(no subject)
Two summers ago, hundreds of thousands of immigrants came to my home, seeking a place to have their children and live a better life. For a while, these new residence were an bit of a bother, but we were able to live peacefully under the same roof. That all changed one night, during a typical summer thunderstorm. My dog Annie, who is terrofied of thunder, came down to my room to wait out the storm. Late in the evening, after a particularly loud crack of thunder, the dog came to me to be petted and calmed. As I pet the dog, I noticed not just 1, 2, 3, or even 4, but 6 Earwigs crawling all over my dog. This put me into a rage. It was bad enough that they were crawling in my keyboard - now they had just crossed a line. After properly executing the 6 raiders, I declared a Holy Jihad on the invading army of Earwigs swarming into my home. At first my methods were simple: stepping on them, flushing them down the toilet, etc. After a couple nights of killing these bugs, I began to find new and more exciting methods to snuff them. My family learned to stay clear of the basement from 10pm to sunrise - that was when I went hunting. At first, I enjoyed tipping a can of canned air upside down and dousing them with that party juice (still a favorite method, as the results are fairly instant), but then I learned quicker, more efficient methods. I found plans for an earwig trap on the internet - soon, I was killing as many as 50 of them at a time. One night, while I was hunting them individually with canned air, I found a rather large, healthy enemy soldier sneaking around by the dryer. I sprayed him once with the canned air, then moved on. When I returned, I saw that he survived the first shot and was starting to come to, so hit him again - the stronger-willed ones usually need two. This particular bug survived 4 shots of the canned air. Just before I was about to snuff him with my foot, I wondered if maybe he may be the leader of the enemy forces. I got my tweezers and brought this chap in to my parlor (in some sort of container, of course) where I began to negotiate the terms of his surrender. We agreed that all enemy troops must begin to leave my house immediately, never to return. There would be a 3 night cease-fire, at which time I would hunt no existing earwigs, but only concentrate my attention on the points I knew their re-enforcements were entering. I allowed the leader to go so that he could tell the others of my generosity, mercy, and justness. The next few nights, I concentrated only on boarder patrol while the existing enemy forces retreated. After the cease fire had ended, I only had to eliminate a small handful of stubborn bugs before they were completely gone. For two years, the agreement forged that nigh has been honored by both sides...
Until tonight.
A new army of raiders had infiltrated my home. I tried to live peacefully with them once, and they scoffed at my attempts. This time, I will show them no mercy. By the time I'm through, the earwig may very well be considered an endangered species.
Until tonight.
A new army of raiders had infiltrated my home. I tried to live peacefully with them once, and they scoffed at my attempts. This time, I will show them no mercy. By the time I'm through, the earwig may very well be considered an endangered species.