Three R/S drabbles
An utterly cracktastic Remus/Sirius drabble written for kellygreen.
Remus stared disconsolately at Lily.
“It’s not that bad, Remus, really,” Lily tried, smiling at him over the rim of her tea cup.
“Not that bad? Not that bad?” Remus groaned, slouching in his three-legged chair, causing the chair to groan as well as Remus’s weight unsettled the magic keeping it upright.
“Many people have a chocolate addiction,” Lily continued. “Ever since I got pregnant I haven’t been able to quit eating the stuff myself.”
“Yes, but that’s perfectly normal. What is not normal is for a fully grown werewolf to gain fifteen pounds from chocolate in two months!”
“Are you sure you’re not overreacting?”
“Yes,” Remus said, emphatic. “And it’s all Sirius’s fault.”
“It usually is,” Lily replied absently.
“And not only that,” Remus continued, gaining confidence as the idea percolated in his mind, “it will also be Sirius’s fault when he leaves me because he finds my once-lithe body too hideous to touch. And then what will he do when he kicks me out and I take my furniture from our flat?” Remus’s chair groaned again.
“I’ve no idea,” Lily said wryly.
“If he hadn’t insisted on giving me chocolate all the time-- nice chocolates, Honeyduke’s finest, he knows I can’t resist those cream-filled ones-and now look, I’ve got a bloody addiction to them and my trousers don’t fit anymore, and even though Sirius tends to be ridiculously oblivious even he is bound to notice soon and-”
“Remus,” Lily interrupted, “calm down. You can fix this.”
“How?” Remus asked, desperate.
“Don’t you remember James in fifth year? Do you think I would have gone off and married him if I hadn’t been able to make him behave?”
Remus furrowed his brows and thought back to the James he knew from Hogwarts, pre-Lily. Or at least, pre-dating Lily, which brought him back to the stalking-Lily days. Yes, Remus thought, nodding his head. He did remember. Pity that.
“But how will that help me and Sirius?” Remus asked, feeling sulky because he did not think rejecting Sirius repeatedly-and in public-would help anything.
“The key,” Lily said, vanishing the chocolate wrappers from the table with a flick of her wand, “is to train him.” She gave Remus a wicked grin and settled back into her chair, running her hand over the barely-there bulge in her belly that was only slightly bigger than Remus’s.
And that’s how the whole thing began.
*
“Morning, love!” Sirius chirped, kissing Remus on the cheek and settling into the chair next to him. Sirius hadn’t returned home from Auror training until after Remus was already asleep, so Remus had made sure to get up early to make him eggs and toast.
And to give him the newspaper, of course.
“Ah, the Chudley Cannons have lost again,” Sirius said, flipping through the sports section that Remus had conveniently left on top. “Can’t be too surprised, though, considering they played against the Harpies-oh!”
Remus knocked Sirius onto the kitchen floor (which wasn’t very hard, considering Sirius had been occupying the three-legged chair and Remus now weighed fifteen pounds more) and began to snog him senseless, running his hands over the quickly-hardening bulge in Sirius’s trousers.
“Mmmm,” Sirius moaned, arching under Remus’s touch and allowing Remus to slide off his shirt.
The toast was burnt and the eggs were ruined by the time Sirius and Remus realized they were both going to be late to work that morning, but Remus found it very, very hard to care when things were going exactly as planned. In fact, Remus was so pleased with his successful implementation of The Plan that he didn’t feel a bit guilty for eating an entire bar of Honeyduke’s Dark Chocolate for lunch.
*
“Genius!” Lily cackled gleefully over tea with Remus two weeks later. “And he really hasn’t noticed?”
“Not a thing,” Remus grinned. “Every day, whenever someone mentions anything about Quidditch-well, let’s just say we’ve had some very spontaneous sex in some very public places.”
“I can’t believe it,” Lily said, shaking her head. “And you got the idea from an experiment?”
