Dedicated to Ros and Rue and whoever else can get through it. D:
THE COMPLETE AND NONSENSICAL GUIDE TO KIMIMARO/RUE
(OR IS THAT RUE/KIMIMARO?)
Let me preface this by saying that this is going to be the worst essay in the history of ever. I mean, it's 4 pages long, and I started writing YoujixIkkaku porn halfway through this, which probably says something about both the coherency of this thing and, well, me. (Needless to say, the porn has been removed from the essay.) ...now that that's out of the way!
BACKSTORY
Kimimaro met Rue mid-December, if I remember correctly, and there was nothing particularly interesting about that meeting. Kimi was being emo and generally unhelpful, and he really did not think much of the entire thing.
I think the deaging happened shortly after? It was around Christmas, is all I know. Shouta!Kimi met Rue and absolutely adored him, because Rue was all nice and maternal and not saying confusing or mean things like some of the other people. Because Shouta!Kimi had never had that before, he was immediately drawn to him and showed his affection in the only way he knew how: by promising to protect him. So, he re-aged and was terribly embarassed, upset and volatile about the entire thing, and told Rue that things he said as a child really couldn't carry over (...ha). There was also some conversation about Orochimaru here, because Kimi can talk someone to death about that subject, and despite just saying that everything he did/said as a child should be forgotten, really, it had made him comfortable with Rue, so he was being a bit more candid than he normally would.
Then there was a conversation during/before/after(?) New Year's where Kimimaro talked to Rue about loving Orochimaru. Again, not really because he was comfortable with Rue, but because he is a retard. I'm pretty sure this is the first time Rue kissed him; it was on the cheek, but it still threw him off pretty badly. Okay, around the same time, there was the New Year's party. Kimi butted in when he saw Rue talking to Cal, then consumed the inhibition-lowering drink, and... ended up crawling into bed with Rue later that night. Of course, he was also completely embarassed and confused about it afterwards. Even more confusing, though, was that Rue said he could stay over anytime he wanted while Rue was away at the barrier.
Over the next month, they had a few conversations about feelings, attraction, etc., etc. wherein I think it was firmly established that Kimimaro is a complete idiot when it comes to emotions. He started getting very uncomfortable very quickly when Rue would touch him or make comments about his attractiveness.
After that, there were a few incidents. After Kimimaro fought Kenpachi, and got some pretty bad injuries, he stayed in Rue's cabin again overnight, and there was touching, and it was all very surreal to him, but he was too beaten to really complain. There was a bad attempt at flirting at some point around here. At one point, Rue turned into his son, and Kimimaro took it upon himself to try and handle the situation, so he gave the cabin to him for the night. Then there was Valentine's Day, where Kimimaro was told that you were supposed to give chocolates to your friends, which lead to him pretending not to attend the chocolate-making thing, and getting into a bitchfight with Itachi over it. He gave the chocolates to Rue, after nervously trying to explain about the thing with Abrimel/Wolf, and there was much awkwardness. I think that... this was around the time Kimi started regularly sharing a bed with Rue.
Some crap happened, and things came to a head between Itachi and Kimimaro. Kimi told Rue he was going to fight and probably die, Rue slapped him, and Kimimaro just got angrier. But even though Kimi was pissed, he was also incredibly afraid, so he ended up asking Rue if he could stay the night, and he did, even though he was still pretty cranky about it and tried to get Rue to stop touching him. The next day, Kimimaro and Itachi fought, Kimi got thoroughly fucked via mindrape, and that was the end of that.
Blahblahblah, more stuff happened, including Kimi asking Rue if he could stay with him permanently, Kimi threatening Swift for almost no reason, the "I would make you Wraeththu if I could" thing, the attempted Wraeththu orgy/grissecon, etc., etc. The relationship was basically solidying quickly. This is getting really, really long, so I won't mention every interaction (I can't remember them all, anyway), but... yeah. At this point, they're close and getting closer, and Kimimaro is starting to ease up a little. He doesn't flinch when Rue kisses him anymore, and will actually reciprocate back; not to mention initiate the kiss some of the time. Gasp.
This brings us to recent events and...
ON THE SUBJECT OF FEELINGS
To start, I'll just say that Kimimaro only realized that they might be something a little more than "friends" one or two months ago. Even with the kissing and the bedsharing and the caring, he was convinced, most of the time, that they were just friends. He even said as much on a few occassions, both to Rue and other people. Recently, he's acknowledged that's not entirely true. Smart boy.
