I am stupid
I think that I have determined what happened. I am to blame for the demise of my relationship with Liz. I became too comfortable with the idea that we would always be together. I didn't treat her the way one would treat a girl you are in love with. Romance, whatever your defenition of the word may be, was not something I excelled in. I hadn't the first clue on how to show my love other than by saying it and spending nearly all of my time with her. But the time I spent was wasted doing the wrong things. I know this now, but I didn't then. I was a liar. I made promises that I didn't keep. I was lazy. I didn't try to improve myself for her, or even if I did attempt it I stopped the process because I was lethargic. I had no experience in having a relationship. I learned the hard way, by making all the wrong decisions and only realizing it after the fact. It hurts no matter what, however. The girl that I love is no longer mine. We are both inexperienced in life. But I'm now an adult. 21 years old. Reality in painful. I had her for nearly a year and a half. But where was I going? Marriage I thought was inevitable, just something that would happen. But what did that mean? Bart is 33 years old and he just got married this year, after being engaged for like 6 years or something. But then Jennifer is not Liz. I'm sure he went through all kinds of shit with her. The good and bad, but they stayed together. Look at me. I'm a 21 year old man, with atleast 1.5 years left of school. Then? The Army? I'm already in, and who knows if I won't get deployed before I even finish school. I have a vague idea of what I need to do, but I'm a fucking kid. Its like nothing was real to me until now. Like seeing the flame burning in front of me, but never truely believing that it could burn me if I touch it. Well I touched it, and it burns. Fuck, I'm in the flames right now and have been for awhile, but am only now realizing I'm on fire. I'm still a fool. I thought I was so fucking smart, that everything was so clear. Black and White. No doubts, no questions. I will continue learning the lessons of life until the day I die. I just wish I could have known how badly love hurts. Jesus help me. I hope to God that I will one day have her back. That she will one day love me again. Do you know how painful it is to imagine that I've lost her forever? That she will find someone else and fall in love with them and one day forget me? That our time together will just become a series of blurs, like it never occured? I refuse to accept such a future. God, I would do anything for her; do anything to make her happy and one day love me again. There's a Cinderella song(a horrible 80's hair band)which goes "You never know what you've got till its gone." I didn't realize what Liz meant to me until now. I have to accept the current situation as it is, and know that it will be this way for a long time. I hope that one day I'll get another chance. I hope that we really did love each other and that it can happen again. I need to grow up a lot before that'll ever happen. God give me the strength to become a good man. Love is the strongest and most wonderful human experience, but its also the most painful.