Who I was and am ...
I've been thinking a lot lately about my struggles with depression. I recently looked back a few years in my journal and can see just how much I was struggling, even then. I think I've been having issues in this area for a very long time, long enough that I think my brain probably thinks that being depressed is something of a normal state of being. I think it works pretty hard towards maintaining that depressed state, since for all it seems to know that IS my normal state.
I was the topic of a recent conversation where someone mentioned having preferred to remember me the way I was back a few years ago. I agree, back in that time it was just about the only happy year I can remember. And really, that one year was something of an oasis, a brief moment in time where I actually felt more confident in myself and found something to be happy about, something I could skip to. The years both before and after that one year were not exactly happy in any comparable sense.
Looking back, it almost seems as if my depressed mood has been more of a personality trait than an occasional happening. But in all honesty, my childhood outright sucked and the biggest memory I have of being a young kid is constantly thinking about how I couldn't wait to be an adult, to make my own decisions, to not be held at the whims and wills of people who really didn't have my best interests in mind. I have years where I can remember little else but rejection and shame, feeling as if no one was really interested in having me around. Some of this came out blatantly in words. At other times, it was plainly shown through actions.
While I like to look back on that one really happy year with fond memories, I also have to look back on that charming fellow I once was with a more critical eye. I was much more naive then, idealistic to a fault. For the first time in my life I felt like I was free, making my own choices ... yet I was also woefully unprepared for life, lacking any real skills in coping with catastrophe and all the tough things life throws at you.
Of course I have a lot of mixed feelings about my childhood. On one end, I'm eternally frustrated and bitter about not having a better one, about not being taught all the life skills I feel I really could have used but never developed before reaching adulthood. On the other hand, my parents (and other biologically-related people who may or may not have had a hand in all thins) are of course human and saturated with their own issues. Unfortunately, many of those issues were passed right on down to me. No wonder "breaking the cycle" is such a big vocabulary term to talk about within families.
I'm worried that I've become a nasty, embittered person. I feel lacking in many of the better experiences in life and far too overburdened with the unpleasant ones. I worry that having a chronic illness has left me incapable of having a happier life, not to mention the worry and pain that accompanies having a spouse who also has a chronic illness. And I'm especially worried that by this point, I'm far too damaged to ever have hope of finding my way out of all of this, that my ability to experience joy and ecstasy are now forever lost to me. And I'm also concerned that my ability to push people away has simply become my standard and unconscious modus operandi and an exceptional skill, for better or for worse. Though I don't blame this on the distance I've put between me and my biological family ... no, I do that because association just brings up all sorts of reminders of the pain I usually carry but pretend isn't there. I've had enough rejection from that source to know better than to associate with them on a regular basis.
As far as pushing people away goes, I think what I'm really doing is almost an unconscious test of sorts. It's like I push people away to get a feel for how much they really do like me, a test of whether or not they're going to eventually reject me for X, Y, or Z. Because it's a lot easier to push people away than to trust in people and end up getting hurt by them. A self defense mechanism of sorts, perhaps, though possibly a faulty one. I do that with a number of things, I think. I don't want people to choose my suggestion, for example, unless they really want that option. I can't stand people choosing my suggestions simply because they're being nice. I don't like "owing" anything to anyone, having any favours done for me. Too many times in my past such "favours" are often used as fodder in arguments against you. Sure, someone might be generous, but as soon as you cross them the first thing they do is make you feel guilty for having done you any favours. No, thank you. I'll just do things on my own and then you won't have anything to hold over my head.
I've had to do a lot of thinking over these issues. Is there some way to rationalize everything, to work it out in my head so I can find a reason to keep going. I certainly wouldn't worship any creator that gave us this much hardship (and why does the act of creation deserve worship?) and nihilism while appealing doesn't really give the amount of fuel life requires. At some point I have to think about believing in people, because to believe in people is to believe in myself ... but that's not exactly the easiest of things in which to believe.
My whole life I've been taught that I'm not important, that much that is me should be rejected, that my feelings and thoughts are insignificant. The resulting, chronic feelings of lacking self worth are probably a big contributor to my depression. It would be great to have some sort of positive reinforcement towards my self esteem, but that's just not something I can rely upon from other people. So where does one find the strength (and skills) for such an endeavor?
Anyhow, this is just some of the stuff I'm trying to work through. I hated growing up so much, it was a terrible realization when I discovered that adult life had just as much hardship, just as much heartache, just as much negative reinforcement as my younger years ... and I was just as powerless to do anything about it. Somehow I have to rationalize all of it, however, because my current set of experience hasn't really proven to me that life has anything to offer but misery, and that's no way to 'live.'
