anyone still here?
or is lj as antiquated as pay phones these days. regardless, i'm going to make a conscious effort to start blogging again - not complaining - blogging. self reflection spurs personal growth. i was walking by myself to the library the other day and experienced a sudden sense of self awareness, dare i say loneliness (hahaha omg this post is not j.d.salinger catcherintherye status dont worry) it's was as if BOOM all of a sudden it was just me and the world, and it was as empowering as it was frightening. I asked my brother, now 21, if he ever felt this way at school and he told me he had. I asked if it was called growing up and i think it is. I feel caught in such an awkward transition between childhood and adulthood where sometimes i want to shrug off all the responsibilites and just smoke a bowl. This mirrors how I felt in high school as I studied countless hours for AP tests, but maybe even to a greater extent now that the notion of no longer having to wake up in time for class but rather having to wake up in time to catch the train to work seems not as distant as it used to be. Yet at the same time, my outlook does not remain entirely bleak. I've also come to realize that, at 19 still, I've got so much more living to do. The world seems more vast and the places I need to go more accesible than ever. After a few months of dwelling in negativity, I think I've finally dug myself out that cave and all those stupid self destructive notions that seem to have accumulated in the past year. I defintely do not want to look back five years from now that I spent the past five years shrouded in thoughts of trying to change things that will always remain or living a life conjurred in my head when I could've been relishing, thriving, and appreciating the things I'm already blessed with. AND WITH THIS IN MIND..I've also resolved to wake up a little earlier..I don't want to waste my time sleeping excessively (except maybe on the weekends) carpe diem indeed. my closing thoughts on this ridiculous "existential crisis" portion of the blog: on a day that left much more to be desired a few months back my roommate in an attempt to cheer me up reminded me of the boundless possibilities that lay before all of us. She told me to stop and think about just how many people I have met in the past two years and how many completely unexpected events have manifested in such a short time..and she's absolutely right. live in the present or you'll forever be disappointed by lofty ideas that you could've actualized while loftily idealing.
wow...now that i've started writing i've realized there's a lot on my mind.
I stumbled upon my cousin's myspace today, she is not even a senior in high school and there were pictures of drinking a beer and allusions to her smoking with her boyfriend. When did she grow up so fast? My first instinct was shock and anger..this made me feel as old as it did young, because part of me wanted to chastise her but part of me wanted to give her a pat on the back. haha..oh do i look forward to the day when my family and i can all drink merrily together.
On sunday, i met a boy while waiting outside the library for it to open. He introduced himself to be nicely and proceeded to make small talk, asking if he could study with me. I agreed to that and after a few hours, he asked if I wanted to take a break. I agreed to this as well and we went outside sat on a grassy field and talked. All of a sudden, without warning, he kisses me on the cheek. Taken aback, I don't say anything..he asks me how i felt about that and I said I don't know. Then, he does it again! By this point, I was getting a little creeped out because this is not at all what I had expected or wanted at the moment. Well..a lot more talking went on after that and he asked me if he could kiss me again. I looked down after he said this, and he realized I didn't want to. blahbalbhalh moral of the story...feeling fiercely independent as I began the afternoon all of a sudden life throws this curve ball at me and a guy I met a mere 2 hours ago is kissing me on the grass. Although I am not interested in dating him, I hold that afternoon with extreme regard because it demonstartes to me the spontaneity of life and that although the value that lies in the past will never diminish, it should not shroud nor taint nor inhibit something amazing that is waiting to grace you.
coldplay's yellow is such a beautiful song. it may very well be one of my all time favorites. he sings about his such a deep love for his significant other that it is even channels into and is capable of powering the stars. He even instructs her to "look how the shine for you" almost in a sense of urgency he feels she must know just how impactual she is. With her, suddenly what was once so common holds greater value and beauty, and he is moved to write and act with a renewed vigor. The sense of incredible appreciation and respect is elegantly prevalant throughout the song. will i ever be someone's yellow? 8]
wow...now that i've started writing i've realized there's a lot on my mind.
I stumbled upon my cousin's myspace today, she is not even a senior in high school and there were pictures of drinking a beer and allusions to her smoking with her boyfriend. When did she grow up so fast? My first instinct was shock and anger..this made me feel as old as it did young, because part of me wanted to chastise her but part of me wanted to give her a pat on the back. haha..oh do i look forward to the day when my family and i can all drink merrily together.
On sunday, i met a boy while waiting outside the library for it to open. He introduced himself to be nicely and proceeded to make small talk, asking if he could study with me. I agreed to that and after a few hours, he asked if I wanted to take a break. I agreed to this as well and we went outside sat on a grassy field and talked. All of a sudden, without warning, he kisses me on the cheek. Taken aback, I don't say anything..he asks me how i felt about that and I said I don't know. Then, he does it again! By this point, I was getting a little creeped out because this is not at all what I had expected or wanted at the moment. Well..a lot more talking went on after that and he asked me if he could kiss me again. I looked down after he said this, and he realized I didn't want to. blahbalbhalh moral of the story...feeling fiercely independent as I began the afternoon all of a sudden life throws this curve ball at me and a guy I met a mere 2 hours ago is kissing me on the grass. Although I am not interested in dating him, I hold that afternoon with extreme regard because it demonstartes to me the spontaneity of life and that although the value that lies in the past will never diminish, it should not shroud nor taint nor inhibit something amazing that is waiting to grace you.
coldplay's yellow is such a beautiful song. it may very well be one of my all time favorites. he sings about his such a deep love for his significant other that it is even channels into and is capable of powering the stars. He even instructs her to "look how the shine for you" almost in a sense of urgency he feels she must know just how impactual she is. With her, suddenly what was once so common holds greater value and beauty, and he is moved to write and act with a renewed vigor. The sense of incredible appreciation and respect is elegantly prevalant throughout the song. will i ever be someone's yellow? 8]