Because I like to jump on the bandwagon after everyone else has already gotten off it and made the place look a little more lived-in for me, I decided that the time had come to join in on the PSX survival horror craze in a full-participation sort of way, not just my usual giggling-at-the-audio-samples bit. Hey, isn't there a movie out? Let's start with the first Silent Hill.
This is Harry. I choose to believe that he has multiple neurological disorders and enough rum in him to pickle a horse, as this is the only set of circumstances under which the game's control scheme makes sense.
This is Harry rappelling off a mailbox.
Here, Harry begins running in a straight line...
...and soon veers wildly into someone's yard.
...And into another mailbox.
No mere screenshot can properly illustrate our next tableau (also, I was laughing too hard to hit Print Screen). Picture Harry careening in confused circles, stabbing spastically at the air and walls, as a zombie-dog develops a pattern of lunging at him and then retreating to pirouette in its own irregular orbit. I would call it La Danse Macabre, if La Danse Macabre were a ballet performed by Anne Rice vampires who just sucked down a tank of nitrous oxide.
This is the options screen. Note that "Turn off torturous first/third person hybrid controls that demonstrate how a good compromise leaves everybody mad" is not an option.
Look, I've never actually played through a Resident Evil game, either, so don't go telling me that this is the standard control scheme for console survival horror games. The only horror so far has been on the part of my gamepad. But I'll grant you that it would indeed be possible to become accustomed to this scheme, in a Stockholm sort of way.
This is Alundra. When I press "right," he moves to the thrice-damned right.