“Yeah-Muggle bloke named Pavlov conditioned dogs to drool whenever he rang a bell,” explained Remus. “The idea was that before he gave the dogs food, which would naturally stimulate the dogs into drooling, he’d present the dogs with a neutral stimulus, in that case a bell. So for days he would ring the bell just before giving the dogs dinner, and eventually just by ringing the bell the dogs would drool. He called it classical conditioning. I have to admit I was curious to see if it would work on a dog animagus.”
“I can’t believe you’ve trained Sirius to drool over you,” Lily said slyly, laughing again. “It’s perfect-you benefit, he obviously benefits, and having sex burns calories!”
“I know! I’ve even let myself have chocolate again without feeling guilty,” Remus confided. “Revenge has never been so sweet.”
*
A drabble originally written for shaggydogstail, which mentions neither scars nor amber orbs (though I should warn you it is a bit cracktastic).
“So you skipped the party to read Rapturous Rendezvous.” Remus held the book in his hand, having summoned it from Sirius’s grasp moments ago.
Sirius was frozen; he tried to convince himself that now would be a good time to set the dormitory on fire, admit to McGonagall that it was he who had jinxed her tartan robe to sing amorously during breakfast, or to commit ritual suicide-- anything to distract Remus from the book.
Remus arched his eyebrow at the ashen-faced Sirius, then opened it to the page Sirius had been reading.
Sirius had just finished cataloging all the ways he could drown himself in the lake-persuading the Giant Squid to capture him was his favorite so far-and was moving on to jumping off the Astronomy Tower when Remus finally looked up at him.
“You’ve changed the text.”
Sirius gulped audibly, but didn’t reply.
“All the pronouns are masculine,” Remus said, glancing at the cover of the book where a witch and a warlock were embracing passionately, the stars and moonlight shining in the background.
“And,” he continued, his cheeks flushing slightly, “you’ve changed their names to Remus and Sirius.” His eyes dropped down to the book and began to read, “Remus gathered the blushing Sirius into his arms and slid his hand lightly over his breast-”
“Stop,” Sirius croaked, embarrassed and more than slightly alarmed that Remus reading aloud his most shameful fantasy was sexy as hell.
“You’ve made yourself the woman,” Remus pointed out, smiling wickedly.
“I’ll burn it,” Sirius offered, adding a silent addendum to obliviate Remus after he got rid of the evidence.
“You can’t burn a book!” Remus said, sounding scandalized. His face got a distant, closed-off look to it before he said sternly, “I’m afraid there’s only one thing to be done.”
Sirius, sure that Remus was going to run out of the dorm room screaming at any moment, therefore ruining his contingency plan to erase Remus’s memory, did the only thing he could think to do: keep Remus talking before Sirius actually died of embarrassment (thus inconveniently circumventing his plans for ritual suicide). “What’s to be done?” Sirius asked, hoping it was enough to distract Remus away from his hand reaching for his wand.
Remus tossed the book back to Sirius, who caught the book thanks only to his Quidditch-honed reflexes.
“Let me borrow it when you’ve finished,” Remus said, grinning at a shocked Sirius before walking out of the dormitory. He paused at the doorway to shout back, “And do stop dog-earing the pages-it’s tacky.”
A third drabble, written in response to the challenge "pain." I'm assuming Remus was 17 when he graduated from Hogwarts in 1978, which puts him at 20 if my math isn't as faulty as JKR's. ;)
The curry had turned cold a long time ago. Remus sat at the kitchen table and stared at the empty chair across from him, furious at Sirius’s inability to be on time.
“Come home early tonight, love,” Sirius had whispered seductively that morning. “I’ve a special celebration in mind.”
So when Sirius came home seventeen minutes after midnight and said “Gideon and Fabian Prewett are dead,” Remus found himself attempting to throw up on a painfully empty stomach.
It was March 11, 1981. Sirius had missed his 20th birthday, and Remus wished he didn’t have such a goddamn good excuse.
