Just keep swimming.
Wow it's been awhile. I'm starting to see a counselor again. This is good. I go for my second appointment tomorrow night. I'm also going to see a psychiatrist. My counselor thinks there's most likely a chemical thing going on with me, and she's thinking it might be bipolar disorder. So, going to a psychiatrist would properly diagnose me.
I'll be honest, I'm scared. But I think more than anything, I'm scared that she's wrong about the bipolar. Not that I want to have the stupid thing, but because it would explain a lot. I think anyway... I guess i'm just sick of being the way i am and not having any clue what the heck is wrong with me. And i'm sick of telling myself over and over that I AM normal, and I'm just clinging to all these disorders to get attention and run away from the fact that I am such a loser. I'm tired of dealing with this. And I am tired of thinking i finally figured out what is wrong with me and clinging to that, only to find out I was wrong and that maybe isnt it. I want to be diagnosed. I'm ready. I dont care what they tell me, I just want to know that there really is something wrong and i'm not just crazy.
I want to go through a day where my mood doesnt dramatically change in one second for no apparent reason at all. I want to believe that Ben loves me. And I want to believe that everything is okay. I want to believe that other people love me too, and that all these things I sometimes think of myself are wrong. I want to be normal. I want to do what I feel like doing, and not worry about what other people think or being nervous about it, but yet not completely going off my rocker because i feel like such a free spirit, and then later ask myself what i was thinking.
I want someone to save me from myself.
I'm ready to go home Lord. Give me the strength to keep going.
I'll be honest, I'm scared. But I think more than anything, I'm scared that she's wrong about the bipolar. Not that I want to have the stupid thing, but because it would explain a lot. I think anyway... I guess i'm just sick of being the way i am and not having any clue what the heck is wrong with me. And i'm sick of telling myself over and over that I AM normal, and I'm just clinging to all these disorders to get attention and run away from the fact that I am such a loser. I'm tired of dealing with this. And I am tired of thinking i finally figured out what is wrong with me and clinging to that, only to find out I was wrong and that maybe isnt it. I want to be diagnosed. I'm ready. I dont care what they tell me, I just want to know that there really is something wrong and i'm not just crazy.
I want to go through a day where my mood doesnt dramatically change in one second for no apparent reason at all. I want to believe that Ben loves me. And I want to believe that everything is okay. I want to believe that other people love me too, and that all these things I sometimes think of myself are wrong. I want to be normal. I want to do what I feel like doing, and not worry about what other people think or being nervous about it, but yet not completely going off my rocker because i feel like such a free spirit, and then later ask myself what i was thinking.
I want someone to save me from myself.
I'm ready to go home Lord. Give me the strength to keep going.