techniques, and are merely screwed to death, courtesy of the unicorn horn she uses as a strap on.
Say with me again:WHAT?
Oh, and she keeps having to replace her servants, because she goes through them at such a rate. Which makes no sense on a practical level, really, because a good servant takes time to train - but that is really the least of what annoys me about them.
I'm sure it gets worse, but I couldn't read any further - sorry folks, I'm just not that self sacrificing.
Don't bother with this book. Seriously, honestly. I heard tell it was actually supposed to be part of a series; if this is the case, run, far far away.
*I find their alignment too questionable to be able to dub them 'heroes'.