Those Other Movies
Right, you lot. In brief -
11. The Taming of the Shrew, 1967. Directed by Franco Zeffirelli. Splashy colour. 15th Century Italy. Shakespeare! Richard Burton! Elizabeth Taylor...being very nearly worth-watching! Mr. B. Bumble as a clothes designer. Victor Spinetti with a false nose. "My instrument IS in tune." Michael Hordern playing another confused patriarch. "He is a sailmaker in Bergamo!" Bianca... Michael York! The wine. The priest. Vernon Dobtcheff! Ah, bliss.
12. The Three Musketeers, 1973. Directed by Richard Lester. Oliver Reed. Michael York. Christopher Lee. Christopher Lee. Spike Milligan. Christopher Lee. Roy Kinnear! Charlton Heston as the Cardinal. Classy midgets. Geraldine Chaplin. Jean-Pierre Cassel. "He's torn our carpet!" Simon Ward! Faye Dunaway...! Home-made periscope. "Oh good, I like bustling." Frank Finlay in dual roles. Oh yes. Frank Finlay. Mmmm. George MacDonald Fraser. "It is a cheese with legs."
13. Beat the Devil, 1953. Directed by John Houston. Humphrey Bogart. Edward Underdown. Robert Morley. Camp Muslim officials with a taste for Rita Hayworth. Peter Lorre playing a German named O'Hara. ("There are many Germans in Chile named O'Hara.") Oporto! Need I say more? "Time. Time. What is time? Swiss manufacture it. French hoard it. Italians squander it. Americans say it is money. Hindus say it does not exist. Do you know what I say? I say time is a crook." "It smokes, it drinks, it philosophizes."
14. Topsy-Turvy, 1999. Directed by Mike Leigh. Gilbert & Sullivan & so much more. Including some breasts, so consider yourself warned if squeamish. Martin Savage as George Grossmith. The Sorcerer, Princess Ida, & The Mikado. "The Moon and I." Jim Broadbent and Timothy Spall - a rare mix, right, right, right? Allan Corduner as Sir Arthur! Shickerspents preese. "Japanese ladies are most shapeless." The telephone. A grotty little comedy dentist. "Mr. Gilbert," cries the robust Scots tenor, "I never perform without my corset!" Barker! "So you have two udders, Barker?" Grossmith's pince-nez. "If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo."
15. Amadeus, 1984. Directed by Milos Forman. The evil Salieri. F. Murray Abraham's nose. The Musical Emperor. Stanzi's smile (sigh). Papageno. Simon Callow. The ghost of the Elder Mozart! Don Giovanni. I am the famous horseman. More camp midgets. Sir Neville Mariner at St. Martin's-in-the-Fields. Italians know nothing about love. "A brothel." "Ohhhhhhh." Jeffrey Jones when he could still keep on his trousers. "There's just too many notes. Cut a few and it'll be perfect." The Requiem. An outrageous comedy wig-merchant. The dogs in the director's cut.
16. I’m All Right, Jack, 1959. Directed by John Boulting. The best cast in the history of film-making. Terry-Thomas! Peter Sellers as the proto-type Chief Caretaker. No, honestly. "Ah, Russia." Terry-Thomas! Dennis Price with a 'stache. Maggie Rutherford. Ian Carmichael's teeth. Liz Fraser's...well...not her teeth, leastways. The Num-Nums factory. Richard Attenborough being sleazy and cunning. Malcolm Muggeridge being lovable. Miles Malleson being nude. John Le Mesurier's twitch. "Practically porno." Victor Maddern salutes us all. But mostly: "You'd better go Mr Windrush. You're not the detergent type."
17. The Bank Dick, 1940. Directed by Edward F. Cline. W.C. Fields. The funniest movie ever made...perhaps. Egbert Souse. J. Pinkerton Snoopington. "Little Dorrit!" Og Oggilby (hurrah for Grady Sutton). "Sounds like a bubble in a bath tub." J. Frothingham Waterbury. The pith helmet or the top hat? Filthy McNasty. A. Pismo Clam, Director. Script by Mahatma Kane Jeeves. Mrs. Clapsaddle. "I'll starve myself to death, it's the easiest way out. It's not so difficult to do. I tried it yesterday afternoon." Effingham Hoofnagle - balloon ascensionist? A mooncalf! A jabbernowl! A luddy-duddy! That rarest of African diseases - Mogo-on-the-Guh-go-go. Embezzlement! "The jockey was a very insulting fellow. He referred to my proboscis as an adscititious excrescence. I had to tweak his nose." A hardy handclasp. "Gosh!... Oh, pardon my language."