Kimimaro's feelings for Rue are... hard to explain, mostly because Kimi's views on every relationship are incredibly skewed by his feelings for Orochimaru. Kimimaro loves Orochimaru; he'll kill for him, die for him, he worships the ground he walks on. Because Kimi classifies this as "love", he thinks that this is the only thing love is, or can be. As a result of this, anything that does not match his feelings for Orochimaru (and nothing ever, ever will) is not love, because they do not inspire the same feelings in him, regardless of whether or not it might actually be love (or something another person would classify as love). Does that makes sense? It made sense in my head. This isn't to say that Kimimaro is in love with Rue, because he's not. After all, while 8 months seems like a long time, it... really isn't, and it's definitely not enough time to undo Kimimaro's firmly set notions of How Things Should Be. However, Kimi has had to acknowledge that yes, he does have feelings for Rue, and yes, some of them are the squishy, romantic sort (this dawned on him during this Delirium post). He rarely ever acts on those emotions, but they're still there, and he's starting to get used to them and dislike them less.
The hard part of this, and where all the emotional retardism comes from, is that Orochimaru is Kimimaro's life. He's spent years having nothing but the idea of living for his master as the ideal drilled into his head. He is thoroughly and completely brainwashed, even if he doesn't see it. I mean, his feelings for Orochimaru were so strong that he managed to get his diseased and bedridden, 90%-dead body into gear and not only move around (which would have been a feat on it's own), but fight pretty impressively, on sheer willpower, to deliver his replacement to his master. Being at camp is simply the longest Kimimaro has been without Orochimaru since he was taken in by him. It's driving him even more insane than he was before, and throwing him off a lot, especially since he's absolutely sure that Orochimaru is much too clever to end up at camp, so he's certain that he'll never see him again. Since he has no master around to tell him what do now, and he's extremely uncomfortable with having to think for himself, the people around him are having a lot more influence than they normally would. Rue is, obviously, one of those people. And it's just so easy and simple for him to fall into the habit of listening to Rue, so he does it a lot--mostly without realizing or admitting to it. It should also be noted that the times when Kimimaro takes the initiative with Rue are also the times when he's angry or upset with something; he's so out of practice with dealing with emotions that they all tend to bleed into one another. For example, aggression directed at Itachi will eventually turn into aggression directed at Rue; except one's the good sort of aggression that leads to making out.
But really, what this all comes down to is that Kimimaro likes Rue. He's even admitted it, which was a huge first for him, and all sorts of awkward. Kimi wants to protect Rue, mostly, and will jump to his defense rather quickly. He threatened Swift just because Rue commented that he made him uncomfortable, as an example. If it comes to his attention that someone is hurting, or intends to hurt, Rue in any way, reaction will be quick and painful; he won't waste time thinking about his actions, or other silly things like that, oh no. He won't die for Rue, but he'll fight for him. Even when it's really not necessary.
There's also the issue, brought up recently enough in this conversation, of going home. Kimimaro is dead in his own world; he's been dead for two, nearly three, years. However, he desperately wants to go back there, because, well, Orochimaru. However, options are limited, and all of them are unappealing. He has come up with the following scenarios: 1) He is simply not allowed to leave camp because he is deceased. 2) He manages to get back home, but immediately ceases to exist upon getting there. 3) He manages to get back home, but is once again stricken with the fatal virus that killed him int he first place. 4) He manages to get home safe and healthy, but is discarded by Orochimaru, since he is not needed anymore. These are not... very nice scenarios, as they all involve death and/or heartbreak. So then there's the other option. And that's going back with Rue. He really doesn't spend a lot of time thinking of that particular option, because it frightens him, and he's not sure how it would work out because he really doesn't know anything about the place, but... it's still an option, and that's why he asked Rue. Not necessarily because he wants to go with him, but because he needs a clear picture of what it would be like so that he can make a better decision.
Now we come to the Big Thing that happened, which was Pellaz showing up at camp. Kimimaro did know who Pellaz was, thanks to Rue and mostly Cal, but at first, he didn't realize who he was talking to. Seeing Rue's reaction clued him in, and it immediately turned hostile (on Kimi's end, at least). What Kimimaro wanted to do at that moment was to just... rip Pell to tiny bits. He didn't attempt to do this mainly because of the same reason he was going to do it in the first place: Rue was upset. He knew hurting Pellaz would make it worse. His suspicions were confirmed when the day after, Rue basically told him to knock it off. He agreed, but that doesn't mean he's going to be nice about it. Seeing Rue devestated and crying really unnerved Kimimaro, because he really isn't used to that, so he was in an inner state of panic, and kept blabbering on about wanting to help and do something, but he doesn't know how to accomplish that. So now he's just incurably pissed off and wants to fight something.
