(no subject)
Title: When It Really Hit Him
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Summary: Part 34 of the Smitten series; Sirius begs Remus to come back to him, and the war hits very, very close to home for the two boys.
Warnings: Mention of character death
Need to catch up? http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2817005/1/ Then refer back to LJ for the pr0n. ^_~
!NEW! anothergirl415 and I have compiled a soundtrack for this story. The first cut here takes you to the links where you can download past tracks for these chapters.
For this chapter, please visit here and listen to: Chapter 34: When It Really Hit Him Jewel: Foolish Games
Chapter 1: My First Valentine: Postal Service: Angel Pumping Gas
Chapter 2: The Potions Essay: Plain White T's: Come on Over
Chapter 3: Toast and Honey: Frank Sinatra: I've Got You Under My Skin
Chapter 4: The First Kiss: Goo Goo Dolls: Iris
Chapter 5: Ira Dulcis: Jewel: Standing Still
Chapter 6: Loss of Face: Rammstein: Otherworld
Chapter 7: The Hospital Wing: Collide: Howie day
Chapter 8: Shy: Muse: Bliss
Chapter 9: The Letter: Muse: Butterflies and Hurricanes
Chapter 10: Tutoring Snape: Default: Wasting My Time
Chapter 11: That Day After: Yellowcard: Cigarette
Chapter 12: Exposed: Finch: Stay With Me
Chapter 13: Just Because All-American Rejects: Dance Inside
Chapter 14: Feeling Threatened: Muse: Apocalypse Now
Chapter 15: Meeting Remus's Parents: Third Eye Blind: Semi-Charmed Life
Chapter 16: The Home He Never Had: All-American Rejects: Dirty Little Secret
Chapter 17: The Shedding of Clothes: Massive Attack: Inertia Creeps
Chapter 18: The Awkward Talk: Third Eye Blind: Never Let You Go
Chapter 19: The Secret: Frank Sinatra: Fly Me to the Moon
Chapter 20: The Unexpected Reward: Alanis Morissette: All I Really Want
Chapter 21: Decline: Yellowcard: Only One
Chapter 22: Quiet: Third Eye Blind: Motorcycle Drive-By
Chapter 23: Unfortunate Discovery: Life of a Salesman: Yellowcard
Chapter 24: The End of an Era: Jewel: You Were Meant for Me
Chapter 25: Retreat: Plain White T's: Hey There Delilah
Chapter 26: The Morning of September First: Oasis: Wonderwall
Chapter 27: The First Success: SpillCanvas: This is For Keeps
Chapter 28: The Question of Christmas Olivia Olson: All I Want For Christmas Is You
Chapter 29: All To Themselves: Third Eye Blind: Blinded
Chapter 30: The Resident Fuck-up: Jimmy Eat World: 23
Chapter 31: Unfulfilled Plain White T's: The Lonely September
Chapter 32: Putting It All Behind Us Silverchair: After All These Years
Chapter 33: Motorcycle Romance The Postal Service: Such Great Heights
Rain always made Sirius depressed. It seemed to have some power over him, and even the lightest drizzle would send him on the couch all day. When he woke up, he went to the kitchen and made some coffee, his hair tied back in a ribbon because it was hot in the flat. Fading love-bites were present on the back of his neck; he wished they would never go away. They proved that Remus still held some sort of physical attraction for him. When they were gone, maybe that attraction would be, too. He sat down at the table and drank slowly from his coffee, staring out at the rain. He hated London.
Remus woke up to the smell of coffee and crept out of bed in his pyjamas, going to the kitchen and blushing at the sight of Sirius showing off the remaining love-bites from their motorcycle ride three days before. They had been in the flat for a month, and he had thought they were doing fine until that ride. He could see the need in Sirius’s eyes to go riding, but it was raining, and he knew what that meant. Sirius was miserable.
He poured himself a cup and stood by the window, opening it and letting some air in. It smelled like rain. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the windowpane, sighing. “Did you sleep well, Sirius?” he asked in a very quiet voice, and he jumped when he felt a hand lightly on his hip. “Sirius, don’t.”
