Semi-regular Amazon.com Bestseller Round-up, with Running Commentary
greekhoop's recent post and the comments reminded me that it's time to check back with Amazon.com like I often do, to see what vast intellectual knowledge is being consumed everyday by readers just like us! In other words, I'm feeling quite masochistic again and am just in the mood for hating the world and fluctuating back and forth between worrying that the world is about to end, or maybe actually wanting it to for its own good. Here is, as of today, the top sellers on Amazon.com:
1) Decision Points, by George W. Bush
Not surprising, when I heard this book was coming out I knew it'd be a huge draw. Obama has been in office long enough to start blaming him for all of our economic woes and Bush has been out of office long enough for people to begin wondering again what was going through his mind. The Decider returns with Decision Points, a book I'll guess by its title is about making decisions, something Bush never really quite did and what Obama is currently getting a lot of sass for doing. To be fair, I've heard there's a passage where Bush gets all squeamish-stomached over the lack of WMDs in Iraq. To be realistic, I'm pretty sure that passage is followed up with justifications for that second war anyway.
2) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth, by Jeff Kinney
Ever since I've been doing this, there has ALWAYS been a Diary of a Wimpy Kid on the top seller list. I really do not know what gives, but I suspect child hypnosis. That, or young readers just don't have a Goosebumps, Animorphs, or Captain Underpants to read right now.
I'm going to be relatively neutral on this since I haven't read them myself, but books like The Invention of Hugo Cabret are going unloved right now.
3) Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption, by Laura Hillenbrand
"From Laura Hillenbrand, the bestselling author of Seabiscuit, comes Unbroken, the inspiring true story of a man who lived through a series of catastrophes almost too incredible to be believed. In evocative, immediate descriptions, Hillenbrand unfurls the story of Louie Zamperini--a juvenile delinquent-turned-Olympic runner-turned-Army hero."
In other words, another WWII book nostalgic for our heroic past when the average 'Merican went out and saved the world from those evil Japs and Krauts. That was back when Americans were so good, they had time to excel in a wide range of other incredible and amazing feats of character and strength, following of course being
"a hellraiser, stealing everything edible that he could carry, staging elaborate pranks, getting in fistfights, and bedeviling the local police."
Ooooohhh, those crazy Yanks! So individualistic and answerin' ter NOBODY! Until the call came out to protect the nation...
Look, WWII is incredibly important, but we're reading this because we want to remember the heroism of our past. The heroism created through the mental filter of forgetting how complicated and scary and fucked up the past was--just like today!
4) Life by Keith Richards, James Fox
A prerequisite to any best seller's list is some famous dude's memoirs. Eh, might as well be Keith Richards, I don't really care. Apparently the rest of the world does. For some reason.
5) Getting into the Vortex: Guided Meditation CD and User Guide by Esther and Jerry Hicks
*Snrrkk.* Another typical best seller is New Age bullshit. Here you have to (double checks) spend fifteen bucks for somebody to tell you how to focus your mind and escape the material world. One hint could be not browing Amazon.com, but that's another story. What really pisses me off about this stuff will be elaborated on later.
6) The Autobiography of Mark Twain, vol 1 by Mark Twain, Harriet E. Smith, Benjamin Griffin, Victor Fischer, Michael B. Frank, Sharon K. Goetz, Leslie Diane Myrick
No complaints there, but who the hell are these other people and why are they inundating Mark Twain's good (pen) name? Oh yeah, because everyone knows he's a genius, and the best way to seem like a genius is to have a foreward or an essay or something in Twain's own book explaining how much you understand him to be a genius. At any rate, though also technically fitting my description of #4 above, at least Mark Twain is a writer and not just some dude writing a "memoir".
7) The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson
No opinion. I've heard good things, I've heard bad things, so far this list is more neutral than usual (but it gets worse!)
