Hello Beautiful Void
So lately I've found myself in need of a place to write, a space to fully express how I'm feeling about many things in my life. The reason I find myself here is that 98% of you no longer use livejournal, so chances are no one will actually read how pathetic I am. So here I go, if you're reading this I apologize ahead of time.
2012, what a year so far. I've been working at a bank for six months now and for the first time in my life I feel inadequate. I'm not a sales person, I hate pushing products or trying to make a product seem like it's the best option for someone. I don't know them, I don't know their life or what their goals are, who the hell am I to decide that a credit card is something I should be pushing? In all honesty, it feels like I'm a con. But alas, this is a feeling I have to get over. I have to assume that everything I'm saying/doing is going to help that person and not worry that I'm getting them into a financial position that could break them should the economy plummet further. I hate feeling inadequate.
Other than that I do enjoy my job, my customers really like me and I know so many of them on a deeper, more personal level. They're also seeing me, when I worked at Target no one knew who I was outside of the red and khaki but now I'm finding that when I go out people approach me and ask me how I am, how the bank is, and have small talk with me because they trust me on a financial level. That seems a little deeper than it should be.
On another note I went through 2011 single, my break up with Alex really tore me apart in ways that still bring tears to my eyes. The really messed up part is that I brought it upon myself, yet another example of my need to destroy good things in my life. I'm not saying what I had with him was perfect, we had plenty of issues as any normal relationship does...but he was wonderful to me and I was a monster to him. I miss him, I miss his voice, his friendship, the way he'd worry about things, his eyes, I also miss that part of him that was almost shy.
Another huge change for me in the past year was a change in birth control, that's right, I was finally treated for pmdd. I don't know why I waited so long or how I made it through life before this. Oh wait, that's right, I was a crazy idiotic hag. I had my potassium tested after a year of use and it hasn't spiked, so I'm clear to continue using yasmin! At least there was some good news.
I also had a massive breast reduction in May, a few complications and a revision minor surgery in November. I think this was the best idea I've ever had in my life. Currently I'm a c cup working my way down to a b cup. For my height I think a b is the most natural looking cup size. The only downer is that from May to September I had pain if I walked any faster than mosey, so working out fell off the charts. Then I had my revision in November but with this new year I've started a new diet and have been going to a new gym a few times a week! I'm on day 4 of the Atkin's diet and I want to punch someone for a strawberry.
My mom did this diet a few years ago and she had some pretty incredible results, so I'm giving it a try and hopefully by May I'll truly feel like myself. I've felt ugly for so long that it would be nice to actually feel remotely attractive. There's my other issue, self confidence. If you actually know me that would surprise you, I'm highly outspoken with so many points of view that your eyes would cross, but when it comes to my physical appearance I feel like I lack in ways that are completely unimaginable. Thank god I'm not some rich man's daughter, I'd be addicted to plastic surgery.
The past year went by so quickly for me, almost a blur of decisions and regrets. I miss my happiness, I miss feeling comfortable in my skin, I miss having someone to tell these things to. I miss my motivation, my passion for all things in my life, my drive to do better and be better. I've left so many loose ends in my life, so many bridges burned up and I'm only 25, god only knows how stranded I'll be in another 10 years.
My mother once asked me to make a five year plan for my life and I couldn't do that. I couldn't go beyond one year because I have this inability to confess what I desire most in life. I'm almost ashamed and embarrassed of the things that I still hold passion for, yet I have no understanding of why. Lord do I need a vacation.
Well that's all I have for now, just a few worries and some tears for my beautiful void, if you're reading this still then thank you. The fact that part of you cared enough to come this far into my worries about my life is very touching. Let's just hope that this next year is a better one, one that's much less lonely.
-Jennifer ♥
2012, what a year so far. I've been working at a bank for six months now and for the first time in my life I feel inadequate. I'm not a sales person, I hate pushing products or trying to make a product seem like it's the best option for someone. I don't know them, I don't know their life or what their goals are, who the hell am I to decide that a credit card is something I should be pushing? In all honesty, it feels like I'm a con. But alas, this is a feeling I have to get over. I have to assume that everything I'm saying/doing is going to help that person and not worry that I'm getting them into a financial position that could break them should the economy plummet further. I hate feeling inadequate.
Other than that I do enjoy my job, my customers really like me and I know so many of them on a deeper, more personal level. They're also seeing me, when I worked at Target no one knew who I was outside of the red and khaki but now I'm finding that when I go out people approach me and ask me how I am, how the bank is, and have small talk with me because they trust me on a financial level. That seems a little deeper than it should be.
On another note I went through 2011 single, my break up with Alex really tore me apart in ways that still bring tears to my eyes. The really messed up part is that I brought it upon myself, yet another example of my need to destroy good things in my life. I'm not saying what I had with him was perfect, we had plenty of issues as any normal relationship does...but he was wonderful to me and I was a monster to him. I miss him, I miss his voice, his friendship, the way he'd worry about things, his eyes, I also miss that part of him that was almost shy.
Another huge change for me in the past year was a change in birth control, that's right, I was finally treated for pmdd. I don't know why I waited so long or how I made it through life before this. Oh wait, that's right, I was a crazy idiotic hag. I had my potassium tested after a year of use and it hasn't spiked, so I'm clear to continue using yasmin! At least there was some good news.
I also had a massive breast reduction in May, a few complications and a revision minor surgery in November. I think this was the best idea I've ever had in my life. Currently I'm a c cup working my way down to a b cup. For my height I think a b is the most natural looking cup size. The only downer is that from May to September I had pain if I walked any faster than mosey, so working out fell off the charts. Then I had my revision in November but with this new year I've started a new diet and have been going to a new gym a few times a week! I'm on day 4 of the Atkin's diet and I want to punch someone for a strawberry.
My mom did this diet a few years ago and she had some pretty incredible results, so I'm giving it a try and hopefully by May I'll truly feel like myself. I've felt ugly for so long that it would be nice to actually feel remotely attractive. There's my other issue, self confidence. If you actually know me that would surprise you, I'm highly outspoken with so many points of view that your eyes would cross, but when it comes to my physical appearance I feel like I lack in ways that are completely unimaginable. Thank god I'm not some rich man's daughter, I'd be addicted to plastic surgery.
The past year went by so quickly for me, almost a blur of decisions and regrets. I miss my happiness, I miss feeling comfortable in my skin, I miss having someone to tell these things to. I miss my motivation, my passion for all things in my life, my drive to do better and be better. I've left so many loose ends in my life, so many bridges burned up and I'm only 25, god only knows how stranded I'll be in another 10 years.
My mother once asked me to make a five year plan for my life and I couldn't do that. I couldn't go beyond one year because I have this inability to confess what I desire most in life. I'm almost ashamed and embarrassed of the things that I still hold passion for, yet I have no understanding of why. Lord do I need a vacation.
Well that's all I have for now, just a few worries and some tears for my beautiful void, if you're reading this still then thank you. The fact that part of you cared enough to come this far into my worries about my life is very touching. Let's just hope that this next year is a better one, one that's much less lonely.
-Jennifer ♥