worry
As I write this, I know have about 3 and a half days left as a free man, unconstrained by contracts or official obligations. I have the freedom to eat, sleep, play and relax whenever I please. I can play video games, I can go driving, I can smoke cigarettes and take shots of alcohol if I so desire. Right now, if I wanted, i could probably do anything one can accomplish with legs hands and intellect.
But in 3 and a half days, I won't have any of these luxuries. I am willingly enlisting in the United States armed forces, and forsaking all of the liberties I enjoy right now. I am willingly going to hand my fate to the officers appointed over me, and thru them, to the joint chiefs, and thru them, to the president himself.
Because of MY decision, they are going to take away my civillian clothes and replace them with navy issued uniforms. They'll shave my head even if I'm already bald. They'll keep me awake when I'm tired, keep my running when I'm hungry, and keep me silent when all I want to do is roar at them in protest. They'll make me part of whole instead of one in a million.
For the first time, I'm having apprehensions about this decision. Not enough to turn back, but enough to wonder if my skills in bullshitting backfired and caused me to make a terrible choice. Will I regret this? Will I be man enough to hack it?
But then I remember what I said to my friend Topher a few days ago. He too is considering joining our nation's uniformed masses, and expressed doubts. He said, "Well excuse me if I don't have the lightning decision making ability you apparently possess, Djinn."
I thought about it, and responded. "Topher I don't have lightning decision making ability. When this opportunity revealed itself, I knew right then that it felt right. That's all." He of course scoffed, but the feeling of sureness in what I've signed up for was right there to combat his misgivings. Why isn't it here for mine? This may be one of the few times it actually makes sense to take my own advice.