8) Broke: The Plan to Restore Our Trust, Truth, and Treasure by Glenn Beck
Okay, so I've been doing these periodic checks for some time, and pretty much ever since Beck stuck his ugly nose out of whatever hellhole he came from, he's managed to be on this top list. So I am sort of ranted out, really, as concerns the guy. Obviously he sold his soul to the devil for a book deal and a television show, and I'm okay with that 'cause he can go to Hell. However, while we're at it, we might as well point out typical Political Literature Titling Fun:
A) Start the title with a short, typically monosyllable word, and make it as big as you can on the cover because nobody who publishes political books knows fuck-all about good graphic design.
B) Have some humor/wordplay in the title. In this case, alliteration.
C) Make sure that B also sort of sets you up to be a joke, like for snarky Internet rants to say things like, "Arrr, Glenn Beck be wanting his TREASURE!" (By the way, does this mean Beck is down with the Federal Reserve? Prob'ly not.)
D) Put self on cover, because you're ugly mug somehow represents 'Merica, instead of just... you.
That's all before opening the book. Hey, I am of the personal opinion that you can, ipso facto, judge a book by its cover. These political books are QED.
9) Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King
Ahhhhhhh that guy again. In acknowledgment of our wonderful community creator and moderator who I love and adore and would never disagree with, I plead the fifth.
(Don't hurt me!)
10) The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero, by Rick Riordan
Eh, fantasy, might as well. I think I see Riordan appear quite often on this list which means homeboy be gettin' some mad props by some community of fantasy readers or another, but I'm down as long as there's some Mark Twain represented on the top list.
11) The Confession: A Novel by John Grisham
Ugh, that guy again. Stopped reading him when I was fourteen. I guess I could say I feel happy for him that he's still alive. Despite the fact that he's not old, reading his books makes it feel like it takes decades. At the rate he publishes books, then, by any just universe he would have died after reading about seven of them.
12) Towers of Midnight by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson
Then there are those that keep publishing after they're already dead. I have to admit I'm not up on the story so far, wasn't the last one supposed to be the last one? Or, like, is this the actual last one referred to upon his death and the last post-humous one was one he actually completed? Or... oh fuck it, we all know they'll rape the damn series for all its worth, it wasn't like it was going anywhere after the third book anyway.
13) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart, David Javerbaum, Rory Albanese, Steve Bodow, Josh Lieb
I have no specific problem with this, but I'll get back to it in a little bit.
14) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
15) The Girl Who Played with Fire,
both Stieg Larsson
Meh. Theme of post-humousness in my rant? Sure, why not. "Gratuitous mention about how much easier it is to make movies and sell books when the original author is busy growing flowers out of wooden boxes, and I don't mean box gardens yuk yuk yuk."
16) Happy Ever After: Bride Quartet by Nora Roberts
BRIDE QUARTET? Ew!
Actually, it reminds me of this Newsweek article I read about how the institute of marriage is already bygone....
17) Cleopatra: A Life by Stacy Schiff
Okay, as of typing this sentence, I have not bothered to click on this link to learn more about what this book is supposed to be. Deep breath. Deep breath. Heregoes:
Oh. Wow. That's, uh... that's an overwhelming collection of positive review blurbs.
Alright, Schiff, you and your Guggenheim Fellowship, Pulitzer, and other awards have earned yourself the benefit of the doubt. But beware, my pessimism is watching you...
(Maybe I'm making this list out to be worse than it is? Bah, perspective is no fun when you're in the mood for being pissed).
Then again, it's called Cleopatra: A Life. As in, like, dudes, this book is about A LIFE. You know, LIFE? See Keith Richards, above. (Hint: real life is you currently reading this sentence. Amazingly literary subject worth talking about endlessly and philosophizing over, innit?!)
18) I Remember Nothing, and Other Reflections, by Nora Ephron.
If it doesn't feature Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, I really don't care what Nora Ephron thinks. That said, kudos for an adorably silly title.
19) Cutting for Stone (Vintage) by Abraham Verghese
Alright, clicky-poo...
