(no subject)
So I got my hands on Mary Brown's Pigs Don't Fly, and promptly stayed up way too late last night reading it in horrified fascination. I remembered how weird it was! I had forgotten how TERRIBLE it was. Like, not just the awful fat-shaming -- I remembered that -- and the ablism -- which I had forgotten about but promptly remembered again -- but so much misogyny! SO MUCH! Literally EVERY OTHER woman who is not our heroine is a terrible person. (Spoiler alert: it turns out that our heroine is possibly also a terrible person, although I'm not sure Mary Brown realizes this.)
Well, except the secret princess horse. The secret princess horse is fine.
So our book begins with Summer, daughter of the town whore. Summer loves her mom, but we are already given enough textual clues to understand that her mother is TERRIBLE, because every not-Summer woman in the book is TERRIBLE.
Summer, however, thinks SHE is the one who is terrible, because she is fat.
Anyway, Summer's mom dies, leaving her only a little bit of money and a magic ring that lets her talk to animals. Summer promptly sets out on a journey and collects a menagerie who want to travel with her and find their homes:
GROWCH THE MANGY DOG, who talks with a horrible in-text Cockney accent and makes misogynistic jokes
MISTRAL THE HORSE, who is secretly a HORSE PRINCESS
TRAVELER THE MESSENGER PIGEON, who is carrying a ROMANTIC MESSAGE to . . . somewhere
BASHER THE TORTOISE, whose defining characteristic is that he is a SEX GOD AMONG TORTOISES
THE WIMPERLING, a know-it-all pig with wings
Summer also collects a human companion, who also needs to find his home!
SUMMER: YESSSSS omg a HOT AMNESIAC BLND KNIGHT! PERFECT! He is so HOT and HELPLESS and he will depend on me totally for EVERYTHING and I can look at his beautiful face EVERY DAY and give him SPONGE BATHS and he will never know I am a FAT MONSTER
GILL THE HOT BLIND AMNESIAC KNIGHT: ugh why am I traveling with PEASANTS. Summer, spend more of your money on food and wine!
SUMMER: . . . okay, so he is kind of a whiny hot amnesiac blind knight. But what does it matter as long as he's decorative, amirite?
There is also a lot of text space dedicated to Summer's enjoyment of washing ALL of him, including his MOST PRIVATE PARTS and, like, oh, Summer, NO. Summer, that is not consent! (I thought this was bad, but the consent issues down below are going to get way worse.)
Summer & Co. bop around having all kinds of adventures, most of which go like this:
SUMMER: Hey, an obviously evil castle! Let's stop here!
THE WIMPERLING: I have a bad feeling about this obviously evil castle and I think we should go.
SUMMER: Nah, we're totally fine. Gill, are we fine?
GILL: What a nice luxurious castle, we're totally fine!
A MENACE: OMG I am going to KILLLLL you ALLLLLL.
THE WIMPERLING: Told you so.
SUMMER: Wimperling, I will never doubt you again!
[rinse, repeat]
Special mention goes to the castle of the EVIL BORED LADY who wants to keep them there forever and spends all her onscreen time shrieking things like "What matter YOUR little wishes?! YOUR little lives?! All that matters here is what I WANT!"
Summer escapes from this one by riding away on the back of the Wimperling, who has learned how to fly by farting, and muses on how important her weird pig friend has come to be to her.
Anyway, then they start delivering people home! The pigeon goes to his owner, who is a pretty woman and therefore of course turns out to be a PIGEON-MURDERING MONSTER that they have to rescue him from again; the tortoise runs off as soon as the prospect of tortoise sex rears its tortoise head; Mistral the PRINCESS HORSE finds her HORSE PEOPLE; and Gill eventually regains his memory and his sight by a magic blow to the head and goes home to his fiancee . . . who is, of course, TERRIBLE.
GILL: omg Summer! Summer! I never realized until I had a.) my sight and b.) my terrible fiancee to compare you to, but you're SUPER HOT!
SUMMER: No I am not, I am a FAT MONSTER.
GILL: idk what you're talking about but SUMMER I LOVE YOU. LET'S RUN AWAY TOGETHER.
SUMMER: I have dreamed of this during all the times I was giving you sponge baths and gazing on your decorative face! . . . but man, now I have to face the prospect of dealing with your whining for the rest of my life, it somehow seems less appealing than it used to.