“I haven’t slept well in almost two years,” Sirius replied from beside him, and he turned to meet his gaze. “Remus, I want to talk to you about something important…” He took Remus’s shoulders and turned him towards him so they were looking at one another straight-on. Remus did not say anything, just looking out the window with a pensive look on his face. Sirius noted the play of the dim sunlight on his features; his pyjama top was askew just enough so that the sunlight caught on silver scar just beneath his collarbone, and he wanted to kiss it like he used to. “Will you look at me at least?”
Remus shook his head, worrying his lower lip as he stared absently at a spot on the windowpane. Sirius’s hand rested on his cheek and turned his head to him, and only then did Remus meet his eyes. “Sirius, I told you. Don’t.” His voice sounded as though it was on the edge of breaking, and he blushed because of it. “Please. Let’s not talk about it. I was done talking about it in sixth year, Sirius,” he said in a stronger voice, and he looked away again.
“Well I’m not done talking about it,” Sirius stated calmly, and when Remus’s eyes jumped to him again, he took advantage of him and leaned in to kiss him, thwarted by the turning of Remus’s cheek so his lips caught his jaw. “Damn it, Remus, I’m in love with you. You’re in love with me. We’re in love with each other, for god’s sake! Why the FUCK can’t we be like we used to?!” The more he spoke, the higher and more frantic his voice became, and he grabbed both of Remus’s cheeks to hold his head in place as he leaned in and conquered his lips for a split second before he pulled back but still held him like that. “You can’t tell me you don’t feel that!” he hissed.
Remus shoved him away, swiping at his lips, and he took a few steps backward, tripping over the end table and righting himself quickly. “No, Sirius! I don’t feel it! I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING FEEL IT!” he snapped, feeling quite maniacal in that moment, and he lifted the lamp off the table as though it could somehow protect him from Sirius’s advances. “You fucked up, Sirius! I can’t love you! Stop ASKING me!” He felt tears spring to his eyes unwillingly and growled, setting the lamp back down because he realized it could trap him there with its cord.
Sirius saw those tears, saw them tremble on the edges of his eyelashes, and as they fell he felt his heart shatter. He approached Remus again, wanting to dry those tears, but Remus lifted his hands and shook his head. “You’re a liar,” Sirius laughed, but it was not really laughter. “You’re the biggest fucking liar I’ve ever met, Remus John Lupin. How can you lie to yourself like that?”
“I’m NOT LYING!” Remus was losing control over his emotions; he needed to find an escape. He looked around and backed to the door, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack. “Get over me already! FUCK!” He punched the door hard before he threw it open, casting one last, teary look at Sirius with a shake of his head. “I’m never coming back to you, Sirius. NEVER. Get it out of your FUCKING head!” His voice trembled and broke on the final word, and his face crumpled before he flung himself out into the rain, running down the stairs and onto the sidewalk in the midst of the downpour.
Sirius stared at the doorway for a long time before he sank down to his knees and clutched at his chest, willing himself not to cry. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
He did.
Remus’s run slowed, and he slipped into an alley so he could Apparate. He stood momentarily in Diagon Alley, the tears easily mistaken for rain on his unprotected face, so no one passed him a glance from beneath their black umbrellas. The Alley was rather empty, and he walked down the middle, recalling where he and the rest of the Marauders had once gone together in the shops. He remembered the summer when Sirius stayed with him, remembered kissing him in front of Florean Fortescue’s with lips covered in caramel, remembered creeping down Knockturn Alley with him the one and only time.
This was tearing him apart.
As he walked, he stopped by a newsstand and was looking through magazines in an attempt to get his mind off of Sirius when the Daily Prophet’s headline caught his eye: “DARK MARK ANNOUNCES TWO MORE DEATHS.” He blinked a little-he did not try to keep up with the war because it frightened him, but the headline drew him. It was not an unusual headline, but the photograph beneath it was what snagged his interest.
The keeper of the stand saw him looking, and they gave a somber nod. “Tragic, really. If you know what’s best for you, you’ll keep out of this war.” Remus scarcely heard him as he reached down to pick up the Prophet, his eyes skimming the words. He had to blink several times to make them out properly, as they were cloudy from crying, and when the two names were mentioned, his hands convulsed and the paper fell in a flutter of wet paper, news scattered everywhere. “Hey, you’re going to pay for that!”
Remus choked and stared down at the scattered paper, his heart pounding and bile in his throat as the stand keeper admonished him. He was going to throw up. Without thinking, he Apparated from the spot.
