Tales from the Boobie Bar!
Nowadays I work not as a dancer, but as a door woman at a local gentleman's club. It's fairly easy-collect cover charges, check alcohol (it's a BYOB club), and answer the phone. Since it's apparently also rather controversial to have a gentleman's club in this area, I also deal with the media and upset townies.
On to the suck!
I worked Saturday night. Right before midnight, the phone rang.
Me=Polite receptionist sort.
G=Guy
Me=[Club name] gentleman's club, [Me] speaking, how can I help you?
G=Yeah, I wanted to know...[woman laughing in the background]...if I show up in fifteen minutes, do I still have to pay the cover?
Me=*I glance at my watch. It's only 11:45pm, and we're open till two* Yes sir! Cover is charged up until 1:45am, at which point...*is cut off*
G=[woman in the background is still laughing. It's getting annoying] Right, but, what if we show up and there's only six cars in your lot?
Me=Actually, our lot is nearly full. There are a few spaces available, though.
G=*sarcastically* Oh, it's NEARLY full.
Me=Yes, nearly. *note: it's a big goddamn parking lot. The building used to be an upscale restaurant.*
G=*snarkily* Oh, well thank you so MUCH. We'll be there at 1:45am.
Me=But, sir...
G=*hangs up*
Okay.
So, 1:45am rolls around. (Side note: parking lot is still full =P) I'm getting ready to go. And who strolls up to the door but the man that called with the woman laughing in the background!
They reach out for the door handle, and pull.
And pull.
And look confused.
And pull some more.
See, he kept interrupting me on the phone. I was TRYING to tell him that when we stop charging cover, we also stop letting new customers in.
:)
So, they kept gesturing for me to open the door. I go and grab a bouncer, who goes out to talk to them. They were quite unhappy, and attempted to claim that I was rude on the phone and hung up on them-but since the bouncer was right beside me during the phone call (they don't leave me out in the lobby alone, obviously), he gently corrected the man's memory and sent them on their way :)
Now, I understand that going to a club for the first time, especially in a large group, is fun and exciting. Really, I do. But if there are eighteen of you, we need cooperation from you.
Cooperation means simply this: realize that I have only two hands. If one person is paying me, please don't walk up and thrust the $20 in my face. First-don't put your hands back here when my register is open. Second-TWO. HANDS. I cannot take six people's money and give out six wristbands at a time. It's just an impossibility. You are only impeding your own progress towards the boobies, because I will slam my drawer shut, stand up, and instruct you in my best teacher voice to line up, single file.
Do not try to get in with a fake ID. Our bouncers are very good at spotting them. Yes, have fun sulking in the limo, kid.
Yes, the birthday boy and your limo driver got in for free. It's a courtesy my club extends-for the birthday boy, because it's his birthday, and for the limo driver since he's keeping all you morons off the road. We love limo drivers.
If you ARE the birthday boy, and your girlfriend spent $1000 on a stretch Hummer, as well as buying you a hot seat on stage with the hottest girls we have, please do NOT disrespect her efforts by running out of the club, across the parking lot, up and down the highway, and then into the hotel parking lot with two of your friends, where you commence fighting with said two friends 'for fun'. Poor girl was upset and worried, and waited in the lobby for you.
As a side note, one of the unwritten rules of a strip club is NO RUNNING. It makes our bouncers twitchy, and makes you look shady.
We weren't sorry to see you leave.
I know there's been some issues and controversy over this club. I know the township has tried (in vain) to get us shut down. I know the local papers erroneously reported that we were closed, and I know that same feed went out to the local radio stations. I don't blame you a bit for thinking we were closed.
However. If you call the club, and I answer, that's clue #1 that we're probably open. When you ask if we're open, and I say yes, that's clue #2.
Please don't keep insisting that we're closed. Really. I wouldn't be here unless I was getting paid.
This woman kept arguing with me about it. "BUT THE PAPER SAID..." Yes, I know what the paper said-yesterday. The erroneous report went out on Friday during the day. Friday evening, a reporter stopped by the club, and I assured him we were open. Saturday morning, the retraction article (as well as profuse apologies to my club for costing us money) went out. And here we are on Saturday night, and you're still insisting we're closed.
No.
I had to pass her off to my manager because she just wasn't listening. She argued with him for ten minutes, then hung up.
Bwah?
But thanks-
To the sweet young guy who originally showed up in a teeshirt and jeans-we let you slide on the dress code since this is our first week open. It was quite cute, though, when you came out of the club ten minutes later, proclaiming that you had to go home and get changed into something nicer because "Those girls are so pretty, and I feel so dirty, I want to spruce up a little." About a half hour after that, you showed back up, looking quite nice :) On your way out, you proclaimed "I LOVE THIS BAR!" Thank you for being sweet, upbeat, and positive without being creepy :)
To the kind reporter-thank you for the apologies and for fixing your co-workers mistake.
And to all the assorted customers who wished us luck in our legal battles :)