THE WIMPERLING: Not that I have an ulterior motive or anything, but I'm pretty sure your feelings for Gill are just infatuation and not REAL LOVE. Think twice before opening your legs, is what I am saying.
SUMMER: Pig friend! You're so wise!
BECCA: . . . PIG FRIEND, you are SO SKETCHY.
Anyway, while Summer is trying to figure out what to do about the Gill thing, she overhears a conversation between his dad and his terrible fiancee!
GILL'S TERRIBLE FIANCEE: So you should know, I'm pregnant, and it's yours.
GILL'S DAD: Are you sure? Given that we all know you're a slutty whore, haha!
GILL'S TERRIBLE FIANCEE: Haha, touche! Okay, but here's what I'm going to do: I will drug your son, date-rape him, make sure EVERYONE KNOWS we did the sex, and get married ASAP before he can figure out the baby's not his!
SUMMER: Well THANK GOD, that solves all my problems! I will just let the drugging and the date rape progress as planned and Gill will be married in like two days without me having to break up with him. :D
BECCA: WHAT. SUMMER. NO. NO, SUMMER. NO.
THE WIMPERLING: What a great idea, Summer! But let's run away fast, because Gill's terrible fiancee will probably still try to kill you. Out of jealousy. Because women are jealous and terrible.
BECCA: WHAT. MARY BROWN. NO. NO, MARY BROWN. NO.
SO THAT'S WHAT THEY DO, leaving Summer with only a misogynistic dog and a pig-dragon left for companionship on her journey!
THE WIMPERLING: It is time for me to finish my mysterious journey! But before we do, I want you to know: Summer, you are smoking hot. Because . . . you LOST ALL YOUR WEIGHT on the journey!
SUMMER: What?
THE WIMPERLING: Yes, it's true! You are no longer a fat monster, but the skinny beautiful thing you were always meant to be, if your TERRIBLE MOTHER hadn't STUFFED YOU WITH FOOD out of JEALOUSY FOR YOUR BEAUTY so that NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE YOU!
SUMMER: Oh, golly! Now I understand everything!
BECCA: *bangs head gently against the wall*
SUMMER: But wait, how do you know all this, pig friend?
WIMPERLING: Oh, didn't I mention, I can casually read your mind?
BECCA: AGGGGGGH.
Then Summer and the dog fall asleep and wake up four days later.
THE WIMPERLING: Oh, I just figured it would be easier to drug you to sleep over the time-skip.
SUMMER: Oh, okay!
BECCA: @____@
THE WIMPERLING: Anyway, now I must complete my final transformation! You must . . . KILL ME!
SUMMER: Nooooo! Pig friend! I can't kill you! Instead I will . . . kiss you!
Bang, crash, the lightning flashes, and instead of a pig friend, Summer has . . . a dragon! After some initial confusion in which Summer assumes the dragon has EATEN the pig, it is ascertained that, yes, the pig was really a dragon all along. But not only that, because Summer kissed it while a pig, the dragon can turn for short periods of time into . . . A REALLY HOT DUDE.
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: So, Summer, thank you so much for all your help in regaining my true dragon self! Um, less thanks for kissing me though, I would have preferred not to have a human shape or human feeeelings. Now I shall be off to find my true destiny in the exotic Somewhere Else.
SUMMER: Wait! Darling! You can't leave! Let's make out!
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: . . . 'kay.
SUMMER: YESSSS excellent -- OH WAIT WHAT WHY IS THERE A DRAGON ON TOP OF ME. WHAT. WHOA. DID NOT SIGN ON FOR THIS.
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: . . . so I guess it turns out that I can't stay in human form that long! Too bad, Summer, even though you are hot now but it will never work between us.
SUMMER: But -- but --
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: Love 'em and leave 'em, its the dragon way! Bye, baby! Have a nice life!
OFF GOES THE DRAGON, leaving a very confused and sore Summer.
GROWCH THE MISOGYNISTIC DOG: Hey kiddo, why'd you dump the hot knight if you were just going to do the nasty with the first pig-dragon you came across?
SUMMER: Wait! That was sex?! I thought we were just making out! SHIT.
And so we end on a CLIFFHANGER, as Summer decides to set out in search of her creepy pig-dragon boyfriend. And, God help me, there is a part of me that wants to go find the sequel, Master of Many Treasures, just to see if it can possibly get worse.