18. The Man Who Would Be King, 1975. Directed by John Houston. "Thank you, sahib!" Rudyard Kipling. The greatest short story - ever! Saeed Jaffrey = Billy Fish. Sean Connery. Michael Caine. Christopher Plummer. Jack May's voice. "I know you, you English persons. Take off hat to woman, give name to dog." Alexander the Great. Roxanne. Kings of Kafiristan. Detriments you call us? Detriments? Well I want to remind you that it was detriments like us that built this bloody Empire AND the Izzat of the bloody Raj." The Holy Trousers - of God. The Indian Porter. "When we're done with you, you'll be able to stand up and slaughter your enemies like civilized men." Downstream... "Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing." Danny and the Bridge. "The mountains, they danced at night." The head. "Danny, he never let go of Peachey's hand, and Peachey, he never let go of Danny's head."
19. The Innocents, 1961. Directed by Jack Clayton. Deborah Kerr. Peter Wyngarde. Michael Redgrave. The shadows. The lake. The song. The Reverend Fennel. "It was only the wind, m'dear." The face in the window. The lady in the reeds. The tear. The birds. The garden scene with Wyngarde on the roof - greatest scene of all time? Perhaps. "What shall I say when his feet enter softly, leaving the marks of his grave on my floor?" William Archibald, Truman Capote, and John Mortimer. The photograph of Mr. Quint. Rupert the Turtle! The amazingly good children actors. "Something secretive and whispery and indecent."
20. The Producers, 1968. Directed by Mel Brooks. Springtime for Hitler. Or Hitlah, if you're Zero Mostel. Gene Wilder - "Ouch. I fell on my keys." The Linus Complex. "It's a minor compulsion." The camp Nazi. "This calls for Schnopps!" Roger de Bris. "Oh dear - you're looking at my dress." Carmen Ghia - get it? "White white white! It's the colour of our carpet!" Dick Shawn - "What IS my name?" LSD. Doc Goebbels. "I'm not a madame! I'm a concierge!" The song. "Not many people know it, but the furher was a terrific dancer." Blowing up the theatre. Franz singing in a full body cast. "This man should be in a straight-jacket." The little old ladies. "And after that we'll play 'The Abduction and Cruel Rape of Lucretia' - I'll be Lucretia." "And I'll be Rape."
11. The Taming of the Shrew, 1967. Directed by Franco Zeffirelli. Splashy colour. 15th Century Italy. Shakespeare! Richard Burton! Elizabeth Taylor...being very nearly worth-watching! Mr. B. Bumble as a clothes designer. Victor Spinetti with a false nose. "My instrument IS in tune." Michael Hordern playing another confused patriarch. "He is a sailmaker in Bergamo!" Bianca... Michael York! The wine. The priest. Vernon Dobtcheff! Ah, bliss.
12. The Three Musketeers, 1973. Directed by Richard Lester. Oliver Reed. Michael York. Christopher Lee. Christopher Lee. Spike Milligan. Christopher Lee. Roy Kinnear! Charlton Heston as the Cardinal. Classy midgets. Geraldine Chaplin. Jean-Pierre Cassel. "He's torn our carpet!" Simon Ward! Faye Dunaway...! Home-made periscope. "Oh good, I like bustling." Frank Finlay in dual roles. Oh yes. Frank Finlay. Mmmm. George MacDonald Fraser. "It is a cheese with legs."
13. Beat the Devil, 1953. Directed by John Houston. Humphrey Bogart. Edward Underdown. Robert Morley. Camp Muslim officials with a taste for Rita Hayworth. Peter Lorre playing a German named O'Hara. ("There are many Germans in Chile named O'Hara.") Oporto! Need I say more? "Time. Time. What is time? Swiss manufacture it. French hoard it. Italians squander it. Americans say it is money. Hindus say it does not exist. Do you know what I say? I say time is a crook." "It smokes, it drinks, it philosophizes."
14. Topsy-Turvy, 1999. Directed by Mike Leigh. Gilbert & Sullivan & so much more. Including some breasts, so consider yourself warned if squeamish. Martin Savage as George Grossmith. The Sorcerer, Princess Ida, & The Mikado. "The Moon and I." Jim Broadbent and Timothy Spall - a rare mix, right, right, right? Allan Corduner as Sir Arthur! Shickerspents preese. "Japanese ladies are most shapeless." The telephone. A grotty little comedy dentist. "Mr. Gilbert," cries the robust Scots tenor, "I never perform without my corset!" Barker! "So you have two udders, Barker?" Grossmith's pince-nez. "If you wish to write a Grand Opera about a prostitute, dying of consumption in a garret, I suggest you contact Mr Ibsen in Oslo."