~*~
Feedback and concrit are adored!
Remus stared disconsolately at Lily.
“It’s not that bad, Remus, really,” Lily tried, smiling at him over the rim of her tea cup.
“Not that bad? Not that bad?” Remus groaned, slouching in his three-legged chair, causing the chair to groan as well as Remus’s weight unsettled the magic keeping it upright.
“Many people have a chocolate addiction,” Lily continued. “Ever since I got pregnant I haven’t been able to quit eating the stuff myself.”
“Yes, but that’s perfectly normal. What is not normal is for a fully grown werewolf to gain fifteen pounds from chocolate in two months!”
“Are you sure you’re not overreacting?”
“Yes,” Remus said, emphatic. “And it’s all Sirius’s fault.”
“It usually is,” Lily replied absently.
“And not only that,” Remus continued, gaining confidence as the idea percolated in his mind, “it will also be Sirius’s fault when he leaves me because he finds my once-lithe body too hideous to touch. And then what will he do when he kicks me out and I take my furniture from our flat?” Remus’s chair groaned again.
“I’ve no idea,” Lily said wryly.
“If he hadn’t insisted on giving me chocolate all the time-- nice chocolates, Honeyduke’s finest, he knows I can’t resist those cream-filled ones-and now look, I’ve got a bloody addiction to them and my trousers don’t fit anymore, and even though Sirius tends to be ridiculously oblivious even he is bound to notice soon and-”
“Remus,” Lily interrupted, “calm down. You can fix this.”
“How?” Remus asked, desperate.
“Don’t you remember James in fifth year? Do you think I would have gone off and married him if I hadn’t been able to make him behave?”
Remus furrowed his brows and thought back to the James he knew from Hogwarts, pre-Lily. Or at least, pre-dating Lily, which brought him back to the stalking-Lily days. Yes, Remus thought, nodding his head. He did remember. Pity that.
“But how will that help me and Sirius?” Remus asked, feeling sulky because he did not think rejecting Sirius repeatedly-and in public-would help anything.
“The key,” Lily said, vanishing the chocolate wrappers from the table with a flick of her wand, “is to train him.” She gave Remus a wicked grin and settled back into her chair, running her hand over the barely-there bulge in her belly that was only slightly bigger than Remus’s.
And that’s how the whole thing began.
*
“Morning, love!” Sirius chirped, kissing Remus on the cheek and settling into the chair next to him. Sirius hadn’t returned home from Auror training until after Remus was already asleep, so Remus had made sure to get up early to make him eggs and toast.
And to give him the newspaper, of course.
“Ah, the Chudley Cannons have lost again,” Sirius said, flipping through the sports section that Remus had conveniently left on top. “Can’t be too surprised, though, considering they played against the Harpies-oh!”
Remus knocked Sirius onto the kitchen floor (which wasn’t very hard, considering Sirius had been occupying the three-legged chair and Remus now weighed fifteen pounds more) and began to snog him senseless, running his hands over the quickly-hardening bulge in Sirius’s trousers.
“Mmmm,” Sirius moaned, arching under Remus’s touch and allowing Remus to slide off his shirt.
The toast was burnt and the eggs were ruined by the time Sirius and Remus realized they were both going to be late to work that morning, but Remus found it very, very hard to care when things were going exactly as planned. In fact, Remus was so pleased with his successful implementation of The Plan that he didn’t feel a bit guilty for eating an entire bar of Honeyduke’s Dark Chocolate for lunch.
*
“Genius!” Lily cackled gleefully over tea with Remus two weeks later. “And he really hasn’t noticed?”
“Not a thing,” Remus grinned. “Every day, whenever someone mentions anything about Quidditch-well, let’s just say we’ve had some very spontaneous sex in some very public places.”
“I can’t believe it,” Lily said, shaking her head. “And you got the idea from an experiment?”
