Confessions Of A Teenage Sam Goody Employee -or- The Freaks Who Buy Porn From Me!
So, I've been working at Sam Goody for about..ooohhh...let's say...nine months. I realized that about a month ago, I was starting to recognize certain customers.
Cat Poop Guy (A memorable experience in itself)
Creepy Fingernail Guy (Fingernails as long as my pinkie, I washed my hands, TWICE)
Ed (Nice guy...being used)
Anime Lady (40+ outside, 17+ inside)
And the worst of all time...The PORN Guys.
Believe it or not, we have regular porn guys. These seem to be the ones that stay fresh in my mind...possibly because they scare the LIVING shit out of me. Normally I work Saturday afternoons through evenings. I seem to attract the REAL crazies! Lucky me. They all seem to be made from the same mold, cut form the same cloth. Overweigth, 30 somehthing, glasses, greasy uncombed hair, hands that I wouldn't THINK about touching. That kind of person, you all know one. And then theres' the thing that REALLY get me...the guys who have their WIVES but the porn for them. That really has to blow...not having enough dignity to buy your own porn, but having your WIFE do it for you.
To understand my obsession and deep rooted loathing of these men I'll first have to explain a little bit.
It's probably January...about a week after the Christmas Return Rush...I have this guy come up to the counter. He lays his "Maurices" (he made it a point to...point...this out to me) bags down on the counter! Hands me something to the affect of "Piggy Slut 4" and then proceeds to whip out his cell phone speaking at about 8 BILLION decibals for five minutes while the line piles up behind him. After a hurried, "Sorry, that was VERY important," I begin ringing him up. Just as I'm abotu to hit the total button Mr. Important walks off citing, "I have to pick up somehtng for my kid...I'll be right back...Don't ring anybody else up." Mr. Important comes back after a few seconds...
"Where's Cinderella?"
"In the Moratorium Sir."
"Where's the Moratorium?" Says the boob looking around.
Down the stairs and to the left. "It's in the Disney Vault Sir."
"No it's not."
This is what PISSES me off. When customers try to ARGUE with me, when I KNOW I'm right. "Yes it is Sir. Would you like me to show you on our system that it's in the Vault?"
"Well your system's WRONG."
Our system is NOT wrong. Cinderella is being re-released in October on DVD. I kindly explain this to him, while he raves about his friend who WORK(ed) for Disney. I've HAD it with this guy. So has Heather.
YAY for my boss! She walks over, looks this guy straight in the eye and says "Sir, it's obviously not here. What would you like us ro do, pull it out of our ASSES?"
OMFG!
That hasn't happened since!
So Mr. Important lays down "Lilo and Stitch" along with...oh what was it..."Rubber Sluts 5"??? Pays with his nice new debit card and leaves in a huff without signing his slip.
THOSE OF YOU WHO THOUGHT I WAS DONE ARE WRONG...DEAD WRONG!!!
It must be like 8:45...fifteen minutes until close.
Fucker comes back in.
GOD DAMMIT!
Heather is cleaning the break room, so no help there.
Mr. Important lays down his new DVD. He wants a refund!
I open up the DVD to make sure everythnig is alright with it, pop out he disk and my hand is met with a sudden wet sensation. I look down and my thumb is sitting in this thin milky-white liquid. MY THUMB IS LAYING IN THIS GUYS SEMEN! Cool as a cucumber I lay the CD down as tell him that I can't take the DVD back.
In comes the complaining.
OH SCREW THIS!
I go to the back room, tell Heather that she's wanted up front.
Flash forward to about 5 minutes later. I sneak out of the backroom, preferring to clean the bathroom and scrub my defiled hands, I hear a very loud voice address me.
"Adam?"
"Yes?"
"Was that COME on that DVD?"
"Uuuummm....can we just send it back and say no?"
So...screams and "eeeeewwws" aside, sitting in a box in some warehouse for defective merchendice sits Horny Housewives 6 with a slip of paper on it...Brand-So and so...Model-What's it's face...Defect-Splooge!