"Lauded for his sensitive memoir (My Own Country) about his time as a doctor in eastern Tennessee at the onset of the AIDS epidemic in the 80s, Verghese turns his formidable talents to fiction, mining his own life and experiences in a magnificent, sweeping novel that moves from India to Ethiopia to an inner-city hospital in New York City over decades and generations. Sister Mary Joseph Praise, a devout young nun, leaves the south Indian state of Kerala in 1947 for a missionary post in Yemen. During the arduous sea voyage, she saves the life of an English doctor bound for Ethiopia, Thomas Stone, who becomes a key player in her destiny when they meet up again at Missing Hospital in Addis Ababa. Seven years later, Sister Praise dies birthing twin boys:..." yadda yadda yadda.
Alright, contemporary literary fiction. You know, the post-postmodern unironic globalized multigenerational 700 page epic that starts with a progenetor, and with no social Darwinism intended (I'm being serious here, do not read this last sentence as snark) follows the adventure of the family tree as their lives revolve around.... something, in this case medicine. Fair play, Amazon.com, fair play.
20) Pinheads and Patriots: Where You Stand in the Age of Obama, by Bill O'Reilly
Ha, the cover of this book totally follows my rant of above too! Anyway,
The cover shows Obama on, get it?, the left side, facing, are you ready for it? Billy O'Really-really on the right. See, because the President of the United States who puts forth policy and leadership and manages the Armed Forces and the Executive Branch and is still to some degree the most powerful person on the planet (yes, the same was true of George W. Bush, bear with me here) is to be held up against a man who writes rants longer than this one and actually publishes them, despite the fact they are also dumber and less researched (and guys, I'm pulling this this shit right out of my ass, I haven't read any of these books!). So I ask you, dear readers: WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?!
This is what I love the most about these characters. They do fuck all. I mean, they are still powerful, important people by sheer force of the fact that people actually buy into this shit, not only by paying money to read it (spoiler alert: could that possibly be the reason they really care so much?) but actually believing it. See, these are self-made blue collar men who come from humble backgrounds despite the fact they are given million dollar jobs where they essentially get to sit down and spout their opinions and don't do a damn thing about actually trying to fix anything. In other words, my friends, they are doing the exact same thing I am currently doing with all of you, except they are getting paid for it.
.... Oh fuck. I just realized. It's NaNoWriMo.
I should start writing this shit for real.
Unfortunately, I'm too busy holding pinheads accountable to be reading patriots, by which I mean I'm too busy being an actual patriot to read pinheads who think they're patriots.
But okay, so we're at the end of the list, and all told, not as bad as usual. You've got some real literary writing up there, you got unoffensive and harmless things mixed in with the usual schtick, the new kids on the block are alright. However, the list still is pretty much the same thing it always is:
Amongst a bunch of conservative writers making a bad name for conservatives by being total douchebags, you have memoirs, fantasy, and books currently being made into movies. In every case that I bother to do this, the only liberal writers making bad names for liberals are actually comedians who are aware that the act of doing that stuff makes you a total douchebag, meaning that people are either reading horrendously awful political literature--or reading parodies of horrendously awful political literature instead of the horrendously awful political "other side". This makes the horrendously awful political literature... one sided. The fact that horrendously awful political literature is horrendously awful is one thing. The fact that the only stuff competing against it is humor and escapism is downright terrifying.
This is also why, by the way, every time I do this there is some stupid New Age bullshit about meditation or the Law of Attraction or the power of positive thinking or whatever that may at one point in decades past have meant well, but nowadays smells suspiciously like yuppies sticking their heads in the sand and wishing it would all go away. Mix with nostalgic tales of the mythical WWII heroism, sappy romance escapism, and navel-gazing Boom Generation memoirs, and consumer-certified pop star authors, and yes, you get a pretty good idea of what the lowest common denominator of United States readership consists of: idiots who believe they know better, and idiots who are afraid to confront them.