“Yeah-Muggle bloke named Pavlov conditioned dogs to drool whenever he rang a bell,” explained Remus. “The idea was that before he gave the dogs food, which would naturally stimulate the dogs into drooling, he’d present the dogs with a neutral stimulus, in that case a bell. So for days he would ring the bell just before giving the dogs dinner, and eventually just by ringing the bell the dogs would drool. He called it classical conditioning. I have to admit I was curious to see if it would work on a dog animagus.”
“I can’t believe you’ve trained Sirius to drool over you,” Lily said slyly, laughing again. “It’s perfect-you benefit, he obviously benefits, and having sex burns calories!”
“I know! I’ve even let myself have chocolate again without feeling guilty,” Remus confided. “Revenge has never been so sweet.”
*
A drabble originally written for shaggydogstail, which mentions neither scars nor amber orbs (though I should warn you it is a bit cracktastic).
“So you skipped the party to read Rapturous Rendezvous.” Remus held the book in his hand, having summoned it from Sirius’s grasp moments ago.
Sirius was frozen; he tried to convince himself that now would be a good time to set the dormitory on fire, admit to McGonagall that it was he who had jinxed her tartan robe to sing amorously during breakfast, or to commit ritual suicide-- anything to distract Remus from the book.
Remus arched his eyebrow at the ashen-faced Sirius, then opened it to the page Sirius had been reading.
Sirius had just finished cataloging all the ways he could drown himself in the lake-persuading the Giant Squid to capture him was his favorite so far-and was moving on to jumping off the Astronomy Tower when Remus finally looked up at him.
“You’ve changed the text.”
Sirius gulped audibly, but didn’t reply.
“All the pronouns are masculine,” Remus said, glancing at the cover of the book where a witch and a warlock were embracing passionately, the stars and moonlight shining in the background.
“And,” he continued, his cheeks flushing slightly, “you’ve changed their names to Remus and Sirius.” His eyes dropped down to the book and began to read, “Remus gathered the blushing Sirius into his arms and slid his hand lightly over his breast-”
“Stop,” Sirius croaked, embarrassed and more than slightly alarmed that Remus reading aloud his most shameful fantasy was sexy as hell.
“You’ve made yourself the woman,” Remus pointed out, smiling wickedly.
“I’ll burn it,” Sirius offered, adding a silent addendum to obliviate Remus after he got rid of the evidence.
“You can’t burn a book!” Remus said, sounding scandalized. His face got a distant, closed-off look to it before he said sternly, “I’m afraid there’s only one thing to be done.”
Sirius, sure that Remus was going to run out of the dorm room screaming at any moment, therefore ruining his contingency plan to erase Remus’s memory, did the only thing he could think to do: keep Remus talking before Sirius actually died of embarrassment (thus inconveniently circumventing his plans for ritual suicide). “What’s to be done?” Sirius asked, hoping it was enough to distract Remus away from his hand reaching for his wand.
Remus tossed the book back to Sirius, who caught the book thanks only to his Quidditch-honed reflexes.
“Let me borrow it when you’ve finished,” Remus said, grinning at a shocked Sirius before walking out of the dormitory. He paused at the doorway to shout back, “And do stop dog-earing the pages-it’s tacky.”
A third drabble, written in response to the challenge "pain." I'm assuming Remus was 17 when he graduated from Hogwarts in 1978, which puts him at 20 if my math isn't as faulty as JKR's. ;)
The curry had turned cold a long time ago. Remus sat at the kitchen table and stared at the empty chair across from him, furious at Sirius’s inability to be on time.
“Come home early tonight, love,” Sirius had whispered seductively that morning. “I’ve a special celebration in mind.”
So when Sirius came home seventeen minutes after midnight and said “Gideon and Fabian Prewett are dead,” Remus found himself attempting to throw up on a painfully empty stomach.
It was March 11, 1981. Sirius had missed his 20th birthday, and Remus wished he didn’t have such a goddamn good excuse.
~*~
Feedback and concrit are adored!