(no subject)

[bonzichipichan]

Jan:

Maybe everyone is right...?
maybe i should just give up...?
would it make you all happy...?
not me...

my chest us really starting to hurt now...
i have to get checked out as soon as possible...
i honestly believe that it could be cancer...
if so i had it coming...
all of my fucked up descisions...
my drug induced lifestyle...
my go with the flow lifestyle...

starting to sweat on controlably...

I am tired of all of this "love" bullshit...
love like hate is too strong of a word...
dont feed people this bull shit about love unless you have no doubt that you have the feeling...

i think maybe i should just distance myself until i feel better...
i have been going through some tough times lately...
i'm not going to share any of this with any of you...
no matter how concered you may get...
i just need time to think my life through...

i almost hope its cancer...
will let me know that all of this will be over soon...

my heart rate has risen to double speed...
losing feeling in my limbs...
focusing on staying awake...
oi can feel the beat of my heart...
everywhere on my body...
pounding, and pounding...

...
getting agitated...
wishing to insue pain...
its all i have felt for who knows how long...
i dont remember the last time i was truely happy...

actually i can...
see if you can guess...
probably not...

when i get home i will say my hellos...
and shortly after my farewells...
not perminent obviously...
but i will not be talking for some time..

the tear rolls down my cheek...
let them come..
its been too long...
way too long...

........