Maybe that's why Diary of a Wimpy Kid is always so popular, as it is both childish and appeals to wimps.
Have a nice day!
--PolarisDiB
1) Decision Points, by George W. Bush
Not surprising, when I heard this book was coming out I knew it'd be a huge draw. Obama has been in office long enough to start blaming him for all of our economic woes and Bush has been out of office long enough for people to begin wondering again what was going through his mind. The Decider returns with Decision Points, a book I'll guess by its title is about making decisions, something Bush never really quite did and what Obama is currently getting a lot of sass for doing. To be fair, I've heard there's a passage where Bush gets all squeamish-stomached over the lack of WMDs in Iraq. To be realistic, I'm pretty sure that passage is followed up with justifications for that second war anyway.
2) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Ugly Truth, by Jeff Kinney
Ever since I've been doing this, there has ALWAYS been a Diary of a Wimpy Kid on the top seller list. I really do not know what gives, but I suspect child hypnosis. That, or young readers just don't have a Goosebumps, Animorphs, or Captain Underpants to read right now.
I'm going to be relatively neutral on this since I haven't read them myself, but books like The Invention of Hugo Cabret are going unloved right now.
3) Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption, by Laura Hillenbrand
"From Laura Hillenbrand, the bestselling author of Seabiscuit, comes Unbroken, the inspiring true story of a man who lived through a series of catastrophes almost too incredible to be believed. In evocative, immediate descriptions, Hillenbrand unfurls the story of Louie Zamperini--a juvenile delinquent-turned-Olympic runner-turned-Army hero."
In other words, another WWII book nostalgic for our heroic past when the average 'Merican went out and saved the world from those evil Japs and Krauts. That was back when Americans were so good, they had time to excel in a wide range of other incredible and amazing feats of character and strength, following of course being
"a hellraiser, stealing everything edible that he could carry, staging elaborate pranks, getting in fistfights, and bedeviling the local police."
Ooooohhh, those crazy Yanks! So individualistic and answerin' ter NOBODY! Until the call came out to protect the nation...
Look, WWII is incredibly important, but we're reading this because we want to remember the heroism of our past. The heroism created through the mental filter of forgetting how complicated and scary and fucked up the past was--just like today!
4) Life by Keith Richards, James Fox
A prerequisite to any best seller's list is some famous dude's memoirs. Eh, might as well be Keith Richards, I don't really care. Apparently the rest of the world does. For some reason.
5) Getting into the Vortex: Guided Meditation CD and User Guide by Esther and Jerry Hicks
*Snrrkk.* Another typical best seller is New Age bullshit. Here you have to (double checks) spend fifteen bucks for somebody to tell you how to focus your mind and escape the material world. One hint could be not browing Amazon.com, but that's another story. What really pisses me off about this stuff will be elaborated on later.
6) The Autobiography of Mark Twain, vol 1 by Mark Twain, Harriet E. Smith, Benjamin Griffin, Victor Fischer, Michael B. Frank, Sharon K. Goetz, Leslie Diane Myrick
No complaints there, but who the hell are these other people and why are they inundating Mark Twain's good (pen) name? Oh yeah, because everyone knows he's a genius, and the best way to seem like a genius is to have a foreward or an essay or something in Twain's own book explaining how much you understand him to be a genius. At any rate, though also technically fitting my description of #4 above, at least Mark Twain is a writer and not just some dude writing a "memoir".
7) The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson
No opinion. I've heard good things, I've heard bad things, so far this list is more neutral than usual (but it gets worse!)
8) Broke: The Plan to Restore Our Trust, Truth, and Treasure by Glenn Beck
Okay, so I've been doing these periodic checks for some time, and pretty much ever since Beck stuck his ugly nose out of whatever hellhole he came from, he's managed to be on this top list. So I am sort of ranted out, really, as concerns the guy. Obviously he sold his soul to the devil for a book deal and a television show, and I'm okay with that 'cause he can go to Hell. However, while we're at it, we might as well point out typical Political Literature Titling Fun:
A) Start the title with a short, typically monosyllable word, and make it as big as you can on the cover because nobody who publishes political books knows fuck-all about good graphic design.