I was the topic of a recent conversation where someone mentioned having preferred to remember me the way I was back a few years ago. I agree, back in that time it was just about the only happy year I can remember. And really, that one year was something of an oasis, a brief moment in time where I actually felt more confident in myself and found something to be happy about, something I could skip to. The years both before and after that one year were not exactly happy in any comparable sense.
Looking back, it almost seems as if my depressed mood has been more of a personality trait than an occasional happening. But in all honesty, my childhood outright sucked and the biggest memory I have of being a young kid is constantly thinking about how I couldn't wait to be an adult, to make my own decisions, to not be held at the whims and wills of people who really didn't have my best interests in mind. I have years where I can remember little else but rejection and shame, feeling as if no one was really interested in having me around. Some of this came out blatantly in words. At other times, it was plainly shown through actions.
While I like to look back on that one really happy year with fond memories, I also have to look back on that charming fellow I once was with a more critical eye. I was much more naive then, idealistic to a fault. For the first time in my life I felt like I was free, making my own choices ... yet I was also woefully unprepared for life, lacking any real skills in coping with catastrophe and all the tough things life throws at you.
Of course I have a lot of mixed feelings about my childhood. On one end, I'm eternally frustrated and bitter about not having a better one, about not being taught all the life skills I feel I really could have used but never developed before reaching adulthood. On the other hand, my parents (and other biologically-related people who may or may not have had a hand in all thins) are of course human and saturated with their own issues. Unfortunately, many of those issues were passed right on down to me. No wonder "breaking the cycle" is such a big vocabulary term to talk about within families.
I'm worried that I've become a nasty, embittered person. I feel lacking in many of the better experiences in life and far too overburdened with the unpleasant ones. I worry that having a chronic illness has left me incapable of having a happier life, not to mention the worry and pain that accompanies having a spouse who also has a chronic illness. And I'm especially worried that by this point, I'm far too damaged to ever have hope of finding my way out of all of this, that my ability to experience joy and ecstasy are now forever lost to me. And I'm also concerned that my ability to push people away has simply become my standard and unconscious modus operandi and an exceptional skill, for better or for worse. Though I don't blame this on the distance I've put between me and my biological family ... no, I do that because association just brings up all sorts of reminders of the pain I usually carry but pretend isn't there. I've had enough rejection from that source to know better than to associate with them on a regular basis.
As far as pushing people away goes, I think what I'm really doing is almost an unconscious test of sorts. It's like I push people away to get a feel for how much they really do like me, a test of whether or not they're going to eventually reject me for X, Y, or Z. Because it's a lot easier to push people away than to trust in people and end up getting hurt by them. A self defense mechanism of sorts, perhaps, though possibly a faulty one. I do that with a number of things, I think. I don't want people to choose my suggestion, for example, unless they really want that option. I can't stand people choosing my suggestions simply because they're being nice. I don't like "owing" anything to anyone, having any favours done for me. Too many times in my past such "favours" are often used as fodder in arguments against you. Sure, someone might be generous, but as soon as you cross them the first thing they do is make you feel guilty for having done you any favours. No, thank you. I'll just do things on my own and then you won't have anything to hold over my head.
I've had to do a lot of thinking over these issues. Is there some way to rationalize everything, to work it out in my head so I can find a reason to keep going. I certainly wouldn't worship any creator that gave us this much hardship (and why does the act of creation deserve worship?) and nihilism while appealing doesn't really give the amount of fuel life requires. At some point I have to think about believing in people, because to believe in people is to believe in myself ... but that's not exactly the easiest of things in which to believe.
My whole life I've been taught that I'm not important, that much that is me should be rejected, that my feelings and thoughts are insignificant. The resulting, chronic feelings of lacking self worth are probably a big contributor to my depression. It would be great to have some sort of positive reinforcement towards my self esteem, but that's just not something I can rely upon from other people. So where does one find the strength (and skills) for such an endeavor?
Anyhow, this is just some of the stuff I'm trying to work through. I hated growing up so much, it was a terrible realization when I discovered that adult life had just as much hardship, just as much heartache, just as much negative reinforcement as my younger years ... and I was just as powerless to do anything about it. Somehow I have to rationalize all of it, however, because my current set of experience hasn't really proven to me that life has anything to offer but misery, and that's no way to 'live.'