15. Amadeus, 1984. Directed by Milos Forman. The evil Salieri. F. Murray Abraham's nose. The Musical Emperor. Stanzi's smile (sigh). Papageno. Simon Callow. The ghost of the Elder Mozart! Don Giovanni. I am the famous horseman. More camp midgets. Sir Neville Mariner at St. Martin's-in-the-Fields. Italians know nothing about love. "A brothel." "Ohhhhhhh." Jeffrey Jones when he could still keep on his trousers. "There's just too many notes. Cut a few and it'll be perfect." The Requiem. An outrageous comedy wig-merchant. The dogs in the director's cut.
16. I’m All Right, Jack, 1959. Directed by John Boulting. The best cast in the history of film-making. Terry-Thomas! Peter Sellers as the proto-type Chief Caretaker. No, honestly. "Ah, Russia." Terry-Thomas! Dennis Price with a 'stache. Maggie Rutherford. Ian Carmichael's teeth. Liz Fraser's...well...not her teeth, leastways. The Num-Nums factory. Richard Attenborough being sleazy and cunning. Malcolm Muggeridge being lovable. Miles Malleson being nude. John Le Mesurier's twitch. "Practically porno." Victor Maddern salutes us all. But mostly: "You'd better go Mr Windrush. You're not the detergent type."
17. The Bank Dick, 1940. Directed by Edward F. Cline. W.C. Fields. The funniest movie ever made...perhaps. Egbert Souse. J. Pinkerton Snoopington. "Little Dorrit!" Og Oggilby (hurrah for Grady Sutton). "Sounds like a bubble in a bath tub." J. Frothingham Waterbury. The pith helmet or the top hat? Filthy McNasty. A. Pismo Clam, Director. Script by Mahatma Kane Jeeves. Mrs. Clapsaddle. "I'll starve myself to death, it's the easiest way out. It's not so difficult to do. I tried it yesterday afternoon." Effingham Hoofnagle - balloon ascensionist? A mooncalf! A jabbernowl! A luddy-duddy! That rarest of African diseases - Mogo-on-the-Guh-go-go. Embezzlement! "The jockey was a very insulting fellow. He referred to my proboscis as an adscititious excrescence. I had to tweak his nose." A hardy handclasp. "Gosh!... Oh, pardon my language."
18. The Man Who Would Be King, 1975. Directed by John Houston. "Thank you, sahib!" Rudyard Kipling. The greatest short story - ever! Saeed Jaffrey = Billy Fish. Sean Connery. Michael Caine. Christopher Plummer. Jack May's voice. "I know you, you English persons. Take off hat to woman, give name to dog." Alexander the Great. Roxanne. Kings of Kafiristan. Detriments you call us? Detriments? Well I want to remind you that it was detriments like us that built this bloody Empire AND the Izzat of the bloody Raj." The Holy Trousers - of God. The Indian Porter. "When we're done with you, you'll be able to stand up and slaughter your enemies like civilized men." Downstream... "Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing." Danny and the Bridge. "The mountains, they danced at night." The head. "Danny, he never let go of Peachey's hand, and Peachey, he never let go of Danny's head."
19. The Innocents, 1961. Directed by Jack Clayton. Deborah Kerr. Peter Wyngarde. Michael Redgrave. The shadows. The lake. The song. The Reverend Fennel. "It was only the wind, m'dear." The face in the window. The lady in the reeds. The tear. The birds. The garden scene with Wyngarde on the roof - greatest scene of all time? Perhaps. "What shall I say when his feet enter softly, leaving the marks of his grave on my floor?" William Archibald, Truman Capote, and John Mortimer. The photograph of Mr. Quint. Rupert the Turtle! The amazingly good children actors. "Something secretive and whispery and indecent."
20. The Producers, 1968. Directed by Mel Brooks. Springtime for Hitler. Or Hitlah, if you're Zero Mostel. Gene Wilder - "Ouch. I fell on my keys." The Linus Complex. "It's a minor compulsion." The camp Nazi. "This calls for Schnopps!" Roger de Bris. "Oh dear - you're looking at my dress." Carmen Ghia - get it? "White white white! It's the colour of our carpet!" Dick Shawn - "What IS my name?" LSD. Doc Goebbels. "I'm not a madame! I'm a concierge!" The song. "Not many people know it, but the furher was a terrific dancer." Blowing up the theatre. Franz singing in a full body cast. "This man should be in a straight-jacket." The little old ladies. "And after that we'll play 'The Abduction and Cruel Rape of Lucretia' - I'll be Lucretia." "And I'll be Rape."