Friends
I've been thinking about this a lot; and then Gene and I were sort of discussing it in an offhanded manner today, and it got me to thinking about it more.
Niema always throws this saying at me (point of fact: she reminds me it is not her saying, but Tyler Perry's; from Madea goes to Jail)
Basically, Friendship is like a tree. Some friends are leaves, only meant to stay in your life for a season before they fall off and leave you without warning. Some friends are branches; they seem really strong and permanent, but a good gust of wind will tear them away. And some friends are roots; The ones who will be with you no matter what. Your ass could be blown over and all but dead, and they're still gonna be there holding you steady, forever.
I guess I'm starting to realize I have a lot more branches and leaves than roots. and frankly, I'm kind of a charlie brown christmas tree to begin with. I feel like I used to have friends I really loved and depended on, that... I guess really didn't really feel the same about me. I'm more okay with that than I was for a while, but a few of them really sting pretty hard.
At the same time, I'm branching out. I'm reconnecting with old friends, I'm re-discovering old hobbies, and making new friends.
I guess it's harder for me because my roots are spread so far and wide. Some are *just* far enough that we don't see them as often as we'd like (and that's really my fault). Bobby leaves tonight for Florida, and that just breaks me in half, because even if we never get to hang out, we talk nearly every day, and I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do without that. Michelle has a life! scary, but true. So we don't see each other nearly as much as we'd like. And so on.
But really, My phone rings...maybe once a week that isn't gene, the school, or a doctor's office. I've gotten better about calling people, but I still have a nagging fear that I'm intruding--like, other people have actual stuff going on in their lives, whereas I'm more likely to be hanging out on the couch, so it seems silly for me to call them and not the other way 'round, ya know? But clearly that's not working for me; because I haven't gone out with other people in MONTHS. The last time I went to the movies was, I swear to god, a year and a half ago.
I guess it leaves me to ask the tough questions: Am I unsociable or unseemly or something? Unfit for public consumption? Am I rude or stupid or boring? WTF exactly is wrong with *me*?
And I mean, maybe it's not me, maybe it's the people I've counted on (with a few exceptions) as my friends for the last ten years or so. I was on the phone with an old friend last weekend; and it was so odd. We hadn't talked in... eleven years. (which is a sure sign of old age) and we must have talked for four hours. We were tight in high school, but you know, life. And I left Jersey, no forwarding address. My point is, I'm on the phone with this guy, who I just loved; geeking it up; laughing, talking about life, and all that shit. And I don't remember the last time I had a conversation with a man like that that wasn't laden with a metric butt-ton of baggage; except for bobby. and the only thing the two of them have in common (sans utter geekery) Is they were my friends in Jersey, before and after all the shit hit the fan. And I think that says something. Most of my friends I've made Since jason was born, I'm the same way with. They're there, period. But I have this whole...clump of people that I got in with after jersey and before jase, and by and large, they hang around on the outskirts of my life, make me feel like shit, and incite drama. (there are, of course very clear and obvious lovable auntie-esque exceptions to this)
Which brings me back to the beginning. I think i've been holding to the idea that a lot of these people were roots, when maybe they've been branches all along. and maybe, I should look into entering a springtime; branching out, maybe adding some colourful leaves. I dunno. Maybe I'm stretching the metaphor here, or overthinking. But it's been really bothering me lately, so I figured it might as well come out.
Who are you? Are you a branch? A leaf? are you still part of my tree or did you fall off long ago?
Niema always throws this saying at me (point of fact: she reminds me it is not her saying, but Tyler Perry's; from Madea goes to Jail)
Basically, Friendship is like a tree. Some friends are leaves, only meant to stay in your life for a season before they fall off and leave you without warning. Some friends are branches; they seem really strong and permanent, but a good gust of wind will tear them away. And some friends are roots; The ones who will be with you no matter what. Your ass could be blown over and all but dead, and they're still gonna be there holding you steady, forever.
I guess I'm starting to realize I have a lot more branches and leaves than roots. and frankly, I'm kind of a charlie brown christmas tree to begin with. I feel like I used to have friends I really loved and depended on, that... I guess really didn't really feel the same about me. I'm more okay with that than I was for a while, but a few of them really sting pretty hard.
At the same time, I'm branching out. I'm reconnecting with old friends, I'm re-discovering old hobbies, and making new friends.
I guess it's harder for me because my roots are spread so far and wide. Some are *just* far enough that we don't see them as often as we'd like (and that's really my fault). Bobby leaves tonight for Florida, and that just breaks me in half, because even if we never get to hang out, we talk nearly every day, and I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do without that. Michelle has a life! scary, but true. So we don't see each other nearly as much as we'd like. And so on.
But really, My phone rings...maybe once a week that isn't gene, the school, or a doctor's office. I've gotten better about calling people, but I still have a nagging fear that I'm intruding--like, other people have actual stuff going on in their lives, whereas I'm more likely to be hanging out on the couch, so it seems silly for me to call them and not the other way 'round, ya know? But clearly that's not working for me; because I haven't gone out with other people in MONTHS. The last time I went to the movies was, I swear to god, a year and a half ago.
I guess it leaves me to ask the tough questions: Am I unsociable or unseemly or something? Unfit for public consumption? Am I rude or stupid or boring? WTF exactly is wrong with *me*?
And I mean, maybe it's not me, maybe it's the people I've counted on (with a few exceptions) as my friends for the last ten years or so. I was on the phone with an old friend last weekend; and it was so odd. We hadn't talked in... eleven years. (which is a sure sign of old age) and we must have talked for four hours. We were tight in high school, but you know, life. And I left Jersey, no forwarding address. My point is, I'm on the phone with this guy, who I just loved; geeking it up; laughing, talking about life, and all that shit. And I don't remember the last time I had a conversation with a man like that that wasn't laden with a metric butt-ton of baggage; except for bobby. and the only thing the two of them have in common (sans utter geekery) Is they were my friends in Jersey, before and after all the shit hit the fan. And I think that says something. Most of my friends I've made Since jason was born, I'm the same way with. They're there, period. But I have this whole...clump of people that I got in with after jersey and before jase, and by and large, they hang around on the outskirts of my life, make me feel like shit, and incite drama. (there are, of course very clear and obvious lovable auntie-esque exceptions to this)
Which brings me back to the beginning. I think i've been holding to the idea that a lot of these people were roots, when maybe they've been branches all along. and maybe, I should look into entering a springtime; branching out, maybe adding some colourful leaves. I dunno. Maybe I'm stretching the metaphor here, or overthinking. But it's been really bothering me lately, so I figured it might as well come out.
Who are you? Are you a branch? A leaf? are you still part of my tree or did you fall off long ago?