(no subject)
There seems to be a perpetual gap between whom I am and who I want to be. It feels like it is getting smaller sometimes, then others I wonder if the Grand Canyon moved into my subconscious. Today was one of the latter.
I want to be a strong stable woman, one who tries her best to always help and do good, who is compassionate, but doesn’t take shit, and who trusts willingly and openly. David will tell you that I have been far from stable; Andrew will say I make the worst choices known to man without a second glance to my conscience; and Derek would tell you I would probably doubt Jesus, Himself, given the chance. Trying to improve doesn’t always mean that you do…but I believe one key thing is different than when I started out on this whole “understanding me” trek-I ache to do better. I have pushed myself beyond any known comfort zone, pushed beyond my own walls, and tackled some serious stuff in my time. So why on EARTH does it feel like I have spent 21 years idling only to fall back on the same old stuff?
Well, to give myself a bit of credit, I haven’t picked up every old stupid habit and health is better than ever, but I still have trouble trusting. It would help if I couldn’t reason through things so fast or “put two and two together,” but I do wish I could hush that silly doubting (and deadly) voice in the back of my head. Pushing past it and swallowing my doubts always makes whatever doubt I have manifest itself, but I can’t seem to rationalize questioning what is put before me as truth.
This tickle in the back of my head has yet to be wrong. There is always some clue I missed, some key tone, something he/she said just so…I hate my past for making me doubt good people, but I love it for eliminating one surprise at a time. (Now all I need is one guy to tell me he wants to be a woman and I’ll be set.) Every inch of me is screaming to ask him, but I can’t bring my mouth to say the words. Silly. Absolutely and completely silly, but there just the same. I’ll sleep it off, if it bothers me, I’ll tackle it in the morning. I just don’t want to be right again, that’s all.
Frightening .
I think I love him that much.
I want to be a strong stable woman, one who tries her best to always help and do good, who is compassionate, but doesn’t take shit, and who trusts willingly and openly. David will tell you that I have been far from stable; Andrew will say I make the worst choices known to man without a second glance to my conscience; and Derek would tell you I would probably doubt Jesus, Himself, given the chance. Trying to improve doesn’t always mean that you do…but I believe one key thing is different than when I started out on this whole “understanding me” trek-I ache to do better. I have pushed myself beyond any known comfort zone, pushed beyond my own walls, and tackled some serious stuff in my time. So why on EARTH does it feel like I have spent 21 years idling only to fall back on the same old stuff?
Well, to give myself a bit of credit, I haven’t picked up every old stupid habit and health is better than ever, but I still have trouble trusting. It would help if I couldn’t reason through things so fast or “put two and two together,” but I do wish I could hush that silly doubting (and deadly) voice in the back of my head. Pushing past it and swallowing my doubts always makes whatever doubt I have manifest itself, but I can’t seem to rationalize questioning what is put before me as truth.
This tickle in the back of my head has yet to be wrong. There is always some clue I missed, some key tone, something he/she said just so…I hate my past for making me doubt good people, but I love it for eliminating one surprise at a time. (Now all I need is one guy to tell me he wants to be a woman and I’ll be set.) Every inch of me is screaming to ask him, but I can’t bring my mouth to say the words. Silly. Absolutely and completely silly, but there just the same. I’ll sleep it off, if it bothers me, I’ll tackle it in the morning. I just don’t want to be right again, that’s all.
Frightening .
I think I love him that much.