freaking a.
a as in apples of course.
its defenitely been awhile since i wrote on here. i dont know if thats good or bad. i suppose i'll start to become addicted again. maybe. *shrugs* anyway so i'm in a musical at the bay city players called "meet me in st louis" its based on a judy garland film. its good times. its really like a dream come true for me. being a lead in a musical, love story none the less. i've always wanted to sing a duet with a man. i know that may sound weird. but its okay i promise. and it doesnt mean anything against ben. its just acting, and when i'm acting i'm someone completely different. its hard to explain. but trust me. i love ben and am completely faithful to him.
i started seeing another psychologist last week. she's nice. i cant think of her name right nwo though. haha woops. i see her tomorrow again. i'm actually kind of excited about it. i always dreaded seeing my counselor before, she always made me feel horrible. i really dont think this lady will. i mean i know i'm going to feel like crap while i'm there and stuff, but the idea is that in the long run i'll be better. i have a tendency to run away from things and just shove them in a corner somewhere. but the stuff in the corner builds up and pretty soon your whole room is a mess. and in order to clean it you have to go through everything. which i need to do literally with my bedroom and metaphorically with my mind/heart. i just wish everything could be better. and ya know, the more i think about it, the more i realize that i've had this stuff my whole life. i cant truly say "i wish things were simple like when i was a kid", cuz looking back, things weren't simple. sure, they could have been a lot worse, but i def had my problems. i think about all the stupid OCD problems i had even in elementary school and i get unbelievably ticked off. especially because no one noticed. and i thought it was just normal for so long. now i realize, no that isnt normal, your screwed up.
you wouldnt know it from looking at me. even my closest friends have no idea what i go through every freaking day. most people can take a vacation and get away from their problems, give themselves a chance to breathe for a few days. i can't do that. because the problem is me. i dont mean to sound like the typical life-hates-me-depressed-teenage-girl, but i guess i kind of am. kind of. the problem isnt me, its my mind. or something. i cant even explain it. its just like sometimes there is someone else inside of me, fighting to get out. and its scary as hell. its mass confusion trying to figure out what thoughts are mine and what thoughts are the fault of my "mental illness". like what the crap is that anyway? just a technical term for being possessed? seriously.
softball season is coming up. i already practiced a few times. i'm sore now. like seriously sore. a body massage would be nice. heh. i also am in the mood to die dye things lately. i tried to with some leftover dye from our easter egg kit. i dont think its going to work. my hands however, are a lovely shade of green. = )
its defenitely been awhile since i wrote on here. i dont know if thats good or bad. i suppose i'll start to become addicted again. maybe. *shrugs* anyway so i'm in a musical at the bay city players called "meet me in st louis" its based on a judy garland film. its good times. its really like a dream come true for me. being a lead in a musical, love story none the less. i've always wanted to sing a duet with a man. i know that may sound weird. but its okay i promise. and it doesnt mean anything against ben. its just acting, and when i'm acting i'm someone completely different. its hard to explain. but trust me. i love ben and am completely faithful to him.
i started seeing another psychologist last week. she's nice. i cant think of her name right nwo though. haha woops. i see her tomorrow again. i'm actually kind of excited about it. i always dreaded seeing my counselor before, she always made me feel horrible. i really dont think this lady will. i mean i know i'm going to feel like crap while i'm there and stuff, but the idea is that in the long run i'll be better. i have a tendency to run away from things and just shove them in a corner somewhere. but the stuff in the corner builds up and pretty soon your whole room is a mess. and in order to clean it you have to go through everything. which i need to do literally with my bedroom and metaphorically with my mind/heart. i just wish everything could be better. and ya know, the more i think about it, the more i realize that i've had this stuff my whole life. i cant truly say "i wish things were simple like when i was a kid", cuz looking back, things weren't simple. sure, they could have been a lot worse, but i def had my problems. i think about all the stupid OCD problems i had even in elementary school and i get unbelievably ticked off. especially because no one noticed. and i thought it was just normal for so long. now i realize, no that isnt normal, your screwed up.
you wouldnt know it from looking at me. even my closest friends have no idea what i go through every freaking day. most people can take a vacation and get away from their problems, give themselves a chance to breathe for a few days. i can't do that. because the problem is me. i dont mean to sound like the typical life-hates-me-depressed-teenage-girl, but i guess i kind of am. kind of. the problem isnt me, its my mind. or something. i cant even explain it. its just like sometimes there is someone else inside of me, fighting to get out. and its scary as hell. its mass confusion trying to figure out what thoughts are mine and what thoughts are the fault of my "mental illness". like what the crap is that anyway? just a technical term for being possessed? seriously.
softball season is coming up. i already practiced a few times. i'm sore now. like seriously sore. a body massage would be nice. heh. i also am in the mood to die dye things lately. i tried to with some leftover dye from our easter egg kit. i dont think its going to work. my hands however, are a lovely shade of green. = )