Crackfic: WHY HYPHENS IN NAMES ARE NOT GENERALLY APPROVED OF BY TIME LORDS
Series: Doctor Who
Characters: The Doctor, Rose Tyler, Captain Jack Harkness, OC, piggies
Pairings: - N/A until chapter 2
Rating: E/R. For EFFING RETARDED
Summary: Some late night crack, spawned by some very old inside jokes.
Warnings: ...You probably won't understand why this is funny unless I explain who B-Paul is. (Or unless you're Star.)
~
CHAOS. Things were on fire. Stuff exploded. People screamed and gesticulated wildly towards the utter Christmasy nonsense that was plaguing the downtown London skyline.
"Help, help! Alien piglets are crashing down on our stores and shopping malls and car parks with great piggish ferocity!"
"Somebody do somefing!"
"OH GOD, WHY ALWAYS ON CHRISTMAS?"
A great deal more flailing took place, and screaming, and some blokes snapping photos with their phones. Meanwhile, baby pigs in space suits tromped about and ate refuse out of dumpsters. It was rather a mess. Amidst it all, Rose Tyler jogged almost casually down the street, fumbling a key into her pocket. She stopped at an intersection and looked around, chewing her bottom lip before heading left.
"This is not what I meant when I told mum I wanted a Christmas ham," she mumbled to herself over the din of confused Londonite shouting.
So busy was Rose with the sheer bizarreness of the situation (well, she had seen a fake alien pig before, sure. But these were REAL, and LOTS!) that she failed to pay much attention to where she was going, and jogged headlong into a skinny figure. Said figure toppled to the ground with an "OOF", and lay sprawled there.
"Aug, I'm really sorry! Clumsy me, never looking where I'm-" Rose babbled, rushing to help the fallen someone up. Then she nearly recoiled in horror. "OHMIGOSH YOU'RE- I mean. That is. Gee...you look rather like a box of crayons, doncha..?" Despite all her better judgement, she helped the color-stricken person to their feet (and was surprised she didn't turn neon herself on contact.)
"Phoo, thanks!" Said the person, the voice finally giving it away as a him. A him!
Down the street a bit, someone stopped screaming at the alien piglets, and started shrieking at Sir Technicolor. Someone else snapped a photo. And then screamed.
Rose stared with her mouth agape.
"Sorry, but... issat your real hair color?" She couldn't stop herself from asking it, bad manners or no. Piglet invasion or no.
The man (seriously?) looked confused for only a few seconds before shaking his head with a navy blue-lipped grin. "Oh, no," he laughed, seemingly oblivious of the surrounding chaos. "I dye the tips, obviously."
Rose didn't think this answered her question in the slightest. The man had grey hair with red tips. Sure, the red was dyed. That made some sense. But he couldn't seriously mean that the grey was natural, could he?
But there wasn't time for that, Rose remembered. There was an alien invasion going on, albeit a mild one, and she had work to do, people to find. No time to be horror stricken at the atrocity of a neon-infected fashion vic-
"So, my name's B-Paul."
"Sorry, wot?"
"I said, my name is-"
"No, I mean I heard you but... Bee Paul? Issat like an initial and middle name or somefing?"
"I don't... think so? It's just B-Paul. Like with a hyphen. Nice to meet you!"
Rose did not know what to make of this. She had been alright with most everything else so far. Blue people, head windows, time travel... Cassandra. But this? This was just... Just... No time for that. Important things to do.
"Er, I'm Rose. Look... I've got to find a couple people. There's this pig invasion, you see, and my friends and I have to take care of it, so I've really got to-"
B-Paul's frightening lime-colored eyes lit up with excitement. "I'll help you!"
"Wot?"
"I can help! You're so nice and all, and helped be up after barreling me into the street. I'd like to help. Who are you looking for?"
A handful of piglets clopped past them, squealing and covered in garbage. They'd collected a gaggle of curious followers who seemed unsure if they should continue being frightened or not.
"Well..." Rose started.
"Rose!" The doctor shouted.
"Doctor!" Rose called back. A broad grin spread across her face.
But the doctor wasn't smiling at all. In fact, he looked concerned. Very concerned. Rose stopped smiling. The Doctor started running towards her.
"Rose!" he shouted again. "Get away from that! It can't be safe! RUN!"
"What?" Rose whirled to look about, searching for anything that might seem threatening. "What is it?"
The Doctor closed in on her, kept running, and grabbed her by the arm as he passed, yanking her along behind him. "FASHION VICTIM!"