B) Have some humor/wordplay in the title. In this case, alliteration.
C) Make sure that B also sort of sets you up to be a joke, like for snarky Internet rants to say things like, "Arrr, Glenn Beck be wanting his TREASURE!" (By the way, does this mean Beck is down with the Federal Reserve? Prob'ly not.)
D) Put self on cover, because you're ugly mug somehow represents 'Merica, instead of just... you.
That's all before opening the book. Hey, I am of the personal opinion that you can, ipso facto, judge a book by its cover. These political books are QED.
9) Full Dark, No Stars by Stephen King
Ahhhhhhh that guy again. In acknowledgment of our wonderful community creator and moderator who I love and adore and would never disagree with, I plead the fifth.
(Don't hurt me!)
10) The Heroes of Olympus, Book One: The Lost Hero, by Rick Riordan
Eh, fantasy, might as well. I think I see Riordan appear quite often on this list which means homeboy be gettin' some mad props by some community of fantasy readers or another, but I'm down as long as there's some Mark Twain represented on the top list.
11) The Confession: A Novel by John Grisham
Ugh, that guy again. Stopped reading him when I was fourteen. I guess I could say I feel happy for him that he's still alive. Despite the fact that he's not old, reading his books makes it feel like it takes decades. At the rate he publishes books, then, by any just universe he would have died after reading about seven of them.
12) Towers of Midnight by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson
Then there are those that keep publishing after they're already dead. I have to admit I'm not up on the story so far, wasn't the last one supposed to be the last one? Or, like, is this the actual last one referred to upon his death and the last post-humous one was one he actually completed? Or... oh fuck it, we all know they'll rape the damn series for all its worth, it wasn't like it was going anywhere after the third book anyway.
13) The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race by Jon Stewart, David Javerbaum, Rory Albanese, Steve Bodow, Josh Lieb
I have no specific problem with this, but I'll get back to it in a little bit.
14) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
15) The Girl Who Played with Fire,
both Stieg Larsson
Meh. Theme of post-humousness in my rant? Sure, why not. "Gratuitous mention about how much easier it is to make movies and sell books when the original author is busy growing flowers out of wooden boxes, and I don't mean box gardens yuk yuk yuk."
16) Happy Ever After: Bride Quartet by Nora Roberts
BRIDE QUARTET? Ew!
Actually, it reminds me of this Newsweek article I read about how the institute of marriage is already bygone....
17) Cleopatra: A Life by Stacy Schiff
Okay, as of typing this sentence, I have not bothered to click on this link to learn more about what this book is supposed to be. Deep breath. Deep breath. Heregoes:
Oh. Wow. That's, uh... that's an overwhelming collection of positive review blurbs.
Alright, Schiff, you and your Guggenheim Fellowship, Pulitzer, and other awards have earned yourself the benefit of the doubt. But beware, my pessimism is watching you...
(Maybe I'm making this list out to be worse than it is? Bah, perspective is no fun when you're in the mood for being pissed).
Then again, it's called Cleopatra: A Life. As in, like, dudes, this book is about A LIFE. You know, LIFE? See Keith Richards, above. (Hint: real life is you currently reading this sentence. Amazingly literary subject worth talking about endlessly and philosophizing over, innit?!)
18) I Remember Nothing, and Other Reflections, by Nora Ephron.
If it doesn't feature Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, I really don't care what Nora Ephron thinks. That said, kudos for an adorably silly title.
19) Cutting for Stone (Vintage) by Abraham Verghese
Alright, clicky-poo...