Sirius had pulled himself together and was washing his face when he heard a loud slam against the door outside. Giving a terrible start, he hurried to the door and looked through the peephole, seeing nothing but black, so he opened the door and felt dread he had never experienced as Remus stood there shaking and obviously beyond tears. He looked broken, hollow standing there in the rain, and Sirius cursed before he pulled him inside.
Remus fell against his chest and buried his face in against Sirius’s neck, his shaking intensifying before he expelled a keening wail, an inhuman sound that chilled Sirius right through. “Remus, fuck, what’s wrong?!” he asked, clutching to his soaked form as he was screamed into. Remus could not manage a syllable, his hands reaching up and around Sirius’s neck and into his hair, clutching handfuls of it with such force that Sirius winced and dug his fingernails into Remus’s shoulder blades.
There was the unmistakable crack of someone Apparating just outside the open door, and Sirius looked up into Dumbledore’s eyes as the man invited himself in and laid his hand on Remus’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Remus.” His voice was very soft, and Sirius gave him a helpless look. Dumbledore closed his eyes and sighed. “Your parents were good people, Remus. I regret you had to find out from…another source.”
Sirius’s eyes widened and Remus pulled his hair harder, giving such a harsh sob that Dumbledore looked away. “I must return back to pressing business, I’m afraid. Sirius, I trust you will look after Remus closely.” The older man looked uncomfortable before he Apparated away, leaving Sirius alone with the grieving Remus.
Slowly, Sirius eased Remus’s grip on his hair and took him to the bathroom, stripping him of the wet clothes while he lay against him in a shaky silence with his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Sirius took one of the towels from the shower curtain rod and rubbed Remus’s nude form dry, warming him up with the friction of the terry cloth, and he wrapped him in a warm robe before he drew him into the bedroom and sat him on the bed, sitting next to him and wrapping his arms around him for the longest time. “I’m here, Remus,” he breathed into his ear, and he felt himself break down as Remus nodded fiercely. His heart broke for Remus, for the mother who had so embraced the relationship he held with Remus that fateful summer, and he touched his cheek to Remus’s hair as they cried silently together.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Summary: Part 34 of the Smitten series; Sirius begs Remus to come back to him, and the war hits very, very close to home for the two boys.
Warnings: Mention of character death
Need to catch up? http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2817005/1/ Then refer back to LJ for the pr0n. ^_~
!NEW! anothergirl415 and I have compiled a soundtrack for this story. The first cut here takes you to the links where you can download past tracks for these chapters.
For this chapter, please visit here and listen to: Chapter 34: When It Really Hit Him Jewel: Foolish Games
Chapter 1: My First Valentine: Postal Service: Angel Pumping Gas
Chapter 2: The Potions Essay: Plain White T's: Come on Over
Chapter 3: Toast and Honey: Frank Sinatra: I've Got You Under My Skin
Chapter 4: The First Kiss: Goo Goo Dolls: Iris
Chapter 5: Ira Dulcis: Jewel: Standing Still
Chapter 6: Loss of Face: Rammstein: Otherworld
Chapter 7: The Hospital Wing: Collide: Howie day
Chapter 8: Shy: Muse: Bliss
Chapter 9: The Letter: Muse: Butterflies and Hurricanes
Chapter 10: Tutoring Snape: Default: Wasting My Time
Chapter 11: That Day After: Yellowcard: Cigarette
Chapter 12: Exposed: Finch: Stay With Me
Chapter 13: Just Because All-American Rejects: Dance Inside
Chapter 14: Feeling Threatened: Muse: Apocalypse Now
Chapter 15: Meeting Remus's Parents: Third Eye Blind: Semi-Charmed Life
Chapter 16: The Home He Never Had: All-American Rejects: Dirty Little Secret
Chapter 17: The Shedding of Clothes: Massive Attack: Inertia Creeps
Chapter 18: The Awkward Talk: Third Eye Blind: Never Let You Go
Chapter 19: The Secret: Frank Sinatra: Fly Me to the Moon
Chapter 20: The Unexpected Reward: Alanis Morissette: All I Really Want
Chapter 21: Decline: Yellowcard: Only One
Chapter 22: Quiet: Third Eye Blind: Motorcycle Drive-By
Chapter 23: Unfortunate Discovery: Life of a Salesman: Yellowcard
Chapter 24: The End of an Era: Jewel: You Were Meant for Me
Chapter 25: Retreat: Plain White T's: Hey There Delilah
Chapter 26: The Morning of September First: Oasis: Wonderwall
Chapter 27: The First Success: SpillCanvas: This is For Keeps
Chapter 28: The Question of Christmas Olivia Olson: All I Want For Christmas Is You
Chapter 29: All To Themselves: Third Eye Blind: Blinded
Chapter 30: The Resident Fuck-up: Jimmy Eat World: 23
Chapter 31: Unfulfilled Plain White T's: The Lonely September
Chapter 32: Putting It All Behind Us Silverchair: After All These Years
Chapter 33: Motorcycle Romance The Postal Service: Such Great Heights
Rain always made Sirius depressed. It seemed to have some power over him, and even the lightest drizzle would send him on the couch all day. When he woke up, he went to the kitchen and made some coffee, his hair tied back in a ribbon because it was hot in the flat. Fading love-bites were present on the back of his neck; he wished they would never go away. They proved that Remus still held some sort of physical attraction for him. When they were gone, maybe that attraction would be, too. He sat down at the table and drank slowly from his coffee, staring out at the rain. He hated London.
