there, now i've said it
why don't i tell you all about much my life sucks and then you will be all like, "wow, that's pretty pathetic." and then you'll feel pretty good about your own life and hammocks and stuff, and then i'll at least get points up in heaven for making someone's day better.
i can't decide if i should do this in list format or in never-ending-hard-on-the-eyes bitching paragraph. we'll see what develops. it's 2am sunday, i haven't been out in a month, and that was for two hours. before that, probably another month. i have no friends here. none. zero. really. tonight posed a big revelation in my mind when it occurred to me that i might actually talk to someone about being sad -- but even that didn't work out. all i do is watch horrible television or--more often, since the tv is in BB's room and she's always here--do nothing on the internet. i live with my stepmother, who has traditionally been the most reviled person in my life, after my mother. i have goals (for once) and am incapable -- utterly totally 100% -- of taking even the first step towards accomplishing them. i really really miss sex and have no hope of getting any in....well, the horizon is limitless. outside of work, the only people i talk to are my family. i am fat and forever will be. it's all i can think about most of the time now. it keeps me up at night, actually. there is a way way beautiful girl at work, and going out on smoke breaks with her and seeing everyone look at her takes me back to high school and walking the halls with emily and experiencing the Invisible Fat Friend Syndrome. i'm not jealous of her at all, which i guess is good (for points in heaven). i have a diet book that tells me i need to give up the dieting mentality forever and weight loss hypnosis cds that tell me, "you must accept that in order to be slender, you will need to be on a weight loss program for the rest of your life."
[random new paragraph break] i haven't done anything on my list of exciting things that i posted before. i'm really lonely when i stop to think about it, which i do only when switching channels between real world reruns and "flip this house" episodes. even the idea that the only thing between me and happiness is 30 pounds isn't enough to make me make a change. though it is enough to send me to the store for a pint of ben & jerry's. my officemate was talking about how she hasn't eaten ice cream in years. i almost laughed but then i realized she wasn't kidding. i have a secret for post secret that isn't about adultery or suicidal thoughts but i haven't sent it in because i lack the creativity to think of what the postcard should look like. i found a notebook where i was keeping track of my weight in high school -- thanks to my meticulous record keeping and tendency not to throw junk away i know i've weighed this much for seven years. except for the time when i weighed 30 pounds more. or ten pounds less. but we're not talking about that now. my brother, who's 32, married, and has a kid is out playing cards with his friends right now. because he has a life! and i'm sitting here, hitting refresh on the postsecret page every two minutes, hoping they've posted their update for the week, because reading that will give me something fun to do for a breath.
i'm fat and lonely. i'm unhappy. and there's no prospect for change.