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innerbrat has been waiting REALLY IMPATIENTLY for me to get to writing up this set of episodes so we can rant about the WORST DEEP SPACE NINE EPISODE EVER.
So here it is, folks: the set of writeups that includes the worst Deep Space Nine episode ever,
15. Sons of Mogh
This is the episode in which we ONCE AGAIN MARVEL at Bashir's UTTER LACK OF MEDICAL ETHICS. OK, the episode isn't about Bashir at all, it's about Worf's brother turning up on the station and demanding that Worf murder him FOR HONOR after screwing up their family's Klingon Empire status, and Sisko's like "nobody's murdering anyone for honor on MY station and I do not CARE about your 'cultural beliefs,'" and finally Worf decides to fix the situation by ... erasing his brothers memory (without consent, so far as we can tell) and giving him to a new family ...?
Like, OK. We don't actually blame Worf for this, because his brother did ask Worf to kill him, and by completely wiping his memory and personality that is pretty much essentially what Worf did, in a way that wouldn't get blood on Federation carpets. As far as we know this is totally not unethical in Klingon terms. The other two people involved here are Dax and Bashir, which is no surprise because Dax's ethics are as flexible as a boa constrictor and Bashir will basically do ANY KIND OF DOCTORING for the lulz, like, consent forms, what consent forms, who needs them! (Can you imagine Sisko's face if he found out about this genius plan? Go on, try. It's hilarious.)
There's also a B-plot in which O'Brien and Kira come back from a field trip and find some Klingon mines, which is clearly very restful for Kira because when she's on a field trip with O'Brien absolutely no relevant conversation is required, and she gets to have a nice long nap.
16. Bar Association
NEWSIES ON A SPACE STATION!!! This is the one where Rom and the rest of Quark's employees decide to form a UNION in order to get better treatment from Quark. Needless to say, I loved it, mostly because I got to sing 'THE WORLD WILL KNOW' very loudly at Debi every time there was a momentary pause in the dramatic speeches. Or ... when there wasn't a pause in the dramatic speeches. I really like Newsies, OK? The B-plot is also great, since it's pretty much just Worf storming around the station being cranky and hating everyone, ugh, PEOPLE, THE WORST.
17. Accession
I don't think I'm every going to get tired of Sisko's OVERWHELMING JUDGINESS.
SISKO: Ugh, I hate being a Bajoran religious figure and having to take time off from my job all the time to preside over weddings and Bajoran Bar Mitzvahs, it's the WORST.
BAJORAN ACCIDENTAL TIME TRAVELER: Worry not! I'm a famous Bajoran poet and I just spent 150 years in the wormhole, and I am totally the Emissary, so you can retire now. :D
SISKO: Great!
BAJORAN ACCIDENTAL TIME TRAVELER: Aaand as the Emissary, I think the Federation sucks ....
SISKO: .....
BAJORAN ACCIDENTAL TIME TRAVELER: ...and Bajor should return to the caste system that it had a hundred years ago that has never been mentioned until now.
SISKO: ...............
BAJORAN ACCIDENTAL TIME TRAVELER: Look, what's all this judginess, I thought you hated being the Emissary.
SISKO: I did, until I saw how much you SUCKED AT IT.
BAJORAN ACCIDENTAL TIME TRAVELER: Wanna make something of it?
SISKO: Yes! I challenge you to an Emissary-off! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, where by 'here' I mean in the wormhole with the wormhole aliens, who love me, and also love being judgy. Wormhole aliens, this dude wants to return Bajor to a caste system, which is MORALLY WRONG!
WORMHOLE ALIENS: Well, we love Sisko, and if he says this caste system thing is for losers then it sounds like it's pretty much for losers.
SISKO: Suck on that.
BAJORAN ACCIDENTAL TIME TRAVELER: ....enjoy the next thirty years of Bajoran Bar Mitzvahs, man.
And, I mean, on the one hand, I am pretty dubious about the sudden appearance of a caste system in Bajor's history just so that it can resurface and everyone can be really morally judgy about it? (Though I would have loved it if it had been something briefly mentioned as a worldbuilding fact that never came up again.) ON THE OTHER HAND .... comical scenes of Kira attempting to fulfill her artist-caste destiny trying to do kindergarten art projects, and failing at them. COMICAL SCENES OF KIRA FAILING AT ART. I'm sorry, I'm easy.
