when we can all be adults (day 23)
Gulf of Aden
we're in that thin strip of ocean surrounded by land before the Suez Canal
Cranky time is closing in this month and I feel my moods changing first. I imagine everyone deals with this, but it is frustrating that my emotional status is not subject to my control, and I feel like it gives others power over me that I never consented to. It feels like a trespass.
I am angry at people, frustrated with people, unable to understand what I perceive as immaturity and inefficiency and dullness. One of the half-volunteers I regularly work with is someone I would have gauged and passed on by because I don't like his energy. I shouldn't judge people this way, maybe, maybe that's the first argument to be made but skimming over that let's say that I am filled with negative energy because of him today.
It started from a lapse in communication, and then a few more, and the core fact that I don't understand him and he doesn't understand me. I think too many people I interact with in Japanese disregard that I am essentially an English speaker and I don't often dilute what I want to say.
The core of my anger is not that we had this misunderstanding and he is angry but that he interprets my actions as intentionally uncooperative when he has not particularly made any more of an effort to understand or find clarification. He is, on a completely volunteer basis, coordinating an event for a tour I supported. It was clear that I would only be involved in providing feedback along the way, so I don't actually understand what I was supposed to do for him. I deeply don't appreciate that for all intents and purposes the offense I committed this morning was to offer my honest opinion on the matter of how many papers we should print.
At the end of the day I am spending a lot of time here thinking about age. Nearly everyone I talk to thinks I am at least thirty and I feel it. I feel eons older than the high school students, the college students, and in this occasion the people who actually are thirty.
Adults understand cooperation, adults see the big picture, adults can prioritize and recognize the small things as small things.
I wanted to have an adult conversation with you and instead I am disappointed and resentful, but I want to bring myself to a place where we can move in the same sphere and I don't care.
we're in that thin strip of ocean surrounded by land before the Suez Canal
Cranky time is closing in this month and I feel my moods changing first. I imagine everyone deals with this, but it is frustrating that my emotional status is not subject to my control, and I feel like it gives others power over me that I never consented to. It feels like a trespass.
I am angry at people, frustrated with people, unable to understand what I perceive as immaturity and inefficiency and dullness. One of the half-volunteers I regularly work with is someone I would have gauged and passed on by because I don't like his energy. I shouldn't judge people this way, maybe, maybe that's the first argument to be made but skimming over that let's say that I am filled with negative energy because of him today.
It started from a lapse in communication, and then a few more, and the core fact that I don't understand him and he doesn't understand me. I think too many people I interact with in Japanese disregard that I am essentially an English speaker and I don't often dilute what I want to say.
The core of my anger is not that we had this misunderstanding and he is angry but that he interprets my actions as intentionally uncooperative when he has not particularly made any more of an effort to understand or find clarification. He is, on a completely volunteer basis, coordinating an event for a tour I supported. It was clear that I would only be involved in providing feedback along the way, so I don't actually understand what I was supposed to do for him. I deeply don't appreciate that for all intents and purposes the offense I committed this morning was to offer my honest opinion on the matter of how many papers we should print.
At the end of the day I am spending a lot of time here thinking about age. Nearly everyone I talk to thinks I am at least thirty and I feel it. I feel eons older than the high school students, the college students, and in this occasion the people who actually are thirty.
Adults understand cooperation, adults see the big picture, adults can prioritize and recognize the small things as small things.
I wanted to have an adult conversation with you and instead I am disappointed and resentful, but I want to bring myself to a place where we can move in the same sphere and I don't care.