Confessions 2...COMING SOON!
Cat Poop Guy (A memorable experience in itself)
Creepy Fingernail Guy (Fingernails as long as my pinkie, I washed my hands, TWICE)
Ed (Nice guy...being used)
Anime Lady (40+ outside, 17+ inside)
And the worst of all time...The PORN Guys.
Believe it or not, we have regular porn guys. These seem to be the ones that stay fresh in my mind...possibly because they scare the LIVING shit out of me. Normally I work Saturday afternoons through evenings. I seem to attract the REAL crazies! Lucky me. They all seem to be made from the same mold, cut form the same cloth. Overweigth, 30 somehthing, glasses, greasy uncombed hair, hands that I wouldn't THINK about touching. That kind of person, you all know one. And then theres' the thing that REALLY get me...the guys who have their WIVES but the porn for them. That really has to blow...not having enough dignity to buy your own porn, but having your WIFE do it for you.
To understand my obsession and deep rooted loathing of these men I'll first have to explain a little bit.
It's probably January...about a week after the Christmas Return Rush...I have this guy come up to the counter. He lays his "Maurices" (he made it a point to...point...this out to me) bags down on the counter! Hands me something to the affect of "Piggy Slut 4" and then proceeds to whip out his cell phone speaking at about 8 BILLION decibals for five minutes while the line piles up behind him. After a hurried, "Sorry, that was VERY important," I begin ringing him up. Just as I'm abotu to hit the total button Mr. Important walks off citing, "I have to pick up somehtng for my kid...I'll be right back...Don't ring anybody else up." Mr. Important comes back after a few seconds...
"Where's Cinderella?"
"In the Moratorium Sir."
"Where's the Moratorium?" Says the boob looking around.
Down the stairs and to the left. "It's in the Disney Vault Sir."
"No it's not."
This is what PISSES me off. When customers try to ARGUE with me, when I KNOW I'm right. "Yes it is Sir. Would you like me to show you on our system that it's in the Vault?"
"Well your system's WRONG."
Our system is NOT wrong. Cinderella is being re-released in October on DVD. I kindly explain this to him, while he raves about his friend who WORK(ed) for Disney. I've HAD it with this guy. So has Heather.
YAY for my boss! She walks over, looks this guy straight in the eye and says "Sir, it's obviously not here. What would you like us ro do, pull it out of our ASSES?"
OMFG!
That hasn't happened since!
So Mr. Important lays down "Lilo and Stitch" along with...oh what was it..."Rubber Sluts 5"??? Pays with his nice new debit card and leaves in a huff without signing his slip.
THOSE OF YOU WHO THOUGHT I WAS DONE ARE WRONG...DEAD WRONG!!!
It must be like 8:45...fifteen minutes until close.
Fucker comes back in.
GOD DAMMIT!
Heather is cleaning the break room, so no help there.
Mr. Important lays down his new DVD. He wants a refund!
I open up the DVD to make sure everythnig is alright with it, pop out he disk and my hand is met with a sudden wet sensation. I look down and my thumb is sitting in this thin milky-white liquid. MY THUMB IS LAYING IN THIS GUYS SEMEN! Cool as a cucumber I lay the CD down as tell him that I can't take the DVD back.
In comes the complaining.
OH SCREW THIS!
I go to the back room, tell Heather that she's wanted up front.
Flash forward to about 5 minutes later. I sneak out of the backroom, preferring to clean the bathroom and scrub my defiled hands, I hear a very loud voice address me.
"Adam?"
"Yes?"
"Was that COME on that DVD?"
"Uuuummm....can we just send it back and say no?"
So...screams and "eeeeewwws" aside, sitting in a box in some warehouse for defective merchendice sits Horny Housewives 6 with a slip of paper on it...Brand-So and so...Model-What's it's face...Defect-Splooge!
Confessions 2...COMING SOON!