(no subject)
I can't decide how I feel. I think it's mostly pathetic and alone.
I fucked up with Rachel. I completely forgot that her Grandma is sick, and that she lives in NY. Why did I assume business trip? Because I'm a shitty friend.
I've come to the realization that I'm just a shitty friend. I don't communicate well and I have an awful memory, and I'm boring and I'm needy and I whine or complain all the time. I'm trying to focus on being happier towards other people, and be more interested in their lives. I need to try harder. It's seriously so hurtful that I am no longer close with anyone. I don't feel like I can just open up completely with anyone anymore. I hate censoring myself because I have a bad memory and I forget what I have or haven't or shouldn't have told people... I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I ran half a mile today! I went to CRCE and walked a 1/4, rand a 1/4 for a mile. That made me feel pretty great, although my leg was falling off. It was encouraging. At least one thing in my life is (well, the internship is pretty sweet too).
I need to get a present for Jake I think. Or do something really nice for him. Like a thank you/wedding gift...
What's bothering me right now is that I miss Ian. I think really though I just miss being close to someone. But, I really don't feel all that lonely right now. Both of my roommates are home and I spent a lot of time today with Jen. I DO have friends and I DO have people who care about me, so it's not like I'm trying to force Ian into being close with me by being physical with him... I think I actaully have a crush on him. I need to stop telling myself how I feel and just feel. I keep trying to justify my feelings towards him as projections or denial or whatever.. but why judge myself? He sucks, that's why...
But we had pillow talk the other night... I didn't even want to. We had finished and I was in pain (I can NOT go almost 2 months without) and we were spooning and I was falling asleep and he wouldn't stalk talking to me! He brought up Acapulco again and whenever he does that I assume he wants me to be his girlfriend. But he really doesn't give me any signs. I just need something to girl out about and I have nothing at school so I make shit up. It just feels nice to be held and cared about.
Flute paper- almost done
Cumulative physics exam- gross
final 355 exam- need an 85.. should be easy
457 final paper- uh-oh
I fucked up with Rachel. I completely forgot that her Grandma is sick, and that she lives in NY. Why did I assume business trip? Because I'm a shitty friend.
I've come to the realization that I'm just a shitty friend. I don't communicate well and I have an awful memory, and I'm boring and I'm needy and I whine or complain all the time. I'm trying to focus on being happier towards other people, and be more interested in their lives. I need to try harder. It's seriously so hurtful that I am no longer close with anyone. I don't feel like I can just open up completely with anyone anymore. I hate censoring myself because I have a bad memory and I forget what I have or haven't or shouldn't have told people... I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
I ran half a mile today! I went to CRCE and walked a 1/4, rand a 1/4 for a mile. That made me feel pretty great, although my leg was falling off. It was encouraging. At least one thing in my life is (well, the internship is pretty sweet too).
I need to get a present for Jake I think. Or do something really nice for him. Like a thank you/wedding gift...
What's bothering me right now is that I miss Ian. I think really though I just miss being close to someone. But, I really don't feel all that lonely right now. Both of my roommates are home and I spent a lot of time today with Jen. I DO have friends and I DO have people who care about me, so it's not like I'm trying to force Ian into being close with me by being physical with him... I think I actaully have a crush on him. I need to stop telling myself how I feel and just feel. I keep trying to justify my feelings towards him as projections or denial or whatever.. but why judge myself? He sucks, that's why...
But we had pillow talk the other night... I didn't even want to. We had finished and I was in pain (I can NOT go almost 2 months without) and we were spooning and I was falling asleep and he wouldn't stalk talking to me! He brought up Acapulco again and whenever he does that I assume he wants me to be his girlfriend. But he really doesn't give me any signs. I just need something to girl out about and I have nothing at school so I make shit up. It just feels nice to be held and cared about.
Flute paper- almost done
Cumulative physics exam- gross
final 355 exam- need an 85.. should be easy
457 final paper- uh-oh