Hello...
I haven't updated this in a while for fear that I had nothing good to say and didn't feel the freedom or anonymity that a diary should offer. I think I'm getting to a point where I don't care as much.
I have had a hard time lately, knowing how to feel and who to talk to. I have been depressed for the last couple years but at least now I feel a glimmer of hope. I'm happy that things are always getting better with my relationship with husband and that I can now see the light I have been searching for. But for a while it was hell.
What do you do when you've spent your whole life searching for love and find it, then realize you were more fascinated with the search than actually obtaining what you were looking for? How do you suddenly stop the fantasy train and hop onto the reality train without feeling whiplash? And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the questions I have regarding what do you do with all the dreams and elaborate expectations you have built up on your journey.
The loss was overwhelming. It's amazing to me how many stories are about searching for love, falling in love, and new romances. It's amazing to me how few are about staying in love and living out life with the person you chose without getting board and giving up, or living with resentment. I guess people don't want to write about it. I wish they would.
Because now, what am I searching for? What am I working toward? What do people do next? What do I think about that will give me butterflies in my stomach and make my cheeks turn pink with wonder and nervousness? Are those emotions that aren't of use to me anymore? What do people do after they pick a person they plan to stay with? What do we do with all that energy? What is my quest? What do I do now? I would truly love for that searching to turn toward noble things like my search for God, but it's not the same somehow.
So, for the last 2 years I've been searching to discover who I am as a married woman… and I still don't have an answer. I just wish I didn't feel so displaced and knew what to do now. It's so sad how many women I know that make a life out of searching for love. I really wish that I would have been prepared for the transition and not been so singly focused on something that could come to an end and leave me with such ambiguity. How can I just sit back now, and coast through the rest of my life without a driving force like the one I once had behind me?
Anyway… I feel like I'm whining, and maybe I am. I'm lucky to have the things I have, I know it. I don't feel the loss as much anymore, and I see that as Erik and I keep working at things the quality and depth of our relationship grows. It's nice to be able to look around in the glasses I once wore and still want to pick my husband, realizing that he really is the best one for me. It's good to start to see how a life of love with one person, how ending the journey, is worth it. That at least brings me peace.
I have had a hard time lately, knowing how to feel and who to talk to. I have been depressed for the last couple years but at least now I feel a glimmer of hope. I'm happy that things are always getting better with my relationship with husband and that I can now see the light I have been searching for. But for a while it was hell.
What do you do when you've spent your whole life searching for love and find it, then realize you were more fascinated with the search than actually obtaining what you were looking for? How do you suddenly stop the fantasy train and hop onto the reality train without feeling whiplash? And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the questions I have regarding what do you do with all the dreams and elaborate expectations you have built up on your journey.
The loss was overwhelming. It's amazing to me how many stories are about searching for love, falling in love, and new romances. It's amazing to me how few are about staying in love and living out life with the person you chose without getting board and giving up, or living with resentment. I guess people don't want to write about it. I wish they would.
Because now, what am I searching for? What am I working toward? What do people do next? What do I think about that will give me butterflies in my stomach and make my cheeks turn pink with wonder and nervousness? Are those emotions that aren't of use to me anymore? What do people do after they pick a person they plan to stay with? What do we do with all that energy? What is my quest? What do I do now? I would truly love for that searching to turn toward noble things like my search for God, but it's not the same somehow.
So, for the last 2 years I've been searching to discover who I am as a married woman… and I still don't have an answer. I just wish I didn't feel so displaced and knew what to do now. It's so sad how many women I know that make a life out of searching for love. I really wish that I would have been prepared for the transition and not been so singly focused on something that could come to an end and leave me with such ambiguity. How can I just sit back now, and coast through the rest of my life without a driving force like the one I once had behind me?
Anyway… I feel like I'm whining, and maybe I am. I'm lucky to have the things I have, I know it. I don't feel the loss as much anymore, and I see that as Erik and I keep working at things the quality and depth of our relationship grows. It's nice to be able to look around in the glasses I once wore and still want to pick my husband, realizing that he really is the best one for me. It's good to start to see how a life of love with one person, how ending the journey, is worth it. That at least brings me peace.