pick up the straw..or leave it down for the night?
well...i was right about going on a binge. i did like the whole fucking 8ball last night dude. i was fucking tweaking like a mother fucker. my heart was just going nuts i just couldnt stop. i was paranoid as a mother fucker though. i kept hearing things and thinking my parents were outside my door. then id be like no lauren its 330 in the morning they are SLEEPING(like uhh normal people!). so today i did a SMALL ass bump b4 work(2 hours of sleep-&& i was woken up 15 minutes b4 i had to leave-ughh not cool) and a lil one after work..or two i did i think? but really small. i cant believe the whole things like gone. thats like almost 2 8balls in a fucking week. i need to chillllllllll. but i do feel smaller. well maybe for about 10 minutes combined for the whole day i do.
okay wierd but even after my horrible fuck up last night[[eating binge]] i LOST. only .6 pounds but shit..that put me at 117.2 this morning. im kidna nervous to weigh myself now though..only because well today i had the boss stop at whole foods because idk i just wanted food..i wasnt hungry i just WANTED it..but i didnt even WANT bad food. i went in wanting and having EVERY intention on getting my favorites at the salad bar [[spinach, cucumbers, brocolli, cauliflower, && sweet n sour tofu]] BUT they didnt have the right kind of tofu so i was like fuck that. then the boss decides to get pizza. yeah you got it..caved and got a piece..then to make it worse i got TWO cookies. and not even the usual, vegan choc chip-i got regular old sugar cookies. eww fattie much? im soooo grosssssssss.
and its like people keep telling me i look good and smaller but i dont see it. like today boss was driving and i was sitting looking out the window and i looked in the side mirror thingy right? what do i see? the fat seriously just HANGING off the bottom of my arm. it was just hanging there waiting for me to move so it could jiggle. im not even fucking kidding i just looked at it and touched it like is this fucking for real? how is that even possible?! thats the arm i do EVERYTHING with at work like it is REALLY strong and a big old muscle when i flex it!(well not like huge but you know) and then my other arm i NEVER use and it doesnt have that..OR the muscle. what the fuck gives? and i dont know i just noticed it was just like THERE--laughing at me. i dont know..
the one thing i DO know that is getting smaller/tighter is my back. because when i sit and hunch over my spine never used to show/stick out. and now it is starting to alot more than ever before and soemtimes(this is gross) when i sit like this i feel it or something and the thought of the bone sticking out thru my skin on my back comes into my head and it makes me cringe and then i think of how amazing that would be..bones. thats what i want. i dont really want to weigh 89 pounds..i want to weight ZERO pounds. nothing. im sick of all this muscle and fat and just stuff thats there for no fucking reason. who needs all this shit? gross...
the thing that bothers me the MOST on my body is not my thighs or even my arms..and its not so much my "love handles" but like the area on my backside right ABOVE my ass. ya know? back fat. i dont know what to do to get rid of it..its SO stubborn. i really think.. that its getting bigger? i must be going crazy. but arghhhh. it makes me freaking wanna rip my hair out sometimes..
do you know how hard it is knowing the coke is like 5 feet away from me? i NEED to try and be strong....i have to get SOME sleep....i REALLY wish i had some fucking boy. or some OCs would be great right about now actually..really fucking great. dammit.
did i mention that my boyfriend uhmm..doesnt know about my little recent coke habit? yeah i know he'll freak out. he used to never say anything about my eating/lack there of/purging. hes sat thru MANY of my binge && purge sessions. he knows when im restricting/fasting. and has said yeah he wants me to be skinny. but lately hes been all dont take this any further blah blah. hes still in _ _ so he doesnt even know..im scared when he lives with me hes going to notice alot. well see me sitting on here for hours at a time..typing..trolling..ya know? and then the coke thing..he'll know if im high. or when i keep disapearing and come back sniffing..and then when he comes we are getting a JOINED bank account..and guess whos in charge of the checkbook?! mmm yeah..ME. thatll be great..i neeeeed him to be okay with this..(coke) or stop doing it..haha. im not stoping until im ATLEAST breaking into double digits for real..
i guess im gunna go distract myself so i dont do some...i cant i cant...no eating either fuck...i cant exercise im so dead from working double shifts all the time/no sleep.