So in conclusion, Kimimaro is a retard. And in the end, that is what this essay is about.
Sorry. :(
(OR IS THAT RUE/KIMIMARO?)
Let me preface this by saying that this is going to be the worst essay in the history of ever. I mean, it's 4 pages long, and I started writing YoujixIkkaku porn halfway through this, which probably says something about both the coherency of this thing and, well, me. (Needless to say, the porn has been removed from the essay.) ...now that that's out of the way!
BACKSTORY
Kimimaro met Rue mid-December, if I remember correctly, and there was nothing particularly interesting about that meeting. Kimi was being emo and generally unhelpful, and he really did not think much of the entire thing.
I think the deaging happened shortly after? It was around Christmas, is all I know. Shouta!Kimi met Rue and absolutely adored him, because Rue was all nice and maternal and not saying confusing or mean things like some of the other people. Because Shouta!Kimi had never had that before, he was immediately drawn to him and showed his affection in the only way he knew how: by promising to protect him. So, he re-aged and was terribly embarassed, upset and volatile about the entire thing, and told Rue that things he said as a child really couldn't carry over (...ha). There was also some conversation about Orochimaru here, because Kimi can talk someone to death about that subject, and despite just saying that everything he did/said as a child should be forgotten, really, it had made him comfortable with Rue, so he was being a bit more candid than he normally would.
Then there was a conversation during/before/after(?) New Year's where Kimimaro talked to Rue about loving Orochimaru. Again, not really because he was comfortable with Rue, but because he is a retard. I'm pretty sure this is the first time Rue kissed him; it was on the cheek, but it still threw him off pretty badly. Okay, around the same time, there was the New Year's party. Kimi butted in when he saw Rue talking to Cal, then consumed the inhibition-lowering drink, and... ended up crawling into bed with Rue later that night. Of course, he was also completely embarassed and confused about it afterwards. Even more confusing, though, was that Rue said he could stay over anytime he wanted while Rue was away at the barrier.
Over the next month, they had a few conversations about feelings, attraction, etc., etc. wherein I think it was firmly established that Kimimaro is a complete idiot when it comes to emotions. He started getting very uncomfortable very quickly when Rue would touch him or make comments about his attractiveness.
After that, there were a few incidents. After Kimimaro fought Kenpachi, and got some pretty bad injuries, he stayed in Rue's cabin again overnight, and there was touching, and it was all very surreal to him, but he was too beaten to really complain. There was a bad attempt at flirting at some point around here. At one point, Rue turned into his son, and Kimimaro took it upon himself to try and handle the situation, so he gave the cabin to him for the night. Then there was Valentine's Day, where Kimimaro was told that you were supposed to give chocolates to your friends, which lead to him pretending not to attend the chocolate-making thing, and getting into a bitchfight with Itachi over it. He gave the chocolates to Rue, after nervously trying to explain about the thing with Abrimel/Wolf, and there was much awkwardness. I think that... this was around the time Kimi started regularly sharing a bed with Rue.
Some crap happened, and things came to a head between Itachi and Kimimaro. Kimi told Rue he was going to fight and probably die, Rue slapped him, and Kimimaro just got angrier. But even though Kimi was pissed, he was also incredibly afraid, so he ended up asking Rue if he could stay the night, and he did, even though he was still pretty cranky about it and tried to get Rue to stop touching him. The next day, Kimimaro and Itachi fought, Kimi got thoroughly fucked via mindrape, and that was the end of that.
Blahblahblah, more stuff happened, including Kimi asking Rue if he could stay with him permanently, Kimi threatening Swift for almost no reason, the "I would make you Wraeththu if I could" thing, the attempted Wraeththu orgy/grissecon, etc., etc. The relationship was basically solidying quickly. This is getting really, really long, so I won't mention every interaction (I can't remember them all, anyway), but... yeah. At this point, they're close and getting closer, and Kimimaro is starting to ease up a little. He doesn't flinch when Rue kisses him anymore, and will actually reciprocate back; not to mention initiate the kiss some of the time. Gasp.
This brings us to recent events and...
ON THE SUBJECT OF FEELINGS
To start, I'll just say that Kimimaro only realized that they might be something a little more than "friends" one or two months ago. Even with the kissing and the bedsharing and the caring, he was convinced, most of the time, that they were just friends. He even said as much on a few occassions, both to Rue and other people. Recently, he's acknowledged that's not entirely true. Smart boy.
