Independence, Codependency... I have issues...
I feel like I say this a lot... or maybe it's just whenever I finally get around to posting... but ...
I'm beyond exhausted...
This semester has been a trying time. I miss having my support network close by. I know they're just a phone call/email away, but it's just so much harder to reach out. (For some damn reason.) I've had to retrain myself to reach out for help. As the semester comes to an end, I am reflecting on life... As I was walking home, I found myself wondering why it's so hard for me to ask for help. And well, as mother's day is coming up, I thought of my momma... The stories she used to tell me about being young... she was a bit of a dreamer, but totally independent. It's hard for me to see her like she is now. For awhile, she lost her will to live and was literally waiting for death. The woman isn't even 50 and she was waiting for death. I fuckin' run from death like it will come in the next minute. She's always been so dependent on me... I was the one picking up the pieces, putting them all together, or telling her where they go. I was also codependent on her needing me. And now that I'm in New York, I literally can't be there for her. So we've both had to adjust. Her total dependence on me has made me completely afraid of being dependent on people, even my best friends. When my grandparents were getting sick, I only told one friend. My entire world, as I knew it, was collapsing and I was so scared. I wanted the comfort of all my friends, but I didn't have the courage to tell them. I didn't want to burden them with knowing. The same thing occurs with my depression. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but sometimes when I need the most help I can't get the courage to call them. I think it was easier when I was at Davis because if I didn't want to talk about it, I could just spend time with people and feel better a little better. But here, I literally have to seek them out. Now that I think about it, I was staying at working and hanging out there a lot more this semester...even when I didn't need to be. I miss that companionship. I have sort of proved to myself (all my life) that I can be independent and now I've proven that I can live alone and find my way in a new city alone. But now I have to find a way of adapting to being able to depend on other people without being codependent.
I'm beyond exhausted...
This semester has been a trying time. I miss having my support network close by. I know they're just a phone call/email away, but it's just so much harder to reach out. (For some damn reason.) I've had to retrain myself to reach out for help. As the semester comes to an end, I am reflecting on life... As I was walking home, I found myself wondering why it's so hard for me to ask for help. And well, as mother's day is coming up, I thought of my momma... The stories she used to tell me about being young... she was a bit of a dreamer, but totally independent. It's hard for me to see her like she is now. For awhile, she lost her will to live and was literally waiting for death. The woman isn't even 50 and she was waiting for death. I fuckin' run from death like it will come in the next minute. She's always been so dependent on me... I was the one picking up the pieces, putting them all together, or telling her where they go. I was also codependent on her needing me. And now that I'm in New York, I literally can't be there for her. So we've both had to adjust. Her total dependence on me has made me completely afraid of being dependent on people, even my best friends. When my grandparents were getting sick, I only told one friend. My entire world, as I knew it, was collapsing and I was so scared. I wanted the comfort of all my friends, but I didn't have the courage to tell them. I didn't want to burden them with knowing. The same thing occurs with my depression. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but sometimes when I need the most help I can't get the courage to call them. I think it was easier when I was at Davis because if I didn't want to talk about it, I could just spend time with people and feel better a little better. But here, I literally have to seek them out. Now that I think about it, I was staying at working and hanging out there a lot more this semester...even when I didn't need to be. I miss that companionship. I have sort of proved to myself (all my life) that I can be independent and now I've proven that I can live alone and find my way in a new city alone. But now I have to find a way of adapting to being able to depend on other people without being codependent.