(btw just told the bf botu the coke..i didnt tell him the EXTENT that i was doing it..but he was cool..yay. well he said if he thinks its becoming a problem(with me or money) we'll have to deal with it..he dont even know...)
okay wierd but even after my horrible fuck up last night[[eating binge]] i LOST. only .6 pounds but shit..that put me at 117.2 this morning. im kidna nervous to weigh myself now though..only because well today i had the boss stop at whole foods because idk i just wanted food..i wasnt hungry i just WANTED it..but i didnt even WANT bad food. i went in wanting and having EVERY intention on getting my favorites at the salad bar [[spinach, cucumbers, brocolli, cauliflower, && sweet n sour tofu]] BUT they didnt have the right kind of tofu so i was like fuck that. then the boss decides to get pizza. yeah you got it..caved and got a piece..then to make it worse i got TWO cookies. and not even the usual, vegan choc chip-i got regular old sugar cookies. eww fattie much? im soooo grosssssssss.
and its like people keep telling me i look good and smaller but i dont see it. like today boss was driving and i was sitting looking out the window and i looked in the side mirror thingy right? what do i see? the fat seriously just HANGING off the bottom of my arm. it was just hanging there waiting for me to move so it could jiggle. im not even fucking kidding i just looked at it and touched it like is this fucking for real? how is that even possible?! thats the arm i do EVERYTHING with at work like it is REALLY strong and a big old muscle when i flex it!(well not like huge but you know) and then my other arm i NEVER use and it doesnt have that..OR the muscle. what the fuck gives? and i dont know i just noticed it was just like THERE--laughing at me. i dont know..
the one thing i DO know that is getting smaller/tighter is my back. because when i sit and hunch over my spine never used to show/stick out. and now it is starting to alot more than ever before and soemtimes(this is gross) when i sit like this i feel it or something and the thought of the bone sticking out thru my skin on my back comes into my head and it makes me cringe and then i think of how amazing that would be..bones. thats what i want. i dont really want to weigh 89 pounds..i want to weight ZERO pounds. nothing. im sick of all this muscle and fat and just stuff thats there for no fucking reason. who needs all this shit? gross...
the thing that bothers me the MOST on my body is not my thighs or even my arms..and its not so much my "love handles" but like the area on my backside right ABOVE my ass. ya know? back fat. i dont know what to do to get rid of it..its SO stubborn. i really think.. that its getting bigger? i must be going crazy. but arghhhh. it makes me freaking wanna rip my hair out sometimes..
do you know how hard it is knowing the coke is like 5 feet away from me? i NEED to try and be strong....i have to get SOME sleep....i REALLY wish i had some fucking boy. or some OCs would be great right about now actually..really fucking great. dammit.
did i mention that my boyfriend uhmm..doesnt know about my little recent coke habit? yeah i know he'll freak out. he used to never say anything about my eating/lack there of/purging. hes sat thru MANY of my binge && purge sessions. he knows when im restricting/fasting. and has said yeah he wants me to be skinny. but lately hes been all dont take this any further blah blah. hes still in _ _ so he doesnt even know..im scared when he lives with me hes going to notice alot. well see me sitting on here for hours at a time..typing..trolling..ya know? and then the coke thing..he'll know if im high. or when i keep disapearing and come back sniffing..and then when he comes we are getting a JOINED bank account..and guess whos in charge of the checkbook?! mmm yeah..ME. thatll be great..i neeeeed him to be okay with this..(coke) or stop doing it..haha. im not stoping until im ATLEAST breaking into double digits for real..
i guess im gunna go distract myself so i dont do some...i cant i cant...no eating either fuck...i cant exercise im so dead from working double shifts all the time/no sleep.
(btw just told the bf botu the coke..i didnt tell him the EXTENT that i was doing it..but he was cool..yay. well he said if he thinks its becoming a problem(with me or money) we'll have to deal with it..he dont even know...)