(no subject)
Long Overdue
Umm, its been a long time. And I know no one is out there anymore to read this. This is more for my own sanity. I find it difficult to talk to myself, because I'm so discombobulated most of the time. I usually answer myself with "I don't know", which isn't the answer i'm looking for. Its gotten to the point where I feel no one really knows me, and what I want/need the most, is someone to understand me. But before I get into that, I think I should update you on what has happened since the last time I posted (this is for when I become old and senile and go back and read this haha).
Of course I graduated, which was lackluster. Don't know if I mentioned that I decided not to walk at my graduation because my cousin Mikey was graduating the next week, so I felt his graduation was more important than mine. And it was in my eyes, so I convinced my family not to come to graduation becuase, I didn't walk lol. Summer was also lack luster, did some things with Louisiana 4-H (which they paid me for), worked at chilis in Baton Rouge, Shreveport, and Ruston, and stayed with my brothers. Not much else, just met alot of people. After the summer, I moved back to Baton Rouge into my old place and stayed and worked at Chilis (Siegen Lane, my original store) and played with Pancakes and Bananas and bartended alot, it was very therapeutic. My mom convinced me and my brother to take the professional test to work for the state, so I did, and I made a 95 out of 99. The test was really easy (to me at least) and I was angry that I had missed a question. I applied for a job and got one in shreveport, doing what I THOUGHT was Child protective services. It wasn't, so I wasn't too happy. Right before my job started, I got to host the Southern Regional Conference in Biloxi, MS, and got to say goodbye to the outgoing americorps members. That was so fun, I loved that place and the SRC 4-H members were great. I got to see Christy, and the Tolars, Jerry, Nicole, and got to travel a little bit. But after the conference, I had to move home, so I had no rest afterwards. I started my job on November 24th, and hated it from the start. I was starting to like it, the job was easy; my unit was amazingly awesome, and what not. But as you all know, I have a problem with sleeping, so I slept often due to not having enough work, and it bothered me and others alot. It really isn't my fault, I just don't understand it, but no one understood that I couldn't control always being sleepy. Whatever, not the point, the point is that having a nice stable job, in a place where I had no friends, no other life, and no fun, was not for me. It was kinda depressing, and so I quit. It wasn't pre-empted, but i'm really stubborn and couldn't make myself not do it. I don't regret it though, so I guess that makes it somewhat better.
So here we are now, a month later. But for some reason, my family now depresses me, so I have been avoiding any contact with them. They call, and it makes my heart pound. And I can only think that they only want something out of me. It sucks, I know its not true, but I feel that way, and I can only think of the negative things. I've been couch surfing for the past month, its been kinda fun, but i'm still not in a good state of mind. I don't know what to tell people when they ask questions, I haven't talked to my family in that long, and have no intentions of doing so. And you might say i'm immature, but they don't need me, and its not like i'm depriving them of anythign they don't already have. But whatever.
So I went to Post Secret today, and for some reason, they site always makes me tear up. I would love to send in one, but I have so much to say. I still feel like a monster. I hate what i've become, I wish I could go back to highschool when I slightly less evil but still cared about everyone. I wish I could do alot of things over, but thats what life is about. You'll never be able to do everything right, and you don't get a do over like in a game. Its not all bad, its a learning experience, its humbling if people actually learn the lesson. I want so badly to gain patience, and to be in a place that I actually want to be in. Well, I think i've covered what I wanted to say. Yeah. The end