the weekend of october 10, 2003

[bonesmonkey]

i think this is how it went...i started my period on friday. it was so horrible that mom wanted to take me to the ER cause she thought i was having a miscarriage. (turns out that i got pregnant on this day somehow...i wasnt around ANY guy on this day and didnt have sex within a week before or after this day...go figure!) me and mom stayed up until 6 in the morning, fell asleep for an hour, then woke up on saturday and went to take my SATs. me and mom were supposed to spend the weekend together, but jim came over so i called matthew and asked him to come get me and take me to suzies. sunday was boring. monday mom tried to make me walk home all the way from the southside to the westside. she finally ended up coming to get me and on the way home, right across from the regency mall, i told her i thought it would be better if i just moved in with suzie and i could transfer to sandalwood. she freaked out and pulled over and told me to walk back to suzies if that was wut i wanted. i got out and she threw me up against the car and almost punched me then she pushed me back in the car after she threatened me saying she was gonna call the cops and all that bs. when we got home, she took back the ring that she had given me (it was her wedding ring) and told me to pack my stuff. i called charlie and asked him to come get me...he said call back in 30 minutes cause he was eating. i went in the room cause i was going to pack some stuff and mom came in the room. she told me i was throwing everything away and i was a total disappointment and failure. i told her i wasnt happy there anymore and i didnt feel like it was even a home. i told her i was tired of being there alone all the time while she was off pretty much living with her boyfriend and sam was...where ever he went doing wutever it was that he did. i said i was tired of being hungry all the time because since neither one of them were ever there, there were never any groceries in the house. i told her i was just tired of everything, tired of feeling depressed all the time. i went to go call charlie back cause mom went into her room. as soon as i picked up the phone, i heard a click that sounded like a gun. i tried to ignore it cause i didnt THINK my mom was that stupid. before i could dial the last number mom came out and stood in the doorway crying. she had her hand behind her back, obviously hiding something. she said "sara, i love you so much and if youre leaving me, i have no reason to live." she pulled a gun out from behind her back and pointed it at her head. i told her that i still would always love her and would always be her daughter no matter wut. i just had to do this for myself. i couldnt get the gun from her. she had a death grip on it and everytime i would go to grab it, she'd tell me that the safety was already off and the gun was loaded. (that was the clicking that i heard) all she had to do was pull the trigger. i somehow managed to get her to lay on the bed but she still had the gun pointed at her face. i called jim and asked him wut to do. he told me to call 911 so i did. while i waited for them, mom told me that she was sorry she had failed me as a mother, but she failed everyone, starting with her father. i told her it wasnt her fault and that i would still need her no matter where i was. (oh yeah, turns out she thought i would still be living with her when i was in college and forever after that.) the cops came and twisted the gun out of her hand and put cuffs on her for their "safety". after that she would barely look at me. when she did, her eyes were so full of hate and she looked so disgusted. jim came over and then sam came home. sam called me a selfish little bitch and said "i cant believe youd do this to your mother after everything shes done for you." he said this because since it was his gun that she tried to take her life with, he had to get rid of his guns! the cops said they were going to baker act her. jim took me to suzies and i cried all night. the next day i found out she had been admitted to ten broeck on beach blvd so jim took me to see her. she seemed happy to see me. she apologized for everything and told me shed accept me living with suzie; she just wanted me to be happy. i called her everyday for the 3 weeks she was in there, but no one would let me see her. she signed all her medical rights over to her sister so her sister did everything in her power to keep me from my mother. she even convinced my mom that i never called and i didnt come and see her. she told her that it was just her medicine making her imagine things. no one would let me talk to her when she got out. when i would call jim would say she was sleeping or didnt feel like talking. it finally got to the point that they asked me not to call anymore. her sister would call me and suzie and cuss us out and then turn around and tell my mom that we didnt want anything to do with her and we said we hated her. they wouldnt tell her that i called or anything. they even took her cell phone away. i continued to call a couple times a week and i called her on the holidays and would leave a voice mail saying i loved her and missed her. she finally called me on january 14th. she had gotten her phone back and listened to the message i left her on christmas and decided to call me. we talked about her treatment. (she was diagnosed: bi-polar, manic depressant, suicidal) i told her i was pregnant so she was going to be a grandma. she said she would love to be apart of my life and the babys. we started talking everyday and shed come and see me every once in a while. she moved to middleburg with jim and his "brother". shes working in st. augustine and hopes to move out on her own soon. she was in the delivery room with me (along with charlie and his mom, myra) and now we're down to talking maybe once a week and i've only seen her twice in the past 2 months.

me and charlie are doing good...we're still dealing with the same problems, but we're a family now so you have to learn to deal with things a little better and drop the petty bs. hes changed alot and hes a wonderful daddy.

me and his mom get along really good since i gave her a grandson. she quit being an alcoholic and turned out to be a great person and a wonderful "mee ma". she left taz and is with this guy named john. hes sweet, but so not her type. meanwhile, taz is with some crazy bitch that he cant get rid of...hes thrown her out probably 6 or 7 times in the past month, but shes always back the next day when he comes home from work. shes always up charlies butt cause she knows taz sees charlie as his son and hes the only one that can get through to taz...she thinks she is "grandma" to my son but shes got another thing coming. myra is taking care of that for me. i hope her and taz get back together soon. theyre perfect for each other.

i've moved a bunch, but i'm back on the southside now. i finally got charlie to quit hanging out with mark. i ruined that friendship big time. we lived with him for a couple months and charlie realized wut a jerk and dumb ass he was. he'd borrow money from us and not pay us back. he borrowed $400 from us one day and didnt pay us back. he went out and blew it on stupid crap. then turned around and asked us for rent money the next week. he was even dealing all kinds of drugs out of the house. i told charlie there was no way i was going to have our baby around that stuff. i dunno...he was crazy!

i have a beautiful baby boy...Noah Warren Vail. he was 7 lbs 4.9 oz. and 20 inches long. he has red hair, but hes adorable. he'll be 2 months old in 8 days. i never imagined i could love someone this much. that is a bond and love that no one can ever break. i know i'm too young to have a kid just yet, but i have no regrets. there is no way i would ever say hes a mistake. hes actually the best thing that has ever happened to me!!! =P