I don't like the scenery, and I don't like the set
As mentioned in the pub last week, t'missus is away this week so it's time for an evening of awful films. My place, from seven, Saturday July 20th. That's tomorrow, fact fans! On the programme will be some, none or fewer of the following:
TACTICAL FORCE: The force that uses tactics! Answering only to the mysterious Bureau Department and led by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin - not because he's the best, but because he's too goddamn arrogant to follow anyone else's instructions - Tactical Force is on a routine training mission when things go horribly wrong!
Because, you know, plot.
Before they know it, they're involved in a life or death struggle with not one but two criminal gangs! Normally an elite special forces team should go through mere criminals like a chainsaw through a cardboard cutout of a tree, but - possibly due to "A Bit Nippy's" inspired leadership - they're unarmed and cut off from help. Or maybe Weapon Having Force is a different unit.
HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN: As if the idea of a poor person with no fixed abode wasn't scary enough on its own, this one has a shotgun!
Also, he's Rutger Hauer. Yeah. Not so funny now, is it? Rutger must dispense vigilante justice on dudes, because they were assholes to him and he doesn't stand for that kind of thing. Or because he's completely delusional and thinks he's setting a new world record at the clay pigeon range. He'll come to, covered in blood and brains and cordite, and be all "Hey! Where's Jacques Rogg with my goddamn medal?"
ARMAGEDDON, NO NOT THAT ONE: More Rutger Hauer. This time he goes to Russia in order to do crimes, is betrayed by evil crime boss Mark Dacascos, brought back to life by secret Russian biotechnology, and predictably enough seeks revenge. Basically it's "Kill Bill" but with an uglier protagonist.
You're picturing Rutger Hauer in that tight yellow jumpsuit now, aren't you? That's a freebie. Enjoy it.
CYBORG³ - THE RECYCLER: The blurb on this one suggests it's trying for grimdark cyberpunk, but then reveals that the heroine is the first cyborg to get pregnant and the whole thing collapses under the weight of unanswered questions. Do cyborg women normally replace their wombs whilst they're upgrading their reflexes and having thermographic vision installed? Are they just usually too busy doing hostile extractions and assassinating corporate executives to manage a steady relationship? And then it starts wittering on about Cyberdellos and Mechano-whores (as distinct from Meccano whores, who will... let's move on) and any chance of taking it seriously is lost forever. Stars Malcolm "Well I can always use another house" McDowell - the go-to guy for B-movie villainy - and the kid from Gremlins, the go-to guy for nothing very much.
Also when you're selling this stuff as "double DVD collection" with "2 Full-Length DVD movies!" do you really get to claim that one of the movies is a bonus? You promised me two movies to begin with! A third film would be a bonus; this is just fulfilling your contractual obligations.
Which is probably how these films get made in the first place. Anyway.
THE SWORD AND THE SWORCEROR: On loan from the Matthew Kelly, No Not That One, Terrible 80s Fantasy Movie Collection. Evil cultists awaken a terrible power that has slumbered 'neath the earth for lo these many centuries, because that never ends up going badly for them. The evil one promptly helps himself to the throne of the kingdom of Generica, slaying all of the royal family.
Twenty years later, a young swordsman with a mysterious past and a strangely familiar-looking sword - I mean it's got three blades, for fuck's sake, how many people have one of those? And not pointing backwards or concealed in the hilt for discouraging people from nicking your sword. No, these are three parallel sword blades - returns to the kingdom and oh guess what? He has a destiny to fulfill! Well I never etc etc.
On the upside, it's a lot of fun spotting places where the Evil Overlord List could have saved the day.
COCKNEYS VERSUS ZOMBIES: A thoughtful and heartwarming period drama, the last film completed by British character actor Richard Briers before his death - and surely the one for which he would wish to be known. Also stars Alan Ford, from "Snatch" and "Star Wars".
COMBAT ACADEMY: It's got the same premise as "Police Academy". The poster is laid out almost exactly the same as "Police Academy". It uses the same font for the title as "Police Academy". I'm sure it is in no way a poorly-written, cheaply made copycat rushed out to capitalise on its far more successful cousin. Stars George Clooney, probably with a lot more hair, and maybe even for more than six seconds.
So yeah. Seven tomorrow. Bring whatever drinks/snacks/holy writings you require to get you through the coming ordeal.