(no subject)
I haven't been takingmy anti depressants like at all.I keep forgetting and then I just keep getting really sad for no reason and then I realize that I really need them.I feel really alone and bitchy.It would be kind of nice to have a serious relationship because thats a really good feeling.But every single fucking time I try to care about someone I push them away and I don't want that anymore.Amy ALWAYS has a boyfriend and she has no idea how it can be worse to have no one then to have someone that hurts you.She has no idea how lucky she is.I don't even think I've ever been in love.
But sometimes I think its better to just stay away from relationships all together because I see amy gets hurt and even though I don't get hurt,I get hurt that I CAN'T care.I try so hard to just care about someone.To have something thats really real but its just not there and I know it.I can't pretend to have something I don't.I can not believe that I just had sex with someone then went out with them for 2 days.But holy jesus I'm so sick of going out with people I don't even know.I always end up with these people I met once or twice and I'm expected to care about them?to feel for them?When I just DON'T.
And whenever I write anything in my livejournal pertaining to feelings doug has to go and shove it in my face how stupid I am and how I wrote this and that.But I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm fine when I'm really not at all.I always act like I'm happy and I never tell anyone how I feel.I just get angry with everyone and yell at them and push them away because I don't want to talk about it.Its just that I don't like to be all depressed because I hate it when people whine about how there life sucks when I know I don't even have the faintest idea of what having a fucked up life is.When people can look at other people that have the most fucked up lives ever and say "it sucks so bad because he doesn't love me and he was mean to me and she said this about me" when they have no fucking clue to what pain is.well I guess thats it for now
that was long
Lauren
But sometimes I think its better to just stay away from relationships all together because I see amy gets hurt and even though I don't get hurt,I get hurt that I CAN'T care.I try so hard to just care about someone.To have something thats really real but its just not there and I know it.I can't pretend to have something I don't.I can not believe that I just had sex with someone then went out with them for 2 days.But holy jesus I'm so sick of going out with people I don't even know.I always end up with these people I met once or twice and I'm expected to care about them?to feel for them?When I just DON'T.
And whenever I write anything in my livejournal pertaining to feelings doug has to go and shove it in my face how stupid I am and how I wrote this and that.But I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm fine when I'm really not at all.I always act like I'm happy and I never tell anyone how I feel.I just get angry with everyone and yell at them and push them away because I don't want to talk about it.Its just that I don't like to be all depressed because I hate it when people whine about how there life sucks when I know I don't even have the faintest idea of what having a fucked up life is.When people can look at other people that have the most fucked up lives ever and say "it sucks so bad because he doesn't love me and he was mean to me and she said this about me" when they have no fucking clue to what pain is.well I guess thats it for now
that was long
Lauren