a post for the masses
hey.
i'm bored.
i also don't feel well... i have an icky yucky tummy today. i haven't even eaten anything that usually messes with my tummy.. but meh. oh well.
i just talked to some guy who i don't know that well but i see him in the lab all the time. we talked for like 45 minutes... maybe an hour.. he's pretty cool. i wanna hang out with him... nothing boyfriend/girlfriendy just hang out... but i think it would be creepy to ask cause he's like 38 i think... but he's really awesome and down to earth and likes awesome music so i wanna be his friend. plus i think that he would not be opposed to buying me alcohol and i need to drown my sorrows.
i don't know what has been wrong with me lately. maybe it's loneliness. maybe its me being stupid. most likely i've just been kinda down. sure i'm happy when i'm around people. but as soon as i'm alone, like now, i start thinking about things that bother me(john just hit me with a fucking baton.. *OUCH*) and then i start to worry about things until i get so worried about them that even the smallest things start to make my hands shake and i just completely freak out.. like.. the fact that i lost my wallet. now, i know that i most likely have it in my car somewhere, but what if i don't? what if someone stole it, or i put it on my car and drove away or i left it somewhere.. i dunno. my atm card was in my purse tho so i dunno. and about this new job, what if i completely suck at it. and i dunno that sounds like a perfectly normal fear, right, well it's not really normal to be so freaking worried about this new job that my heart starts beating fast and i start not being able to breath. infact it's kinda sad. i dunno. wow. i just read thru that and i say "i dunno" alot. hmmm oh well.
anyway i just hope that everything works out and i can transfer before winter quarter and move on. maybe when i'm away from people that i have so much history with i won't be as upset all the time. maybe when i'm away from people that i haven't yet spent time away from i will be able to move on. maybe when i don't have as many financial problems i won't be as depressed. hopefully. maybe.
maybe i just need to spend more time alone. i mean i know that when i'm alone everything starts to feel like it is barrelling down on me, but maybe that is because i am never alone. i throw myself into groups of people so often that i don't have time to think about individual things as they happen. so if i would sort things out one at a time then maybe i would be happier cause when i'm trying to sleep at nite i don't have to spend 45 minutes crying cause so much shit is coming at me at once.
i haven't heard from Karin all week. maybe that is also good. i tend to throw myself from one relationship to another and that (as you well know) hasn't worked for me in the past. with the exception of one person i don't think there is any "ex" in my past that would take me back, and i definitely am not going back to the one that would. he's an ass. ha... and married. wow. look what that says about me. the only person i can hold onto is a man that feels the need to smack me around. i'm so glad i deleted him from my memory banks... wow that was dorky. anyway. i've always felt that there is at least one person out there for everyone. if not more. i could go into why .. but it ties in with my theories on the afterlife and i don't wanna get into it.. but i'm beginning to doubt that too.. i mean if the only person that has ever been so in "love" with me that he can't and couldn't live without me is that much of an ass maybe i'm not loveable by any normally wired man or woman.....
maybe. i dunno. just a little freewriting.
i'm bored.
i also don't feel well... i have an icky yucky tummy today. i haven't even eaten anything that usually messes with my tummy.. but meh. oh well.
i just talked to some guy who i don't know that well but i see him in the lab all the time. we talked for like 45 minutes... maybe an hour.. he's pretty cool. i wanna hang out with him... nothing boyfriend/girlfriendy just hang out... but i think it would be creepy to ask cause he's like 38 i think... but he's really awesome and down to earth and likes awesome music so i wanna be his friend. plus i think that he would not be opposed to buying me alcohol and i need to drown my sorrows.
i don't know what has been wrong with me lately. maybe it's loneliness. maybe its me being stupid. most likely i've just been kinda down. sure i'm happy when i'm around people. but as soon as i'm alone, like now, i start thinking about things that bother me(john just hit me with a fucking baton.. *OUCH*) and then i start to worry about things until i get so worried about them that even the smallest things start to make my hands shake and i just completely freak out.. like.. the fact that i lost my wallet. now, i know that i most likely have it in my car somewhere, but what if i don't? what if someone stole it, or i put it on my car and drove away or i left it somewhere.. i dunno. my atm card was in my purse tho so i dunno. and about this new job, what if i completely suck at it. and i dunno that sounds like a perfectly normal fear, right, well it's not really normal to be so freaking worried about this new job that my heart starts beating fast and i start not being able to breath. infact it's kinda sad. i dunno. wow. i just read thru that and i say "i dunno" alot. hmmm oh well.
anyway i just hope that everything works out and i can transfer before winter quarter and move on. maybe when i'm away from people that i have so much history with i won't be as upset all the time. maybe when i'm away from people that i haven't yet spent time away from i will be able to move on. maybe when i don't have as many financial problems i won't be as depressed. hopefully. maybe.
maybe i just need to spend more time alone. i mean i know that when i'm alone everything starts to feel like it is barrelling down on me, but maybe that is because i am never alone. i throw myself into groups of people so often that i don't have time to think about individual things as they happen. so if i would sort things out one at a time then maybe i would be happier cause when i'm trying to sleep at nite i don't have to spend 45 minutes crying cause so much shit is coming at me at once.
i haven't heard from Karin all week. maybe that is also good. i tend to throw myself from one relationship to another and that (as you well know) hasn't worked for me in the past. with the exception of one person i don't think there is any "ex" in my past that would take me back, and i definitely am not going back to the one that would. he's an ass. ha... and married. wow. look what that says about me. the only person i can hold onto is a man that feels the need to smack me around. i'm so glad i deleted him from my memory banks... wow that was dorky. anyway. i've always felt that there is at least one person out there for everyone. if not more. i could go into why .. but it ties in with my theories on the afterlife and i don't wanna get into it.. but i'm beginning to doubt that too.. i mean if the only person that has ever been so in "love" with me that he can't and couldn't live without me is that much of an ass maybe i'm not loveable by any normally wired man or woman.....
maybe. i dunno. just a little freewriting.