This entry is cross-posted at Livejournal from http://skygiants.dreamwidth.org/337382.html. Please feel free to comment here or there! There are currently
comments on Dreamwidth.
Well, except the secret princess horse. The secret princess horse is fine.
So our book begins with Summer, daughter of the town whore. Summer loves her mom, but we are already given enough textual clues to understand that her mother is TERRIBLE, because every not-Summer woman in the book is TERRIBLE.
Summer, however, thinks SHE is the one who is terrible, because she is fat.
Anyway, Summer's mom dies, leaving her only a little bit of money and a magic ring that lets her talk to animals. Summer promptly sets out on a journey and collects a menagerie who want to travel with her and find their homes:
GROWCH THE MANGY DOG, who talks with a horrible in-text Cockney accent and makes misogynistic jokes
MISTRAL THE HORSE, who is secretly a HORSE PRINCESS
TRAVELER THE MESSENGER PIGEON, who is carrying a ROMANTIC MESSAGE to . . . somewhere
BASHER THE TORTOISE, whose defining characteristic is that he is a SEX GOD AMONG TORTOISES
THE WIMPERLING, a know-it-all pig with wings
Summer also collects a human companion, who also needs to find his home!
SUMMER: YESSSSS omg a HOT AMNESIAC BLND KNIGHT! PERFECT! He is so HOT and HELPLESS and he will depend on me totally for EVERYTHING and I can look at his beautiful face EVERY DAY and give him SPONGE BATHS and he will never know I am a FAT MONSTER
GILL THE HOT BLIND AMNESIAC KNIGHT: ugh why am I traveling with PEASANTS. Summer, spend more of your money on food and wine!
SUMMER: . . . okay, so he is kind of a whiny hot amnesiac blind knight. But what does it matter as long as he's decorative, amirite?
There is also a lot of text space dedicated to Summer's enjoyment of washing ALL of him, including his MOST PRIVATE PARTS and, like, oh, Summer, NO. Summer, that is not consent! (I thought this was bad, but the consent issues down below are going to get way worse.)
Summer & Co. bop around having all kinds of adventures, most of which go like this:
SUMMER: Hey, an obviously evil castle! Let's stop here!
THE WIMPERLING: I have a bad feeling about this obviously evil castle and I think we should go.
SUMMER: Nah, we're totally fine. Gill, are we fine?
GILL: What a nice luxurious castle, we're totally fine!
A MENACE: OMG I am going to KILLLLL you ALLLLLL.
THE WIMPERLING: Told you so.
SUMMER: Wimperling, I will never doubt you again!
[rinse, repeat]
Special mention goes to the castle of the EVIL BORED LADY who wants to keep them there forever and spends all her onscreen time shrieking things like "What matter YOUR little wishes?! YOUR little lives?! All that matters here is what I WANT!"
Summer escapes from this one by riding away on the back of the Wimperling, who has learned how to fly by farting, and muses on how important her weird pig friend has come to be to her.
Anyway, then they start delivering people home! The pigeon goes to his owner, who is a pretty woman and therefore of course turns out to be a PIGEON-MURDERING MONSTER that they have to rescue him from again; the tortoise runs off as soon as the prospect of tortoise sex rears its tortoise head; Mistral the PRINCESS HORSE finds her HORSE PEOPLE; and Gill eventually regains his memory and his sight by a magic blow to the head and goes home to his fiancee . . . who is, of course, TERRIBLE.
GILL: omg Summer! Summer! I never realized until I had a.) my sight and b.) my terrible fiancee to compare you to, but you're SUPER HOT!
SUMMER: No I am not, I am a FAT MONSTER.
GILL: idk what you're talking about but SUMMER I LOVE YOU. LET'S RUN AWAY TOGETHER.
SUMMER: I have dreamed of this during all the times I was giving you sponge baths and gazing on your decorative face! . . . but man, now I have to face the prospect of dealing with your whining for the rest of my life, it somehow seems less appealing than it used to.
THE WIMPERLING: Not that I have an ulterior motive or anything, but I'm pretty sure your feelings for Gill are just infatuation and not REAL LOVE. Think twice before opening your legs, is what I am saying.
SUMMER: Pig friend! You're so wise!
