(no subject)
As 2006 draws to a close, I remember the year.
Of course moving here has probally been the most dramatic thing, from what spawned from that has been interesting. I really feel that I am becoming myself down here, slowly, but surely. A feat which would have been impossible in AK, for the oppurtunities of realization simply don't exist. I know now my goal in life is to persue Philosophy to the highest degree, it's really where I want and need to be. I also realized my dreams of becoming a Drag Queen. I know most of you associate that with homosexuality and will say something like, "Just admit it Kevin", but no, drag is much more then a silly genre of sexuality. Drag for most is an expression of their suppressed being, for me, it is being. It's the art I will express, it's everything I have ever wanted from performance and as anyone who knows me will compliment, I am performance. Over the past while I have also come to terms with who I am. I am not, or ever will be, a social being. Through constant conditioning I keep trying to sustain this failure of "people person". I am supposed to be attending parties, supposed to have friends calling me all the time, supposed to not like being by myself. But I do and do not. I hate parties, I hate drinking, I hate empty social relations, I hate pretending emotions, I hate accepted conversation, I am alone, and will always be. When I do have friends, they become very meaningful, very intimate, few and far between, but THERE, unlike "supossed to be." I do not, however, like being by myself all the time. I do get lonely, but I refuse to harbor synthetic realationships, I am waiting, and have found, but seperated, some people who share my goals. Everything that I have ever wanted to do is being done here in SF. Concerts of bands, plays, culture, poverty, money, and filth. Art, drugs, liturature, dancing, and full disclosure. San Francisco is everything I have ever drempt. I only wish my friends back home can be here to expierence this with me. I can't remember or don't wish to describe everything I have accomplished here, but the revelation of difference from AK is stark and has changed me, hopefully for the better.
Now I await my return to AK, for just the right amount of time. I really want to fullfill so many things. I know that some oppurtunities are closed off, others aren't worth it due to time constraints, but in all I can't wait.
Of course moving here has probally been the most dramatic thing, from what spawned from that has been interesting. I really feel that I am becoming myself down here, slowly, but surely. A feat which would have been impossible in AK, for the oppurtunities of realization simply don't exist. I know now my goal in life is to persue Philosophy to the highest degree, it's really where I want and need to be. I also realized my dreams of becoming a Drag Queen. I know most of you associate that with homosexuality and will say something like, "Just admit it Kevin", but no, drag is much more then a silly genre of sexuality. Drag for most is an expression of their suppressed being, for me, it is being. It's the art I will express, it's everything I have ever wanted from performance and as anyone who knows me will compliment, I am performance. Over the past while I have also come to terms with who I am. I am not, or ever will be, a social being. Through constant conditioning I keep trying to sustain this failure of "people person". I am supposed to be attending parties, supposed to have friends calling me all the time, supposed to not like being by myself. But I do and do not. I hate parties, I hate drinking, I hate empty social relations, I hate pretending emotions, I hate accepted conversation, I am alone, and will always be. When I do have friends, they become very meaningful, very intimate, few and far between, but THERE, unlike "supossed to be." I do not, however, like being by myself all the time. I do get lonely, but I refuse to harbor synthetic realationships, I am waiting, and have found, but seperated, some people who share my goals. Everything that I have ever wanted to do is being done here in SF. Concerts of bands, plays, culture, poverty, money, and filth. Art, drugs, liturature, dancing, and full disclosure. San Francisco is everything I have ever drempt. I only wish my friends back home can be here to expierence this with me. I can't remember or don't wish to describe everything I have accomplished here, but the revelation of difference from AK is stark and has changed me, hopefully for the better.
Now I await my return to AK, for just the right amount of time. I really want to fullfill so many things. I know that some oppurtunities are closed off, others aren't worth it due to time constraints, but in all I can't wait.