Know Thy Self
I'm sitting here wondering, if someone were to try and find out about you without your knowledge, to whom would they most likely go to for information? Family and Friends? Seems the most likely choice. These are the people that are supposed to know you best, correct? Though personally I would say to a person trying to discovery anything relevant about me to NOT ask my friends and family. Not because I have something to hide. Not because they all know my deep dark secrets, though I'm sure a few of them know something’s about me I don't want the world to know. But because I'm not sure how well the people closest to me know me....really know me. And this isn't completely their fault. I have to admit over the years I've perfected the art of saying one thing while thinking a complete other. And since that is all these people know about me is what I say...are they really getting a clear view of who I am? Clearly not. Now you would think that after enough time around me, an individual would start to pick up on the fact that my actions don't necessarily mimic my words. Case in point, I constantly say I don't want kids and that I don't like children. But in actuality they make me smile every time (even when they kinda irritate me with their screaming while I'm trying to eat my dinner). If I see a baby staring at me in a restaurant I'll make faces and smile at them. Yet what I say about children completely hints to the opposite reaction. If someone took to heart the things I said, they'd have to assume I'd walk over and slap the smiling child's parents for even spawning something so evil. Now this misperception about me is obviously my fault, I do say things that are contrary to my actions. I mostly do that because it’s what’s expected of me. Childish I know but I'm expected to be the insensitive friend. The guy that hates everything, that never has a nice word about anyone or anything. Lately I've even tried to change this but I've watched friends and family react negatively the more I try to make myself into a better person or into someone not just charming but likeable. (I'm apparently the loveable asshole but not all that likeable) This perception my friends and family have of me is so...instilled that they are almost unwilling to allow me to grow and the more they push me...the more I fall into old ways, even worse then I was before. Is the idea of me trying to make myself a better person such a bad one? Are they trying to protect me because they know I'll fail or are they so adverse to my change because they think I'll succeed and leave them behind?
I love my friends and I love my family but to constantly try and fit into their boxes of what they think of me seems to be driving me batshit insane. It’s exhausting to be the person I don't wanna be so that the people around me can be comfortable. In this process I think I'm going to end up hurting or pushing some people away but that’s inevitable in life I suppose, forever just isn't a human possibility. And lets be honest why would you want to be friends or around people that don't want you to be a better person to not reach your potential?
Am I being selfish for wanting something better for myself even if my friends and family can't handle my change? Maybe. But I've been called selfish before..I can understand that. I'm not that giving of myself all the time, I need to hole up sometimes and shut out the world, even those close to me. And yes like a child I will act out if I'm pushed to hard to give too much but I'm going to try to fix that more negative trait about my personality. I figure people can go on my ride of self-discovery with me or they can miss the boat and watch me sail out into stormy waters.
I'm rambling but I needed this.
I love my friends and I love my family but to constantly try and fit into their boxes of what they think of me seems to be driving me batshit insane. It’s exhausting to be the person I don't wanna be so that the people around me can be comfortable. In this process I think I'm going to end up hurting or pushing some people away but that’s inevitable in life I suppose, forever just isn't a human possibility. And lets be honest why would you want to be friends or around people that don't want you to be a better person to not reach your potential?
Am I being selfish for wanting something better for myself even if my friends and family can't handle my change? Maybe. But I've been called selfish before..I can understand that. I'm not that giving of myself all the time, I need to hole up sometimes and shut out the world, even those close to me. And yes like a child I will act out if I'm pushed to hard to give too much but I'm going to try to fix that more negative trait about my personality. I figure people can go on my ride of self-discovery with me or they can miss the boat and watch me sail out into stormy waters.
I'm rambling but I needed this.