BECCA: . . . PIG FRIEND, you are SO SKETCHY.
Anyway, while Summer is trying to figure out what to do about the Gill thing, she overhears a conversation between his dad and his terrible fiancee!
GILL'S TERRIBLE FIANCEE: So you should know, I'm pregnant, and it's yours.
GILL'S DAD: Are you sure? Given that we all know you're a slutty whore, haha!
GILL'S TERRIBLE FIANCEE: Haha, touche! Okay, but here's what I'm going to do: I will drug your son, date-rape him, make sure EVERYONE KNOWS we did the sex, and get married ASAP before he can figure out the baby's not his!
SUMMER: Well THANK GOD, that solves all my problems! I will just let the drugging and the date rape progress as planned and Gill will be married in like two days without me having to break up with him. :D
BECCA: WHAT. SUMMER. NO. NO, SUMMER. NO.
THE WIMPERLING: What a great idea, Summer! But let's run away fast, because Gill's terrible fiancee will probably still try to kill you. Out of jealousy. Because women are jealous and terrible.
BECCA: WHAT. MARY BROWN. NO. NO, MARY BROWN. NO.
SO THAT'S WHAT THEY DO, leaving Summer with only a misogynistic dog and a pig-dragon left for companionship on her journey!
THE WIMPERLING: It is time for me to finish my mysterious journey! But before we do, I want you to know: Summer, you are smoking hot. Because . . . you LOST ALL YOUR WEIGHT on the journey!
SUMMER: What?
THE WIMPERLING: Yes, it's true! You are no longer a fat monster, but the skinny beautiful thing you were always meant to be, if your TERRIBLE MOTHER hadn't STUFFED YOU WITH FOOD out of JEALOUSY FOR YOUR BEAUTY so that NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE YOU!
SUMMER: Oh, golly! Now I understand everything!
BECCA: *bangs head gently against the wall*
SUMMER: But wait, how do you know all this, pig friend?
WIMPERLING: Oh, didn't I mention, I can casually read your mind?
BECCA: AGGGGGGH.
Then Summer and the dog fall asleep and wake up four days later.
THE WIMPERLING: Oh, I just figured it would be easier to drug you to sleep over the time-skip.
SUMMER: Oh, okay!
BECCA: @____@
THE WIMPERLING: Anyway, now I must complete my final transformation! You must . . . KILL ME!
SUMMER: Nooooo! Pig friend! I can't kill you! Instead I will . . . kiss you!
Bang, crash, the lightning flashes, and instead of a pig friend, Summer has . . . a dragon! After some initial confusion in which Summer assumes the dragon has EATEN the pig, it is ascertained that, yes, the pig was really a dragon all along. But not only that, because Summer kissed it while a pig, the dragon can turn for short periods of time into . . . A REALLY HOT DUDE.
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: So, Summer, thank you so much for all your help in regaining my true dragon self! Um, less thanks for kissing me though, I would have preferred not to have a human shape or human feeeelings. Now I shall be off to find my true destiny in the exotic Somewhere Else.
SUMMER: Wait! Darling! You can't leave! Let's make out!
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: . . . 'kay.
SUMMER: YESSSS excellent -- OH WAIT WHAT WHY IS THERE A DRAGON ON TOP OF ME. WHAT. WHOA. DID NOT SIGN ON FOR THIS.
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: . . . so I guess it turns out that I can't stay in human form that long! Too bad, Summer, even though you are hot now but it will never work between us.
SUMMER: But -- but --
THE FORMER WIMPERLING: Love 'em and leave 'em, its the dragon way! Bye, baby! Have a nice life!
OFF GOES THE DRAGON, leaving a very confused and sore Summer.
GROWCH THE MISOGYNISTIC DOG: Hey kiddo, why'd you dump the hot knight if you were just going to do the nasty with the first pig-dragon you came across?
SUMMER: Wait! That was sex?! I thought we were just making out! SHIT.
And so we end on a CLIFFHANGER, as Summer decides to set out in search of her creepy pig-dragon boyfriend. And, God help me, there is a part of me that wants to go find the sequel, Master of Many Treasures, just to see if it can possibly get worse.
This entry is cross-posted at Livejournal from http://skygiants.dreamwidth.org/337382.html. Please feel free to comment here or there! There are currently
comments on Dreamwidth.