~
Part Two
Characters: The Doctor, Rose Tyler, Captain Jack Harkness, OC, piggies
Pairings: - N/A until chapter 2
Rating: E/R. For EFFING RETARDED
Summary: Some late night crack, spawned by some very old inside jokes.
Warnings: ...You probably won't understand why this is funny unless I explain who B-Paul is. (Or unless you're Star.)
~
CHAOS. Things were on fire. Stuff exploded. People screamed and gesticulated wildly towards the utter Christmasy nonsense that was plaguing the downtown London skyline.
"Help, help! Alien piglets are crashing down on our stores and shopping malls and car parks with great piggish ferocity!"
"Somebody do somefing!"
"OH GOD, WHY ALWAYS ON CHRISTMAS?"
A great deal more flailing took place, and screaming, and some blokes snapping photos with their phones. Meanwhile, baby pigs in space suits tromped about and ate refuse out of dumpsters. It was rather a mess. Amidst it all, Rose Tyler jogged almost casually down the street, fumbling a key into her pocket. She stopped at an intersection and looked around, chewing her bottom lip before heading left.
"This is not what I meant when I told mum I wanted a Christmas ham," she mumbled to herself over the din of confused Londonite shouting.
So busy was Rose with the sheer bizarreness of the situation (well, she had seen a fake alien pig before, sure. But these were REAL, and LOTS!) that she failed to pay much attention to where she was going, and jogged headlong into a skinny figure. Said figure toppled to the ground with an "OOF", and lay sprawled there.
"Aug, I'm really sorry! Clumsy me, never looking where I'm-" Rose babbled, rushing to help the fallen someone up. Then she nearly recoiled in horror. "OHMIGOSH YOU'RE- I mean. That is. Gee...you look rather like a box of crayons, doncha..?" Despite all her better judgement, she helped the color-stricken person to their feet (and was surprised she didn't turn neon herself on contact.)
"Phoo, thanks!" Said the person, the voice finally giving it away as a him. A him!
Down the street a bit, someone stopped screaming at the alien piglets, and started shrieking at Sir Technicolor. Someone else snapped a photo. And then screamed.
Rose stared with her mouth agape.
"Sorry, but... issat your real hair color?" She couldn't stop herself from asking it, bad manners or no. Piglet invasion or no.
The man (seriously?) looked confused for only a few seconds before shaking his head with a navy blue-lipped grin. "Oh, no," he laughed, seemingly oblivious of the surrounding chaos. "I dye the tips, obviously."
Rose didn't think this answered her question in the slightest. The man had grey hair with red tips. Sure, the red was dyed. That made some sense. But he couldn't seriously mean that the grey was natural, could he?
But there wasn't time for that, Rose remembered. There was an alien invasion going on, albeit a mild one, and she had work to do, people to find. No time to be horror stricken at the atrocity of a neon-infected fashion vic-
"So, my name's B-Paul."
"Sorry, wot?"
"I said, my name is-"
"No, I mean I heard you but... Bee Paul? Issat like an initial and middle name or somefing?"
"I don't... think so? It's just B-Paul. Like with a hyphen. Nice to meet you!"
Rose did not know what to make of this. She had been alright with most everything else so far. Blue people, head windows, time travel... Cassandra. But this? This was just... Just... No time for that. Important things to do.
"Er, I'm Rose. Look... I've got to find a couple people. There's this pig invasion, you see, and my friends and I have to take care of it, so I've really got to-"
B-Paul's frightening lime-colored eyes lit up with excitement. "I'll help you!"
"Wot?"
"I can help! You're so nice and all, and helped be up after barreling me into the street. I'd like to help. Who are you looking for?"
A handful of piglets clopped past them, squealing and covered in garbage. They'd collected a gaggle of curious followers who seemed unsure if they should continue being frightened or not.
"Well..." Rose started.
"Rose!" The doctor shouted.
"Doctor!" Rose called back. A broad grin spread across her face.
But the doctor wasn't smiling at all. In fact, he looked concerned. Very concerned. Rose stopped smiling. The Doctor started running towards her.
"Rose!" he shouted again. "Get away from that! It can't be safe! RUN!"
"What?" Rose whirled to look about, searching for anything that might seem threatening. "What is it?"
The Doctor closed in on her, kept running, and grabbed her by the arm as he passed, yanking her along behind him. "FASHION VICTIM!"
~
Part Two