rant in bitch flat
im brave in a childish way
ive been having a lot of dumb realizations recently
1. my pottery isn't selling - but that isn't stopping me from making it...
so for once i'm just doing it for me.. making things i want
it's not about what i think other people want.. or how much profit i make off of what time and supplies and blah blah blah... that just gets me to make dumb bad work that no one wants to buy anyway... so that's my realization.. i make pottery because i like doing it.. it makes me happy. -- it's not a pseudo job.. it's a passion
2. how did my life get so low that i am a 30 yr old drunk in a bar on a tuesday night playing pool with people i don't even know. who am i.. who is this person i've become... i used to think i was fun for doing things like this... now i just feel like a de-evolved desperate bar girl who is getting progressively fatter and more pathetic........isn't that awful? no wonder ive been suicidal. this life has gotten so sad. but i've let it get this way. i mean yes i have an addiction.. but that doesn't mean that i dont make the limited choices that i can make. if i want a life that i want i have to realize what that is and then make choices to get it. right now i am like what megans mom said about lohan... lost.. when she said that i realized that that's exactly how I feel. i have no direction. i have no real ambition. i'm living day to day and while it's good to live in the now, its important to know what will make you happy. for some reason i just feel like a relationship will make me happy.. that's it. and that is so narrow and not well thought out for a host of reasons. and jon... jesus... i feel worse than when i was with farley. it was so pathetic and this is just... an emotional bottom.
he has this expectation of a sexually feminine woman that i have never been and it's just making me think about who i am as a partner and blah biddity blah blah blah.. it's just creepy.. i want a friend who i love and who i can laugh with..this is so far from that and so just... sad.
how did i get so far off course.. and why does it feel like its going to take forever to get back....
fuck
fuck fuck fuck
ive been having a lot of dumb realizations recently
1. my pottery isn't selling - but that isn't stopping me from making it...
so for once i'm just doing it for me.. making things i want
it's not about what i think other people want.. or how much profit i make off of what time and supplies and blah blah blah... that just gets me to make dumb bad work that no one wants to buy anyway... so that's my realization.. i make pottery because i like doing it.. it makes me happy. -- it's not a pseudo job.. it's a passion
2. how did my life get so low that i am a 30 yr old drunk in a bar on a tuesday night playing pool with people i don't even know. who am i.. who is this person i've become... i used to think i was fun for doing things like this... now i just feel like a de-evolved desperate bar girl who is getting progressively fatter and more pathetic........isn't that awful? no wonder ive been suicidal. this life has gotten so sad. but i've let it get this way. i mean yes i have an addiction.. but that doesn't mean that i dont make the limited choices that i can make. if i want a life that i want i have to realize what that is and then make choices to get it. right now i am like what megans mom said about lohan... lost.. when she said that i realized that that's exactly how I feel. i have no direction. i have no real ambition. i'm living day to day and while it's good to live in the now, its important to know what will make you happy. for some reason i just feel like a relationship will make me happy.. that's it. and that is so narrow and not well thought out for a host of reasons. and jon... jesus... i feel worse than when i was with farley. it was so pathetic and this is just... an emotional bottom.
he has this expectation of a sexually feminine woman that i have never been and it's just making me think about who i am as a partner and blah biddity blah blah blah.. it's just creepy.. i want a friend who i love and who i can laugh with..this is so far from that and so just... sad.
how did i get so far off course.. and why does it feel like its going to take forever to get back....
fuck
fuck fuck fuck