im sorry. you would know who you are better than i ever would.
I feel awkward and uncomfortable being around myself.
Everything seems horribly wrong again. i feel ill at the prospect of spending time with people.how can i ever have a decent conversation, when thinking to myself would make me blush.
i just want to be away from you so much.
i keep realising how much i dislike people again. like all of the little things i see in people. purposly isolating their friends, people pushing people away just so they return around their ankles more determined to be there friend than ever before. dont say words like 'err'at people and dont say nice things in spitefull tones. it hurts more than you know(untill someone does it to you).when you pretend you are better than someone else. even if its only in your head. your not. stop doing it. it makes you worse. your not always right, please please please beleive me, please please please stop.
I hate the expectations. i hate that i have to wake up and put on my clothes, i hate that i am nothing special i hate that everyone else seems wrapped up in this pool of 'good music' when all you really want to listen to is what you actually like. i hate that when people devote themselves to a category, they will shut down and close off to new things, but only untill the person who first reccomended what you are so 'obsessed' with makes a mistake, a fraudulent slip, and everyone is as they are now.
i want to listen to Tracy Chapman and Nelly Furtardo and be left alone. so i will. so i do. it dosnt matter though, because when you think about it, who you come across as now is nothing how you are, i would be surprised if you recognised yourself. think of yourself five years ago (less of course its less), think of yourself last week and remember how 'lame' you were...think of yourself now...your the sex! yeah! of course. of course you know in a few weeks time that phrase will be lame, so will the word 'lame' fucking hell. i cant fucking walk!
I also want to change my mind. i want to erase even the twitches from my mouth when i see someone just a little overweight-ok,maybe alot- wearing clown trousers (unintentionally funny) taking a walk. i want to be in a position where i can do this.this is what i am like though and its awfull that i know, you see...if i didnt, everything would be fine, i wouldnt ever be upset (or let you know) or even be writing this! no i dont like ska. i cant help but want to be happy. ska wont do this for me.i also cant help but think the only way to do this is to forget everything. but how can i do that? i cant sleep without remembering how much i dislike attitudes and conflict. fucking confrontation. why does there even need to be a reason to confront someone in the first place. maybe if it was like this, the world would be a very boring place. yeh, probably, but you know... i dont want to be in this place.
i want to spend time with my mum, (im not american and neither are you) because she is a genuinely nice person...she wants to make me happy, she tells me she loves me, i dont think she lies (sorry gran-'fibbs').she really tries with me and what do i do? fucking throw it back in her face, thats the kind of person i am...
why?
because im exactly like you.
Everything seems horribly wrong again. i feel ill at the prospect of spending time with people.how can i ever have a decent conversation, when thinking to myself would make me blush.
i just want to be away from you so much.
i keep realising how much i dislike people again. like all of the little things i see in people. purposly isolating their friends, people pushing people away just so they return around their ankles more determined to be there friend than ever before. dont say words like 'err'at people and dont say nice things in spitefull tones. it hurts more than you know(untill someone does it to you).when you pretend you are better than someone else. even if its only in your head. your not. stop doing it. it makes you worse. your not always right, please please please beleive me, please please please stop.
I hate the expectations. i hate that i have to wake up and put on my clothes, i hate that i am nothing special i hate that everyone else seems wrapped up in this pool of 'good music' when all you really want to listen to is what you actually like. i hate that when people devote themselves to a category, they will shut down and close off to new things, but only untill the person who first reccomended what you are so 'obsessed' with makes a mistake, a fraudulent slip, and everyone is as they are now.
i want to listen to Tracy Chapman and Nelly Furtardo and be left alone. so i will. so i do. it dosnt matter though, because when you think about it, who you come across as now is nothing how you are, i would be surprised if you recognised yourself. think of yourself five years ago (less of course its less), think of yourself last week and remember how 'lame' you were...think of yourself now...your the sex! yeah! of course. of course you know in a few weeks time that phrase will be lame, so will the word 'lame' fucking hell. i cant fucking walk!
I also want to change my mind. i want to erase even the twitches from my mouth when i see someone just a little overweight-ok,maybe alot- wearing clown trousers (unintentionally funny) taking a walk. i want to be in a position where i can do this.this is what i am like though and its awfull that i know, you see...if i didnt, everything would be fine, i wouldnt ever be upset (or let you know) or even be writing this! no i dont like ska. i cant help but want to be happy. ska wont do this for me.i also cant help but think the only way to do this is to forget everything. but how can i do that? i cant sleep without remembering how much i dislike attitudes and conflict. fucking confrontation. why does there even need to be a reason to confront someone in the first place. maybe if it was like this, the world would be a very boring place. yeh, probably, but you know... i dont want to be in this place.
i want to spend time with my mum, (im not american and neither are you) because she is a genuinely nice person...she wants to make me happy, she tells me she loves me, i dont think she lies (sorry gran-'fibbs').she really tries with me and what do i do? fucking throw it back in her face, thats the kind of person i am...
why?
because im exactly like you.