What about that?
I'm pretty sad right now. I'm tired of having to prove myself to people. Friends, mostly. People I thought were friends, but truly weren't. I feel like people I barely know, that I have spent a small period of time with, are forming assumptions of me. I, then, have to verbally hand over my resume for friendship. They take that into account, spend more time with me, throw down their assumptions, and THEN, enjoy my company and see that their assumptions were wrong.
I bring on my own sadness. I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want to be alienated.
The truth is, I do want that "notebook" love and the further truth is, I HAVE NOT found it. I don't think I ever will. I think that subconsciously, I will always think "Does he love me? Really love me?" "Is he cheating on me?" "Where did he go, is he with someone else" "Is he going to yell at me tonight? Hit me?" Things I asked in my last long-term relationship, I fear I'll ask these in relationships in the future. I know I have in the last two, not all of them, because they weren't long enough to ignite such questions. However, questions such as these did arise.
I cause people to do horrible things. My friend had to call the police on Grant last week. I was so scared that I called my friends to come get me before the drama. I'll post a detailed story later. I'm still a little shaken.
Faculty meeting tomorrow and I'm very nervous. Very, very, very nervous.
I'm exhausted and I haven't finished either paper, yet.
I want to sleep, dream, and never wake up. I wish I could live in a wonderful dream and stay there forever.
"What bout the times you lied to me? What about the times you said no one would want me? What about all the shit you've done to me? What about that? What about that? What about the time I said no more please? What about that? What about that?"
I bring on my own sadness. I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want to be alienated.
The truth is, I do want that "notebook" love and the further truth is, I HAVE NOT found it. I don't think I ever will. I think that subconsciously, I will always think "Does he love me? Really love me?" "Is he cheating on me?" "Where did he go, is he with someone else" "Is he going to yell at me tonight? Hit me?" Things I asked in my last long-term relationship, I fear I'll ask these in relationships in the future. I know I have in the last two, not all of them, because they weren't long enough to ignite such questions. However, questions such as these did arise.
I cause people to do horrible things. My friend had to call the police on Grant last week. I was so scared that I called my friends to come get me before the drama. I'll post a detailed story later. I'm still a little shaken.
Faculty meeting tomorrow and I'm very nervous. Very, very, very nervous.
I'm exhausted and I haven't finished either paper, yet.
I want to sleep, dream, and never wake up. I wish I could live in a wonderful dream and stay there forever.
"What bout the times you lied to me? What about the times you said no one would want me? What about all the shit you've done to me? What about that? What about that? What about the time I said no more please? What about that? What about that?"