Remus woke up to the smell of coffee and crept out of bed in his pyjamas, going to the kitchen and blushing at the sight of Sirius showing off the remaining love-bites from their motorcycle ride three days before. They had been in the flat for a month, and he had thought they were doing fine until that ride. He could see the need in Sirius’s eyes to go riding, but it was raining, and he knew what that meant. Sirius was miserable.
He poured himself a cup and stood by the window, opening it and letting some air in. It smelled like rain. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the windowpane, sighing. “Did you sleep well, Sirius?” he asked in a very quiet voice, and he jumped when he felt a hand lightly on his hip. “Sirius, don’t.”
“I haven’t slept well in almost two years,” Sirius replied from beside him, and he turned to meet his gaze. “Remus, I want to talk to you about something important…” He took Remus’s shoulders and turned him towards him so they were looking at one another straight-on. Remus did not say anything, just looking out the window with a pensive look on his face. Sirius noted the play of the dim sunlight on his features; his pyjama top was askew just enough so that the sunlight caught on silver scar just beneath his collarbone, and he wanted to kiss it like he used to. “Will you look at me at least?”
Remus shook his head, worrying his lower lip as he stared absently at a spot on the windowpane. Sirius’s hand rested on his cheek and turned his head to him, and only then did Remus meet his eyes. “Sirius, I told you. Don’t.” His voice sounded as though it was on the edge of breaking, and he blushed because of it. “Please. Let’s not talk about it. I was done talking about it in sixth year, Sirius,” he said in a stronger voice, and he looked away again.
“Well I’m not done talking about it,” Sirius stated calmly, and when Remus’s eyes jumped to him again, he took advantage of him and leaned in to kiss him, thwarted by the turning of Remus’s cheek so his lips caught his jaw. “Damn it, Remus, I’m in love with you. You’re in love with me. We’re in love with each other, for god’s sake! Why the FUCK can’t we be like we used to?!” The more he spoke, the higher and more frantic his voice became, and he grabbed both of Remus’s cheeks to hold his head in place as he leaned in and conquered his lips for a split second before he pulled back but still held him like that. “You can’t tell me you don’t feel that!” he hissed.
Remus shoved him away, swiping at his lips, and he took a few steps backward, tripping over the end table and righting himself quickly. “No, Sirius! I don’t feel it! I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING FEEL IT!” he snapped, feeling quite maniacal in that moment, and he lifted the lamp off the table as though it could somehow protect him from Sirius’s advances. “You fucked up, Sirius! I can’t love you! Stop ASKING me!” He felt tears spring to his eyes unwillingly and growled, setting the lamp back down because he realized it could trap him there with its cord.
Sirius saw those tears, saw them tremble on the edges of his eyelashes, and as they fell he felt his heart shatter. He approached Remus again, wanting to dry those tears, but Remus lifted his hands and shook his head. “You’re a liar,” Sirius laughed, but it was not really laughter. “You’re the biggest fucking liar I’ve ever met, Remus John Lupin. How can you lie to yourself like that?”
