Heartbroken
I've found myself crying at the littlest things that remind me of my godfather. I miss him so much.
I went to his funeral. I touched his cold hands. I've cried over him, but any reminder of the fact that he's gone just sets me off again.
My TL and friend pulled me aside at work and asked if I was okay. That got the tears started.
I mentioned the fact that I got pulled aside at work to my personal trainer while at the gym. Shed some tears then too.
Now I'm reading a fanfic and a character's parent ends up in hospital after a health scare. The character's son kisses the sick grandparent on the temple and it made me realise that I didn't do that. That at the funeral, I just held my godfather's hand and didn't even get to give him a kiss goodbye. Tell him how much I loved him. That I wish I'd seen him again before he died. That I wish I could have taken care of him somehow.
You know, last year, I was looking online at property prices of flats in LA. I wanted to see if it was possible for us to buy an investment property near where he currently lived so he wouldn't have to worry about rent or living in a crappy shithole with potheads. He could work if he wanted to, but it would mean that he had a few less things to worry about.
I wish I'd been able to see him alive one last time.
I wish that family holidays hadn't forced me to use all of my annual leave last year so I could have gone to see him in January earlier this year with my mum and brother.
I wish that I'd insisted more to going back to LA for a family holiday.
I wish he had taken care of himself and his health.
I wish he'd had someone there to force him to go see a doctor when his stomach pains started.
I wish they'd never moved to LA in the first place. They were perfectly fine and healthy and happy living where they were.
I wish that he'd had a chance to actually enjoy life. He'd been working hard taking care of his mum and siblings since he was 15yo and my grandfather died on his birthday, and then taking care of his wife and children when he was older. He was 60yo and still working to send money to his children when he died.
I wish I'd gotten to hug him one last time and feel him breathing against me.
I wish I'd told him that I loved him and heard him say it back.
I wish he wasn't dead.
I wish he was still alive and healthy and cracking jokes like he's always done for my entire life.
I miss him so much.
I went to his funeral. I touched his cold hands. I've cried over him, but any reminder of the fact that he's gone just sets me off again.
My TL and friend pulled me aside at work and asked if I was okay. That got the tears started.
I mentioned the fact that I got pulled aside at work to my personal trainer while at the gym. Shed some tears then too.
Now I'm reading a fanfic and a character's parent ends up in hospital after a health scare. The character's son kisses the sick grandparent on the temple and it made me realise that I didn't do that. That at the funeral, I just held my godfather's hand and didn't even get to give him a kiss goodbye. Tell him how much I loved him. That I wish I'd seen him again before he died. That I wish I could have taken care of him somehow.
You know, last year, I was looking online at property prices of flats in LA. I wanted to see if it was possible for us to buy an investment property near where he currently lived so he wouldn't have to worry about rent or living in a crappy shithole with potheads. He could work if he wanted to, but it would mean that he had a few less things to worry about.
I wish I'd been able to see him alive one last time.
I wish that family holidays hadn't forced me to use all of my annual leave last year so I could have gone to see him in January earlier this year with my mum and brother.
I wish that I'd insisted more to going back to LA for a family holiday.
I wish he had taken care of himself and his health.
I wish he'd had someone there to force him to go see a doctor when his stomach pains started.
I wish they'd never moved to LA in the first place. They were perfectly fine and healthy and happy living where they were.
I wish that he'd had a chance to actually enjoy life. He'd been working hard taking care of his mum and siblings since he was 15yo and my grandfather died on his birthday, and then taking care of his wife and children when he was older. He was 60yo and still working to send money to his children when he died.
I wish I'd gotten to hug him one last time and feel him breathing against me.
I wish I'd told him that I loved him and heard him say it back.
I wish he wasn't dead.
I wish he was still alive and healthy and cracking jokes like he's always done for my entire life.
I miss him so much.