18. Rules of Engagement
Another Serious Worf Episode! But one that ends with fewer screaming ethical issues than Sons of Mogh, so. This is the one where a savvy Klingon lawyer turns up and tries to cause an international incident by accusing Worf of accidentally-on-purpose destroying a Klingon transport ship (with KLINGON CHILDREN on it!!!) As courtroom drama goes, it's better than any of the other courtroom drama episodes this show has had so far, anyway. Also, it involves really dramatic diplomacy, and Sisko LOVES dramatic diplomacy ... so much ...
19. Hard Time
OK, guys, this is it. We got here. This is THE WORST DEEP SPACE NINE EPISODE SO FAR.
So the plot of this episode is that O'Brien got falsely accused of a crime and spends a subjective twenty years in TERRIBLE PRISON in the course of an afternoon, because alien technology can do that. Then he comes home and has terrible PTSD for the rest of the episode, then a heartwarming speech from Bashir, of all people, fixes him, and then he's BASICALLY FINE.
As storytelling, this is HIDEOUSLY IRRESPONSIBLE. It's basically just torturing a character for no point; also, it's grim and boring to watch; also, it's a terrible treatment of PTSD; also, like, if you have sufficiently advanced technology that you can make people spend twenty subjective years in prison, why make it pointlessly awful prison? Why not actually make it rehabilitative? BECAUSE THE POINT OF THIS EPISODE IS TO MAKE O'BRIEN SUFFER POINTLESSLY, that is why. For the course of forty minutes. After which he'll be fine.
(Apparently the writers of the Deep Space Nine team like to make O'Brien suffer on a regular basis because they expect the viewers identify with him most, which is also really annoying, because, like, that is writing for a real specific audience, guys, O'Brien is NOT my everyman, because, like many people watching your show, I am not in fact a middle-aged white dude.)
So we were angry watching this episode, and then we were even more annoyed because we couldn't find it on any worst-of lists. Instead everyone lists the one where they all get trapped in a board game. Listen: a.) that episode is a hilarious treasure and b.) even if it weren't, I would watch it over this one ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
20. Shattered Mirror
...but then everything is better because we got a Mirrorverse episode, although it is not the greatest of all Mirrorverse episodes. Mirror Jennifer comes through the wormhole and appeals to all of Jake's mommy issues in order to get him and Sisko through to help them with some kind of convoluted Mirrorverse plot; sarcastic amoral Mirror O'Brien is SO MUCH BETTER than regular O'Brien, a point which we might have dwelled on a little longer than necessary given the terribleness of the previous episode; evil Nog is fabulously evil; Kira continues to hit on everything in sight; and Garak hilariously tries to seduce Worf, which would make this episode worth it even if everything else had been terrible. AMAZING. Politically speaking I probably shouldn't love the Mirrorverse's commitment to making all the bad guys an evil polyamorous blob as much as I do, but ... it's hilarious ...
21. The Muse
Plot 1: Odo and Lwaxana Troi have to get FAKE MARRIED for REASONS. And Odo has FEELINGS and super wants to adopt Lwaxana's baby and be a dad and actually, OK, this is pretty cute, in a totally-fanfic sort of way. Deanna probably should have shown up to her mom's wedding, though.
Plot 2: a creepy older alien lady psychic vampire hits on Jake Sisko in order to steal his writing juices???? I need help reacting to this.
The creepy alien psychic lady also apparently inspired Keats. We have decided that this is probably the famous Klingon poet Keats, Son of Togh.
22. For the Cause
Probably my favorite of the bunch! (Except maybe the Newsies episode.) Sisko's girlfriend Kasidy turns out to be smuggling medical supplies to the Maquis, and it's EVERYTHING I WANT about lovers-on-opposite-sides-of-a-conflict and DUTY and IDEALS and ATTEMPTS AT STEALTH and FRAUGHT EXCHANGES ABOUT RUNNING AWAY TOGETHER WHICH THEY TOTALLY CAN'T DO, SEE ABOVE RE: DUTY AND IDEALS.
I was spoiled for Eddington turning out to be Maquis (which is also GREAT, we still love Eddington so much, and honestly we should have been prepped when he said he came to the station to make friends because EVERY TIME a friend turns up on DS9 from somewhere else they turn out to be Maquis) but I didn't know it would be this episode, and I had NO IDEA about Kasidy's smuggling or that she would end up in prison (I saw a sixth-season episode once in which she was around!), so the whole Kasidy/Sisko plot turned out to be a wonderful tragic id-candy surprise present for me.
...the Garak/Ziyal subplot not quite so much, but on the other hand, it did give us a scene with Garak tailoring one of Quark's amazing suits, which was everything that is beautiful.
Almost done season four! The rest of the episode titles for this season are SUPER DRAMATIC, I'm looking forward to them.
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