“I’m NOT LYING!” Remus was losing control over his emotions; he needed to find an escape. He looked around and backed to the door, grabbing his jacket from the coat rack. “Get over me already! FUCK!” He punched the door hard before he threw it open, casting one last, teary look at Sirius with a shake of his head. “I’m never coming back to you, Sirius. NEVER. Get it out of your FUCKING head!” His voice trembled and broke on the final word, and his face crumpled before he flung himself out into the rain, running down the stairs and onto the sidewalk in the midst of the downpour.
Sirius stared at the doorway for a long time before he sank down to his knees and clutched at his chest, willing himself not to cry. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
He did.
Remus’s run slowed, and he slipped into an alley so he could Apparate. He stood momentarily in Diagon Alley, the tears easily mistaken for rain on his unprotected face, so no one passed him a glance from beneath their black umbrellas. The Alley was rather empty, and he walked down the middle, recalling where he and the rest of the Marauders had once gone together in the shops. He remembered the summer when Sirius stayed with him, remembered kissing him in front of Florean Fortescue’s with lips covered in caramel, remembered creeping down Knockturn Alley with him the one and only time.
This was tearing him apart.
As he walked, he stopped by a newsstand and was looking through magazines in an attempt to get his mind off of Sirius when the Daily Prophet’s headline caught his eye: “DARK MARK ANNOUNCES TWO MORE DEATHS.” He blinked a little-he did not try to keep up with the war because it frightened him, but the headline drew him. It was not an unusual headline, but the photograph beneath it was what snagged his interest.
The keeper of the stand saw him looking, and they gave a somber nod. “Tragic, really. If you know what’s best for you, you’ll keep out of this war.” Remus scarcely heard him as he reached down to pick up the Prophet, his eyes skimming the words. He had to blink several times to make them out properly, as they were cloudy from crying, and when the two names were mentioned, his hands convulsed and the paper fell in a flutter of wet paper, news scattered everywhere. “Hey, you’re going to pay for that!”
Remus choked and stared down at the scattered paper, his heart pounding and bile in his throat as the stand keeper admonished him. He was going to throw up. Without thinking, he Apparated from the spot.
Sirius had pulled himself together and was washing his face when he heard a loud slam against the door outside. Giving a terrible start, he hurried to the door and looked through the peephole, seeing nothing but black, so he opened the door and felt dread he had never experienced as Remus stood there shaking and obviously beyond tears. He looked broken, hollow standing there in the rain, and Sirius cursed before he pulled him inside.
Remus fell against his chest and buried his face in against Sirius’s neck, his shaking intensifying before he expelled a keening wail, an inhuman sound that chilled Sirius right through. “Remus, fuck, what’s wrong?!” he asked, clutching to his soaked form as he was screamed into. Remus could not manage a syllable, his hands reaching up and around Sirius’s neck and into his hair, clutching handfuls of it with such force that Sirius winced and dug his fingernails into Remus’s shoulder blades.
There was the unmistakable crack of someone Apparating just outside the open door, and Sirius looked up into Dumbledore’s eyes as the man invited himself in and laid his hand on Remus’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Remus.” His voice was very soft, and Sirius gave him a helpless look. Dumbledore closed his eyes and sighed. “Your parents were good people, Remus. I regret you had to find out from…another source.”
Sirius’s eyes widened and Remus pulled his hair harder, giving such a harsh sob that Dumbledore looked away. “I must return back to pressing business, I’m afraid. Sirius, I trust you will look after Remus closely.” The older man looked uncomfortable before he Apparated away, leaving Sirius alone with the grieving Remus.
Slowly, Sirius eased Remus’s grip on his hair and took him to the bathroom, stripping him of the wet clothes while he lay against him in a shaky silence with his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Sirius took one of the towels from the shower curtain rod and rubbed Remus’s nude form dry, warming him up with the friction of the terry cloth, and he wrapped him in a warm robe before he drew him into the bedroom and sat him on the bed, sitting next to him and wrapping his arms around him for the longest time. “I’m here, Remus,” he breathed into his ear, and he felt himself break down as Remus nodded fiercely. His heart broke for Remus, for the mother who had so embraced the relationship he held with Remus that fateful summer, and he touched his cheek to Remus’s hair as they cried silently together.