Dancing around ashes.
It makes me feel kind of cynical that I don't really see myself as dancing in the streets if/when Barack gets elected. Not that I don't think he should be elected, because I really want him to, but because I honestly don't believe that it's going to make that much difference. No, I mean, of course it's going to be huge to not have Bush in power and if it's McCain, well I 'll be kind of devastated, so... why is it that I am not seeing myself dancing in the streets if Obama gets elected ?
Hmmm, maybe I just don't see myself dancing in the streets for any reason.
Hmm.
Maybe I should find reasons for things that make me want to dance in the streets.
Lately, though things are good, I feel like death or ilness is always looming or something.
I don't know, I am trying to process something here...can you see it ? Can you see what it is, because I can't sem to get at it.
I read a blog yesterday of a women who asked people what things they would do if they had 37 days before death. You know...there are lots of different versions of this. On this blog, a man that I kind of knew as a theatre blogger said that he had realized by doing the project that he had always thought he would die when he reaches 60, because his father died at 60. So he was living his life as if. Until he reached 60 and lived and realized he wanted to live his life as if it was eternal. He said time expanded for him and he was amazed how much more he was able to do and take on.
When I read that post, I started wondering if I think I only have until 59 in this life.
Which means that I would have only 23 years to live and considering all that I want to do, that would certainly be anxiety inducing at my age. I am sure on some level, I think that.
But I don't really know how to shift that except to remember that it's probably not true and that we really don't know when we die and it could happen at any time really.
So... is that why I don't feel like there is anything that is worth of dancing in the streets for ?
I don't know.
Is everyone else just pretending that they want to dance in the streets for things ?
Is this an American thing that I will never understand ?
This perpetual search for and display of happiness unleashed ?
Children are in touch with that.
Children are in touch with this dancing.
But they don't do it because this guy got elected or because they won the lottery. They do it because their body tells them to do it and because they don't know they're going to die someday. They do it because the moment is right. Without reason.
What am I trying to get at ?
Can you see it yet ?
It's almost the same thing as this thing that simultaneously repulses and attracts me to Burning Man ( though you wouldn't catch me dead saying that I am attracted to Burning Man - but really I am, it's just, that, well, it repulses me at the same time).
I'm seeing themes here.
Push vs pull.
French vs American.
People who still have their mother vs people who don't ( ie , me).
Togetherness vs aloneness.
Alienation vs belonging.
Love vs hate.
Life vs date.
I know these themes run my life. But don't they run most of everyone's life.
It is the stuff that makes for good theatre but as far as living, it makes for anxious living.
We are close to the day when ( 3 years ago) I watched my mother's ashes fly into the wind and dissolve into the oceans. That kind of image never really leaves you.
That we can be so little and so much all at once.
That we can be flesh and blood, talk, laughter, limbs, sweat, dance, dreams and fears... and suddenly... powder.
I'll never know what I am getting at here, but the exploration of it is what makes my life worth living.
When I get to the dancing, I'll let you know.
Hmmm, maybe I just don't see myself dancing in the streets for any reason.
Hmm.
Maybe I should find reasons for things that make me want to dance in the streets.
Lately, though things are good, I feel like death or ilness is always looming or something.
I don't know, I am trying to process something here...can you see it ? Can you see what it is, because I can't sem to get at it.
I read a blog yesterday of a women who asked people what things they would do if they had 37 days before death. You know...there are lots of different versions of this. On this blog, a man that I kind of knew as a theatre blogger said that he had realized by doing the project that he had always thought he would die when he reaches 60, because his father died at 60. So he was living his life as if. Until he reached 60 and lived and realized he wanted to live his life as if it was eternal. He said time expanded for him and he was amazed how much more he was able to do and take on.
When I read that post, I started wondering if I think I only have until 59 in this life.
Which means that I would have only 23 years to live and considering all that I want to do, that would certainly be anxiety inducing at my age. I am sure on some level, I think that.
But I don't really know how to shift that except to remember that it's probably not true and that we really don't know when we die and it could happen at any time really.
So... is that why I don't feel like there is anything that is worth of dancing in the streets for ?
I don't know.
Is everyone else just pretending that they want to dance in the streets for things ?
Is this an American thing that I will never understand ?
This perpetual search for and display of happiness unleashed ?
Children are in touch with that.
Children are in touch with this dancing.
But they don't do it because this guy got elected or because they won the lottery. They do it because their body tells them to do it and because they don't know they're going to die someday. They do it because the moment is right. Without reason.
What am I trying to get at ?
Can you see it yet ?
It's almost the same thing as this thing that simultaneously repulses and attracts me to Burning Man ( though you wouldn't catch me dead saying that I am attracted to Burning Man - but really I am, it's just, that, well, it repulses me at the same time).
I'm seeing themes here.
Push vs pull.
French vs American.
People who still have their mother vs people who don't ( ie , me).
Togetherness vs aloneness.
Alienation vs belonging.
Love vs hate.
Life vs date.
I know these themes run my life. But don't they run most of everyone's life.
It is the stuff that makes for good theatre but as far as living, it makes for anxious living.
We are close to the day when ( 3 years ago) I watched my mother's ashes fly into the wind and dissolve into the oceans. That kind of image never really leaves you.
That we can be so little and so much all at once.
That we can be flesh and blood, talk, laughter, limbs, sweat, dance, dreams and fears... and suddenly... powder.
I'll never know what I am getting at here, but the exploration of it is what makes my life worth living.
When I get to the dancing, I'll let you know.