Color Me Blue
I dreamt about my ex last night (We've been divorced for seven years and only talk to each other once or twice a year - "How's it going, how's your family,” etc.).
I dreamt that he said that he could picture me with our child lying with me. Then, he burned a hole in my family heirloom quilt with his cigarette. AAAAHH!
Does this mean I want to get back together? No. Does it mean that I want to start a family with him? No. With anyone? At 45 years old? I don’t think so! What it means is I feel like I'm losing control of my life.
It's not as dramatic as that sounds. With the euphoria of July’s “Harry Potter and more Harry Potter” wearing off - even though Dragon*Con is still to come - I've felt depression creeping into the edge of my consciousness and trying to figure out why. I’m not prone to depression from any sort of imbalance; there’s always a reason for it.
This evening, I will be registering for two college classes once again. School starts a week from today. I think of how crazy things got this past spring and summer between school and Bellatrix. I got behind at work and at home, and now it’s going to start again.
Going to school was a condition of a promotion I got a year ago - kind of a retroactive thing, so I gotta do it. And part of me wants to do it, too, but it’s not easy. I’m no multitasker by any means.
I can’t stand this house. I need to go through it room by room and give stuff away, have a yard sale, or throw stuff out. How one person can accumulate so much stuff in 9 years is beyond me (though I’ll have an upcoming entry about the yard sale I went to last weekend, so… :P)! I have to resign myself to the fact that my house will continue to be a mess for the next two years because I don’t see where I’ll have the time to deal with it until then.
I actually feel better now that I’ve figured out what the problem is even though I can’t do much about it.
BTW, he was controlling because I let him be in a futile effort to make an unhappy man happy (No matter what the movies say, you can't make someone else happy if he is not happy in himself.).
I dreamt that he said that he could picture me with our child lying with me. Then, he burned a hole in my family heirloom quilt with his cigarette. AAAAHH!
Does this mean I want to get back together? No. Does it mean that I want to start a family with him? No. With anyone? At 45 years old? I don’t think so! What it means is I feel like I'm losing control of my life.
It's not as dramatic as that sounds. With the euphoria of July’s “Harry Potter and more Harry Potter” wearing off - even though Dragon*Con is still to come - I've felt depression creeping into the edge of my consciousness and trying to figure out why. I’m not prone to depression from any sort of imbalance; there’s always a reason for it.
This evening, I will be registering for two college classes once again. School starts a week from today. I think of how crazy things got this past spring and summer between school and Bellatrix. I got behind at work and at home, and now it’s going to start again.
Going to school was a condition of a promotion I got a year ago - kind of a retroactive thing, so I gotta do it. And part of me wants to do it, too, but it’s not easy. I’m no multitasker by any means.
I can’t stand this house. I need to go through it room by room and give stuff away, have a yard sale, or throw stuff out. How one person can accumulate so much stuff in 9 years is beyond me (though I’ll have an upcoming entry about the yard sale I went to last weekend, so… :P)! I have to resign myself to the fact that my house will continue to be a mess for the next two years because I don’t see where I’ll have the time to deal with it until then.
I actually feel better now that I’ve figured out what the problem is even though I can’t do much about it.
BTW, he was controlling because I let him be in a futile effort to make an unhappy man happy (No matter what the movies say, you can't make someone else happy if he is not happy in himself.).