College is a month away
and I'm just so mixed up about everything right now. I just constantly doubt myself and wonder if I'm really good enough. I need the reassurance that I really am amazing and I usually know that but I don't remember anymore. I think it's that it's been too long since I've stage managed a show. Somehow stage managing always makes me think that I'm amazing and that I can do anything. And I don't have Liv or Adler or Adkins or Ester telling me that I'm amazing all the time. I don't get that at Toby's. I feel like I'm constantly competing to be better than someone else and I know that I'm not going to be better and that sucks. And now I'm starting to worry about what it's going to be like at DePaul. The stage management program is one of the best and so there are going to be amazing people and am I going to stack up next to them? I'm worried that I'm not going to be as good as everyone else and not be successful. I'm so damn competitive and it sucks. And I have this need to be amazing at everything, and I'm just wondering if I should've just stuck with some school where I'd be the only stage manager so there was no comparison. I hate comparison yet I always do it. Like I have to rank who's the best in a category. And I think the problem with Toby's is I'm not doing what I do best. I'm GREAT at stage managing but I don't know how to be an assistant. I was never an ASM and just jumped in SM so I don't know how to do it. I know it's not my show and I'm not in charge it's just really hard. And I don't build things and I don't lift 500 pounds so therefore I am not incredible. But I AM incredible for myself. I'm lifting things and running around the theater and what's incredibly amazing is looking at me from 5 years ago. I couldn't even get out of bed and go to school 5 days a week. I barely made it 3 and usually I'd end up going home early. I almost failed the 8th grade because I was never there and was doing so bad in math. And here I am being able to run around a theater? That's fucking amazing but people don't know what I've been through. People at Toby's don't know about my illness because I refuse to tell them because I don't want them to think I'm weak. I am so strong for getting through what I have gotten through and have managed to be off of my drugs for 3 fucking months. I AM amazing... but sometimes I just need a little reassurance.