The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid - B.B. Hiller (1984)
I keep coming across books that fail too much and consequently become thoroughly entertaining. Oh well.
This is, more or less, the best book ever written. I dare you to find a better book than B.B. Hiller's novelization of Columbia Pictures' classic movie The Karate Kid starring Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita. Dostoevsky, Flaubert, Hemingway, Swift--these and others like them can hang their heads in shame.
First I want to discuss this book's cover, by which you can judge the book itself. Look at it. How can this not be an excellent book? Look at Ralph Macchio's long, lizard-like neck and compare it to Mr. Miyagi's normal neck. Notice the quintessentially 80's tagline: "He taught him the secret to Karate lies in the mind and heart. Not in the hands." Remember when movies used to have dorky taglines like that? I remember Top Gun's was "Up there with the best of the best..." (ellipsis in original).
Again, since I judged this book by its cover, I was completely sold on it before I even cracked it open. Five stars. But I have to admit there is something lacking in this masterful, horrible novel. One thing a lot of movie novelizations do is add events and dialog that you don't see in the movies. I don't know if this is because the writer is working with an unfinished version of the movie script and scenes are cut after he's finished the book, or if he's just taking liberties and adding things in for the hell of it. For instance, I have a novelization of The Empire Strikes Back in which part of Luke's training on Dagobah is to use Yoda's pots and pans to fend off some kind of flying robot. Nothing like this happens in the movie, but the fact that it just got thrown into the novelization cracks me up for some reason. Unfortunately, this Karate Kid book has no such "deleted scenes." It almost makes up for it, though, by telling not only what Daniel-san is doing, but also what he is thinking, which is presumptuous and funny. Plus, a lot of the writing is uncomfortably awkward. Here is the scene in which Daniel-san first meets his girlfriend at the beach party:
There, sitting on the blanket, was the most gorgeous girl Daniel had ever seen in all of his fifteen-and-a-half years. She was a California girl--smooth blond hair, blue eyes, ski jump nose--and had a lot of curves in all the right places. Her white bikini showed off a summer's worth of beautiful tan.
Daniel was dumbstruck. The girl, aware of his interest, caught his eye and smiled. A grin broke out on Daniel's face. He took the soccer ball she offered him and did the only thing he could think of. He bounced it on his knee, to the other knee, to his head, to his instep, then up to his hand. Joe Cool. (12)
When I read that page, all I could say was YES. YES, YES, YES. BEST WRITING EVER. Who wouldn't want a girl with a "ski jump nose" and "a lot of curves in all the right places"? You know, some of those non-California girls have, like, trapezoids and rhombuses where there should be parabolas. Also, any piece of writing with "Joe Cool" awkwardly tacked on the end instantly wins: narratives, love letters, grocery lists, dissertations, peace treaties--literally, anything.
My next favorite part in the book is when Daniel takes the girl (Ali) on a date. Let me set the scene: Daniel has just suffered the embarrassment of having to help his mom push their car and pop the clutch to get the old clunker moving, and he fears Ali will think he's a doofus because of it. This is why I read bad writing; this is why bad writing is as much a pleasure to read as good writing.
"Guess we should have brought the Rolls, huh?" said his mother with a grin.
Daniel shot her a murderous look as they began to push. Within about twenty yards the engine caught. Ali moved over, and they jumped in. He was afraid of what Ali would think of them but it didn't seem to bother her at all. Ali and his mother were busily talking about Chinese food, which, it turned out, Ali really loved. The rest of the trip to Golf 'n' Stuff was uneventful.What a girl, Daniel thought as he and Ali walked through the parking lot where his mother had dropped them off.
Daniel had never seen anything like that amusement park. Golf 'n' Stuff was hardly descriptive of the range of activities. And there had been nothing like it in Newark.
The first thing that greeted them was the giant water slide, but that required bathing suits.
"I mean, it's one thing to take a shower fully clothed," Ali said, recalling the Halloween costume, "but to swim?!" They both laughed, and Daniel felt his tension melt away. He took Ali's hand and they headed for the ticket booth.
A wonderful two hours later, after Cokes and a stop at the video arcade, the trampoline, miniature golf course, bumper cars, and the photography booth, they walked, hand in hand, to the parking lot where Daniel's mother had said she would pick them up.
"Ali, you're a magician," Daniel said. "This is the best time I've had since I got to California."
"Then we should go for a repeat performance," she said, turning to him in the dim light.
"Definitely," he said, putting his arms around her waist. "Next time with bathing suits, on the gia-"
Daniel was interrupted by the blare of a horn. (75-76)
Again, all that can really be said is YES. Three points stand out. 1) I, too, would probably think "what a girl" if my date discussed Chinese food with my mom during an uneventful trip to a miniature golf course. 2) Golf 'n' Stuff was hardly descriptive of the range of activities. I can't really explain why, but this is probably my favorite sentence from any book, ever. 3) Ali, you're a magician. I think my own lack of success with women is a direct result of my not using this line.
Joe Cool.