(no subject)
the 3 year anniversary of my best friend's death is this sunday the 13th.. his birthday is the 23rd. i miss him so much. i miss him so much i make plans on how i can see him again. ironically its the thought of him that also stops me. i really am pathetic aren't i? its been 3 years and i'm still not over losing him like that. i know not all of you know the story but i don't feel like going into it right now. it was violent. leave it there. anyway its so sad how i hold onto him. everytime i think i'm ok with everything. everytime i finally think i'm done crying about it its february again. maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he wouldn't have died so close to his birthday. 2 days in one month that i can't stop thinking about him.... ahhhhhhhhhh i'm so pathetic. god damnit. i hate this. i want him here. i want to stop crying. i want to be happy. just for one day i want to be able to smile and have it be genuine.
i'm fucking sick of this.
i'm sick of crying at home alone every damn night while i pretend i'm ok and talk online to my friends.
i'm sick of not being able to handle the way i feel.
i'm sick of being so much in love and not having that love returned.
i'm sick of missing him.
i'm sick of missing everyone.
i'm sick of crying and not knowing why.
i'm sick of being depressed and not having money for my medication.
i'm sick of not having money.
i'm sick of working a job that has no FUCKING point.
i'm sick of working a job that i only go to for the people i work with.
i'm sick of not being in school but having nothing to do about it.
i'm sick of being the fat friend.
i'm sick of being ugly as hell.
i'm sick of being the one everyone goes to, but not having anyone to go to.
i'm sick of feeling i have to hide everything.
i'm sick of being sick but not having money for doctors.
i'm sick of handling everything on my own, and not having anyone to go to.
i'm sick of being in love with a man who uses me for relationship advice.
i'm sick of living so far away from everyone i want to spend time with.
i'm sick of living.
i'm fucking sick of this.
i'm sick of crying at home alone every damn night while i pretend i'm ok and talk online to my friends.
i'm sick of not being able to handle the way i feel.
i'm sick of being so much in love and not having that love returned.
i'm sick of missing him.
i'm sick of missing everyone.
i'm sick of crying and not knowing why.
i'm sick of being depressed and not having money for my medication.
i'm sick of not having money.
i'm sick of working a job that has no FUCKING point.
i'm sick of working a job that i only go to for the people i work with.
i'm sick of not being in school but having nothing to do about it.
i'm sick of being the fat friend.
i'm sick of being ugly as hell.
i'm sick of being the one everyone goes to, but not having anyone to go to.
i'm sick of feeling i have to hide everything.
i'm sick of being sick but not having money for doctors.
i'm sick of handling everything on my own, and not having anyone to go to.
i'm sick of being in love with a man who uses me for relationship advice.
i'm sick of living so far away from everyone i want to spend time with.
i'm sick of living.