Kimimaro's feelings for Rue are... hard to explain, mostly because Kimi's views on every relationship are incredibly skewed by his feelings for Orochimaru. Kimimaro loves Orochimaru; he'll kill for him, die for him, he worships the ground he walks on. Because Kimi classifies this as "love", he thinks that this is the only thing love is, or can be. As a result of this, anything that does not match his feelings for Orochimaru (and nothing ever, ever will) is not love, because they do not inspire the same feelings in him, regardless of whether or not it might actually be love (or something another person would classify as love). Does that makes sense? It made sense in my head. This isn't to say that Kimimaro is in love with Rue, because he's not. After all, while 8 months seems like a long time, it... really isn't, and it's definitely not enough time to undo Kimimaro's firmly set notions of How Things Should Be. However, Kimi has had to acknowledge that yes, he does have feelings for Rue, and yes, some of them are the squishy, romantic sort (this dawned on him during this Delirium post). He rarely ever acts on those emotions, but they're still there, and he's starting to get used to them and dislike them less.
The hard part of this, and where all the emotional retardism comes from, is that Orochimaru is Kimimaro's life. He's spent years having nothing but the idea of living for his master as the ideal drilled into his head. He is thoroughly and completely brainwashed, even if he doesn't see it. I mean, his feelings for Orochimaru were so strong that he managed to get his diseased and bedridden, 90%-dead body into gear and not only move around (which would have been a feat on it's own), but fight pretty impressively, on sheer willpower, to deliver his replacement to his master. Being at camp is simply the longest Kimimaro has been without Orochimaru since he was taken in by him. It's driving him even more insane than he was before, and throwing him off a lot, especially since he's absolutely sure that Orochimaru is much too clever to end up at camp, so he's certain that he'll never see him again. Since he has no master around to tell him what do now, and he's extremely uncomfortable with having to think for himself, the people around him are having a lot more influence than they normally would. Rue is, obviously, one of those people. And it's just so easy and simple for him to fall into the habit of listening to Rue, so he does it a lot--mostly without realizing or admitting to it. It should also be noted that the times when Kimimaro takes the initiative with Rue are also the times when he's angry or upset with something; he's so out of practice with dealing with emotions that they all tend to bleed into one another. For example, aggression directed at Itachi will eventually turn into aggression directed at Rue; except one's the good sort of aggression that leads to making out.
But really, what this all comes down to is that Kimimaro likes Rue. He's even admitted it, which was a huge first for him, and all sorts of awkward. Kimi wants to protect Rue, mostly, and will jump to his defense rather quickly. He threatened Swift just because Rue commented that he made him uncomfortable, as an example. If it comes to his attention that someone is hurting, or intends to hurt, Rue in any way, reaction will be quick and painful; he won't waste time thinking about his actions, or other silly things like that, oh no. He won't die for Rue, but he'll fight for him. Even when it's really not necessary.
There's also the issue, brought up recently enough in this conversation, of going home. Kimimaro is dead in his own world; he's been dead for two, nearly three, years. However, he desperately wants to go back there, because, well, Orochimaru. However, options are limited, and all of them are unappealing. He has come up with the following scenarios: 1) He is simply not allowed to leave camp because he is deceased. 2) He manages to get back home, but immediately ceases to exist upon getting there. 3) He manages to get back home, but is once again stricken with the fatal virus that killed him int he first place. 4) He manages to get home safe and healthy, but is discarded by Orochimaru, since he is not needed anymore. These are not... very nice scenarios, as they all involve death and/or heartbreak. So then there's the other option. And that's going back with Rue. He really doesn't spend a lot of time thinking of that particular option, because it frightens him, and he's not sure how it would work out because he really doesn't know anything about the place, but... it's still an option, and that's why he asked Rue. Not necessarily because he wants to go with him, but because he needs a clear picture of what it would be like so that he can make a better decision.
Now we come to the Big Thing that happened, which was Pellaz showing up at camp. Kimimaro did know who Pellaz was, thanks to Rue and mostly Cal, but at first, he didn't realize who he was talking to. Seeing Rue's reaction clued him in, and it immediately turned hostile (on Kimi's end, at least). What Kimimaro wanted to do at that moment was to just... rip Pell to tiny bits. He didn't attempt to do this mainly because of the same reason he was going to do it in the first place: Rue was upset. He knew hurting Pellaz would make it worse. His suspicions were confirmed when the day after, Rue basically told him to knock it off. He agreed, but that doesn't mean he's going to be nice about it. Seeing Rue devestated and crying really unnerved Kimimaro, because he really isn't used to that, so he was in an inner state of panic, and kept blabbering on about wanting to help and do something, but he doesn't know how to accomplish that. So now he's just incurably pissed off and wants to fight something.
So in conclusion, Kimimaro is a retard. And in the end, that is what this essay is about.
Sorry. :(