fasting
so that whole starting te fast thing yesterday didnt work. first my mom makes grilled cheese in the morning and i was like no im not hungry and she was like sit down with us and eat. so i threw half at the dog, then took off te crust and was really only left with like two bites..then i kept the second bite in my mouth and spit it out in the bathroom.
then she brings me home candy from home depot i was likek oh my god woman stop trying to make me fattttttttttt! but i ate it.
then for dinner they got me my own thing of cheesy bread from dominos i was like holy shit. so i ate like 4 pieces of it..and then went in the bathroom and got rid of it. i HATE throwing up stuff like bread and pizza and chocolate. those to me, are the worst things to purge.
so i mean i guess i didnt end up eating THAT much but was just pissed about it all day.
so today i havent eaten anything yet. its only 230. i did a bump of my shit this morning. i think im gunna do some more cuz it def helps not eating. my parents just seem to push the eating thing more so lately.
i dont know why but they are always making comments like oh those pants used to be tight on you. or your arms look really small, you have definately lost weight.
its like bitch look at the scale NO I HAVENT. i dont know what the fuck they are talking about my arms are definately the ANTI small right now and my legs eww can we not even think about going threre.
sometimes i just feel so totally hopeless..like ill never be skinny. i have just been stuck in a binge session for a while now and its SO hard to get out of it. even though with every bite i hate myself more and more i cant stop..
ohhhhhh good news!!! soo the boy hasnt found any oxys for a decent price so i got him to agree to bring me some boy!!!!!!!! im SOO excited. i havent done boy in a LONG time like 2 months i think. (thats good considering for hte past like 4 years ive done it everyday) but what makes it even wierder is that last night i totally had a dream about shooting up. and i was freaking AMAZING at it. you knowsometimes you just suck and cant find a vein or some people cant do it at all..well i could sometimes do it. depending on how sick i was or if i was already fucked up or if i wa just way to stressed then i couldnt hit myself worth a damn. but in my dream i just found one first time everytime..and just oh man the blood going back into the needle in my dream just makes me cringe..i miss it so much...its so hard to not just fall back into that..well whatever ill write more later im gunna go n ap or something..
EDIT: note to self: talking to your alcoholic father will almost always ruin a fast.
then she brings me home candy from home depot i was likek oh my god woman stop trying to make me fattttttttttt! but i ate it.
then for dinner they got me my own thing of cheesy bread from dominos i was like holy shit. so i ate like 4 pieces of it..and then went in the bathroom and got rid of it. i HATE throwing up stuff like bread and pizza and chocolate. those to me, are the worst things to purge.
so i mean i guess i didnt end up eating THAT much but was just pissed about it all day.
so today i havent eaten anything yet. its only 230. i did a bump of my shit this morning. i think im gunna do some more cuz it def helps not eating. my parents just seem to push the eating thing more so lately.
i dont know why but they are always making comments like oh those pants used to be tight on you. or your arms look really small, you have definately lost weight.
its like bitch look at the scale NO I HAVENT. i dont know what the fuck they are talking about my arms are definately the ANTI small right now and my legs eww can we not even think about going threre.
sometimes i just feel so totally hopeless..like ill never be skinny. i have just been stuck in a binge session for a while now and its SO hard to get out of it. even though with every bite i hate myself more and more i cant stop..
ohhhhhh good news!!! soo the boy hasnt found any oxys for a decent price so i got him to agree to bring me some boy!!!!!!!! im SOO excited. i havent done boy in a LONG time like 2 months i think. (thats good considering for hte past like 4 years ive done it everyday) but what makes it even wierder is that last night i totally had a dream about shooting up. and i was freaking AMAZING at it. you knowsometimes you just suck and cant find a vein or some people cant do it at all..well i could sometimes do it. depending on how sick i was or if i was already fucked up or if i wa just way to stressed then i couldnt hit myself worth a damn. but in my dream i just found one first time everytime..and just oh man the blood going back into the needle in my dream just makes me cringe..i miss it so much...its so hard to not just fall back into that..well whatever ill write more later im gunna go n ap or something..
EDIT: note to self: talking to your alcoholic father will almost always ruin a fast.