trouble

May 12, 2005 20:53

Today has not been good.

I woke up with a really sore throat and stayed in bed for as long as I could.

Welshy came round at about 1pm. I hate myself so much now. We hung out in my room for a bit and then he asked me if I was okay because I seemed a bit distant and it all came tumbling out. Everything I've been worrying about and holding back, my fears about being in a new relationship, my doubts about whether I should be with him ... everything. I kept telling him how much I thought of him and how I totally didn't want to hurt him and to my face he seemed composed and was just trying to work out what I was going on about ...

But his eyes told a different story. I wish I had just known myself right from the start and not had to be such a ... messy, messy messed up girl. I said give me some time to think about it because the last thing I want to do is rush into a decision that I'll regret.

Why did he have to like me, love me even? He never deserved me, because as nice and innocent or whatever the fuck it is I look like on the outside, inside I am pathetic and lonely and I never know what I want, when I have to make a decision.

I think I did the best thing by talking to him about it now. If I'd left it I would have ended up in such a state of worry and fear, and when it came to having the talk it would have gone very very badly and even more hurtfully. I never wanted to hurt him. He didn't deserve it. I hope he's okay.

I need some time alone to work myself out. To get over that other guy who totally ... messed up my head.

I never thought I would have ended up hurting a guy like Welshy, such a sweet, kind person like him. But I think I have. I'm just going to have to live with that. I think it's my turn to be hurt. But that already happened, didn't it?

:(

"Oh no, I see
The spider web is tangled up with me
And I lost my head
And thought of all the stupid things I'd said

Oh no, what's this?
A spider web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turn to run
And thought of all the stupid things I'd done

And I never meant to cause you trouble
I never meant to do you wrong
And ah, well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm"
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