"Lauded for his sensitive memoir (My Own Country) about his time as a doctor in eastern Tennessee at the onset of the AIDS epidemic in the 80s, Verghese turns his formidable talents to fiction, mining his own life and experiences in a magnificent, sweeping novel that moves from India to Ethiopia to an inner-city hospital in New York City over decades and generations. Sister Mary Joseph Praise, a devout young nun, leaves the south Indian state of Kerala in 1947 for a missionary post in Yemen. During the arduous sea voyage, she saves the life of an English doctor bound for Ethiopia, Thomas Stone, who becomes a key player in her destiny when they meet up again at Missing Hospital in Addis Ababa. Seven years later, Sister Praise dies birthing twin boys:..." yadda yadda yadda.
Alright, contemporary literary fiction. You know, the post-postmodern unironic globalized multigenerational 700 page epic that starts with a progenetor, and with no social Darwinism intended (I'm being serious here, do not read this last sentence as snark) follows the adventure of the family tree as their lives revolve around.... something, in this case medicine. Fair play, Amazon.com, fair play.
20) Pinheads and Patriots: Where You Stand in the Age of Obama, by Bill O'Reilly
Ha, the cover of this book totally follows my rant of above too! Anyway,
The cover shows Obama on, get it?, the left side, facing, are you ready for it? Billy O'Really-really on the right. See, because the President of the United States who puts forth policy and leadership and manages the Armed Forces and the Executive Branch and is still to some degree the most powerful person on the planet (yes, the same was true of George W. Bush, bear with me here) is to be held up against a man who writes rants longer than this one and actually publishes them, despite the fact they are also dumber and less researched (and guys, I'm pulling this this shit right out of my ass, I haven't read any of these books!). So I ask you, dear readers: WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?!
This is what I love the most about these characters. They do fuck all. I mean, they are still powerful, important people by sheer force of the fact that people actually buy into this shit, not only by paying money to read it (spoiler alert: could that possibly be the reason they really care so much?) but actually believing it. See, these are self-made blue collar men who come from humble backgrounds despite the fact they are given million dollar jobs where they essentially get to sit down and spout their opinions and don't do a damn thing about actually trying to fix anything. In other words, my friends, they are doing the exact same thing I am currently doing with all of you, except they are getting paid for it.
.... Oh fuck. I just realized. It's NaNoWriMo.
I should start writing this shit for real.
Unfortunately, I'm too busy holding pinheads accountable to be reading patriots, by which I mean I'm too busy being an actual patriot to read pinheads who think they're patriots.
But okay, so we're at the end of the list, and all told, not as bad as usual. You've got some real literary writing up there, you got unoffensive and harmless things mixed in with the usual schtick, the new kids on the block are alright. However, the list still is pretty much the same thing it always is:
Amongst a bunch of conservative writers making a bad name for conservatives by being total douchebags, you have memoirs, fantasy, and books currently being made into movies. In every case that I bother to do this, the only liberal writers making bad names for liberals are actually comedians who are aware that the act of doing that stuff makes you a total douchebag, meaning that people are either reading horrendously awful political literature--or reading parodies of horrendously awful political literature instead of the horrendously awful political "other side". This makes the horrendously awful political literature... one sided. The fact that horrendously awful political literature is horrendously awful is one thing. The fact that the only stuff competing against it is humor and escapism is downright terrifying.
This is also why, by the way, every time I do this there is some stupid New Age bullshit about meditation or the Law of Attraction or the power of positive thinking or whatever that may at one point in decades past have meant well, but nowadays smells suspiciously like yuppies sticking their heads in the sand and wishing it would all go away. Mix with nostalgic tales of the mythical WWII heroism, sappy romance escapism, and navel-gazing Boom Generation memoirs, and consumer-certified pop star authors, and yes, you get a pretty good idea of what the lowest common denominator of United States readership consists of: idiots who believe they know better, and idiots who are afraid to confront them.
Maybe that's why Diary of a Wimpy Kid is always so popular, as it is both childish and appeals to wimps.
Have a nice day!
--PolarisDiB