Well, since you asked... boogastreehouseJanuary 2 2011, 21:40:09 UTC
Well, since you asked... I've actually thought it out a lot over the years, and I know what causes this irrational reaction.
My whole life growing up, my mother would use gift-giving as a way to score points against me. You see she was always very insecure because at a young age I, her son, was already smarter than her. She was already very self-conscious at not being able to measure up to my father's intellect, and so she found this to be intolerable. She compensated for this insecurity by being constantly belittling and critical, which was easy enough to counter, though it led to an environment of perpetual arguing and insults back-and-forth.
While she was a sadly simple and overt person, she was able to employ more subtle weapons against me than blunt criticism. Many areas of everyday life were used to constantly remind me that I was in a situation in which I was at her mercy. I ate because she had the power to keep me fed. I had possessions because she chose to bestow them upon me. Now don't get me wrong, I never went without. Far from it, I was really never lacked for anything, and might have even been a little spoiled. But I saw what she was doing; she was putting me in a position where I was always reminded of my place and left beholden to her. I didn't like it. She was controlling me by providing for me, and chipping away at my self-worth so that she would be better than me, and so that I would need her.
Being aware of the manipulation made it intolerable for me, I could not bring myself to accept anything from her, and developed a routine of avoiding her efforts. I stopped eating with the family most of the time and stopped giving or accepting gifts. The process had begun to trigger a nausea in me, and I simply stopped participating in it.
Just in the last couple weeks, I've had another insight; since I know what this stems from, why does it persist? Why do I react to the generosity of other people with the defensive traits I used with my mother? I think that rather than reminding me of a simple desire to avoid and escape, being put in this situation causes me fall back on the battle of wills mentality. If I accept the gift, I am losing and therefore degraded.
Hmmm... I suppose all this might also explain why, when debating with someone, I will sometimes coldly and remorselessly "go for the throat," being blunter or harsher than I need to be, in order to drive my point home.
Knowing this I suppose I could work to overcome this problem, but I have to admit that I think I've come to identify with my hang-up; by which I mean I think I've gotten used to it being part of my identity. Even though intellectually I could probably master it at this point, I'm too attached to it emotionally to want to. I suppose, part of me also believes that if I allow myself to "get over" these irrational reactions I'll lose defenses I've long depended on, and even though I don't really need them anymore, I feel safer with them. I think that part of me also believes that if I allow myself to "get over" these reactions, my mother will finally win. It's crazy, I know.
My whole life growing up, my mother would use gift-giving as a way to score points against me. You see she was always very insecure because at a young age I, her son, was already smarter than her. She was already very self-conscious at not being able to measure up to my father's intellect, and so she found this to be intolerable. She compensated for this insecurity by being constantly belittling and critical, which was easy enough to counter, though it led to an environment of perpetual arguing and insults back-and-forth.
While she was a sadly simple and overt person, she was able to employ more subtle weapons against me than blunt criticism. Many areas of everyday life were used to constantly remind me that I was in a situation in which I was at her mercy. I ate because she had the power to keep me fed. I had possessions because she chose to bestow them upon me. Now don't get me wrong, I never went without. Far from it, I was really never lacked for anything, and might have even been a little spoiled. But I saw what she was doing; she was putting me in a position where I was always reminded of my place and left beholden to her. I didn't like it. She was controlling me by providing for me, and chipping away at my self-worth so that she would be better than me, and so that I would need her.
Being aware of the manipulation made it intolerable for me, I could not bring myself to accept anything from her, and developed a routine of avoiding her efforts. I stopped eating with the family most of the time and stopped giving or accepting gifts. The process had begun to trigger a nausea in me, and I simply stopped participating in it.
Just in the last couple weeks, I've had another insight; since I know what this stems from, why does it persist? Why do I react to the generosity of other people with the defensive traits I used with my mother? I think that rather than reminding me of a simple desire to avoid and escape, being put in this situation causes me fall back on the battle of wills mentality. If I accept the gift, I am losing and therefore degraded.
Hmmm... I suppose all this might also explain why, when debating with someone, I will sometimes coldly and remorselessly "go for the throat," being blunter or harsher than I need to be, in order to drive my point home.
Knowing this I suppose I could work to overcome this problem, but I have to admit that I think I've come to identify with my hang-up; by which I mean I think I've gotten used to it being part of my identity. Even though intellectually I could probably master it at this point, I'm too attached to it emotionally to want to. I suppose, part of me also believes that if I allow myself to "get over" these irrational reactions I'll lose defenses I've long depended on, and even though I don't really need them anymore, I feel safer with them. I think that part of me also believes that if I allow myself to "get over" these reactions, my mother will finally win. It's crazy, I know.
Whew! Remember, you asked!
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